How to truly love him again?

[livelovelaugh30]

I've been an avid reader of mumsnet over the past couple of years, but this is my first proper post. I've experienced firsthand how wonderful the advice on mumsnet is and what an amazing supporting network mumsnet can be! So any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

I've only been married for two years- we had a little boy just over 13 months ago. We've been together for a few years and have had a very happy relationship. We've lived together for the majority of it, we've been through a fair chunk of things - the stress of renovations, career changes, working away frequently (in the US for periods at a time), loss - and much more. But we've always genuinely been a solid couple - until recently.

I knew marriage was going to be tough, but ever since our little boy arrived we have really struggled to grow together. We're so impatient with one another- the sensitivity and compassion has completely gone. Intimacy has taken a nosedive- sometimes I realise we haven't kissed one another for days. We have sex a lot more infrequently (once to twice a month). We talk very openly about it and both admit that things need to change. We have started making more of an effort with each other, but frankly speaking, I don't even really want to have sex with him anymore. I feel like a robot and the desire isn't there. And the same goes for kissing him. Which is strange because I'm usually a very affectionate person (I hug and kiss our son all the time!). I hug and kiss most people, but the desire to kiss him has just gone.

He is good looking, he's kind and ambitious, he's caring. He's incredibly practically- we do 50:50 childcare and both work hard in our jobs. He does a lot round the house. He's loyal and principled and I know he would never cheat. I can see that he's very physically attractive- but it's almost like something in me has died and I don't find him attractive?

I know marriages have ups and downs, so I was really hoping for some advice on 1) is this normal and salvageable? And 2) how do I start to help my feelings grow again towards him? He deserves to be loved and I've spent the last few years adoring him, so I'm not sure why I now no longer seem to? I'm trying my best to get those feelings back. I don't want to make a mistake and I don't want to regret losing him. But for some reason my head and my heart are just not connecting.

I know if I don't do something to fix this, it'll get worse and harder to salvage. We've tried date nights; we're doing weekly counselling sessions (just to help us out with the communication- we've never struggled in this area but figured it couldn't hurt to try it). We both want to make this work not just for our little boy, but for us too.

If you got this far, thank you so much for reading any advice would be so appreciated!

I don’t really feel qualified to advise you because I’m not in exactly the same situation as you. I didn’t want to read and run. But I think you are doing the right things with going to counselling and being open and communicating with each other. The fact you both want your relationship to work is definitely half the battle and bodes really well for the future.
I wish you both luck and I hope you are able to rekindle things.

@Sunshineonrainydays

I don’t really feel qualified to advise you because I’m not in exactly the same situation as you. I didn’t want to read and run. But I think you are doing the right things with going to counselling and being open and communicating with each other. The fact you both want your relationship to work is definitely half the battle and bodes really well for the future. I wish you both luck and I hope you are able to rekindle things.

Thanks so much @Sunshineonrainydays for taking the time to reply :-) I was hoping our willingness to fix it might be half the battle so it's honestly really reassuring to hear you think so too

You are welcome OP, I’m sorry I don’t have any specific advice as such. Hopefully someone much more knowledgeable than me will do soon.

You could be a bit touched out? Having a child is all consuming and mix it with jobs etc, there is little space for a partner. But your relationship sounds amazing and I'm sure it's just temporary. If possible, try and schedule in some date nights, quiz nights, exercise together or play a board game. Something that you both enjoy doing that will make you laugh and chat and play together. Then maybe takeaway and wine and see how you feel.

You're both knackered.

Little kids are exhausting.

Are you sharing the childcare.

For me this period was get through it working together.

The romance comes back once the kids stop being such hard work :)

What does he say about it all?

What contraception are you using?

Did you breastfeed? If so, are you still bf?

Did you have PND, and/or a traumatic birth experience?

Thanks so much for the replies @Sakurami @NiceGerbil and @rvby I really appreciate your advice.

He's very receptive and understanding, but also feels something needs to change and suspects I don't love him anymore. I just saw this year as survival and just getting through it in the best possible way. If he ever tries to hug me, I have to actively remind myself not to pull away. I think he's picked up on this and it must hurt his self esteem.

I did breastfeed for the first 6 months and I did notice that my sex drive crashed as a result! I put that down to exhaustion / breastfeeding, but I stopped feeding in December and its just never come back. Our DS also sleeps through the night.

We split childcare 50:50- Hes very hands on. Obviously at the beginning we didn't and the majority was me (I was on maternity leave) but it felt fairly divided and I certainly felt that when he wasn't working he was 100% there and encouraging me to take some time for myself.

I appreciate him 100% and I know he's brilliant, but I just feel dead inside and have zero emotions towards him. It's becoming a problem because he's started to pick up on this (I'm doing my best to hide it). I don't know if this is a normal reaction post partum towards their partner and I just feel really guilty.

Takeaways, wine and a board game is actually a great idea and would definitely help take the pressure off! I just feel really under pressure to feel something. I don't have that issue at all for my son, or for family and friends- I feel so much love towards them. It's just in my relationship that I feel flat and empty.

It's so reassuring to hear that this gets better. I just hope it gets better before it's too late

Forgot to say, this is how it's affecting us:

• he'll try to hug me and I'll try and hide that I'm not enjoying it at all, but he knows me so well and I know he picks up on it. I try and downplay it as just being busy in the day
• sex, mostly once a month. I rarely want to.
• affection or telling one another we love each other, he does this so proactively and I used to reciprocate. Now I just do my best to put some emotion or life into it

The problem is these things are several times a day, every day. And whilst he's very understanding and patient, I know it hurts him.

I want to fix this because I know I'm hurting his self esteem and I know he deserves better. I read on here every day how poorly behaved some people can be and i just can't understand why I can't feel anything for him anymore. It's resulting in more bickering and a disconnect. It's affecting how we parent with each other. Every month it seems to get worse and I know if I don't work on this, in a few years it'll be too late.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this and I have been through it with my DH many years ago. It's amazing and positive that you are both aware and want to do something about it. I was alone in wanting to sort out situation out and it did indeed get worse to the point where we had no connection at all.

It is in all likelihood a combination of hormonal downs (if for instance your still feeding), exhaustion and being touched out. Parenting is so full on that there is no room for anything else and nobody tells you that before it happens. It is almost always a shock.
Be kind to yourself and each other (you are it seems).
Counselling is a great idea or at the least making time to just chat. Take sex off the table as you're not feeling it and it puts pressure on both of you.
Know that this will get better as you both love each other and to both want it too.
I went through phases of not even being able to look at my DH. Everything repulsed me. I got over it.

But, we have ended up separating because we didn't have the will to work on things. I was just exhausted and he was lonely. So stick at it. You've got this

Sorry for typos and predictive text errors!

You should feel proud if yourself for being so proactive in trying to fix things

Are you on any hormones/contraception. Any sort of progesterone (poll, mirena etc) can have a really negative affect on the sex drive for many women. It actually made me feel sexually dead inside! Our hormone levels can drastically change after having children - also worth checking things like iron and vitamin D levels as these can affect mood etc.

Do you have any sex drive? Or just nothing for your DH in particular?

Can you think of any other things you used to enjoy but no longer enjoy? Maybe you are a bit depressed- not getting pleasure from things you used to enjoy can be a symptom.

Have you got contraception sorted? Just thinking on one level you don't want another baby yet and that maybe why you're fearing/don't want intimacy of any kind, if you don't have contraception in place.

Thank you so much @Alonelonelyloner @Dollyrocket and @SoulofanAggron for your really lovely replies! It's moments like this that I love mumsnet - I was so afraid to post on here but you've been so kind and thoughtful on your responses. I can't thank you enough. Honestly, it's just so reassuring to know that it's ok and that things like this happen. Your messages have given me so much to think about.

In terms of contraception - I have a Mirena coil, it was fitted a few months ago (but I lost my sex drive months before that). I had it fitted in the hope that intimacy would come back eventually. I've also had a mirena coil before for five years and had no issues with it at all.

The nose dive in my sex drive happened around the time I started breastfeeding. At first I assumed that was the reason, combined with exhaustion. I honestly thought it would come back when I stopped. I stopped breastfeeding in December of last year so it's been almost 8 months since I did it. I'd really hoped that by now I wouldn't feel this way.

I have at points felt desire over the past year (more recently in the last 3 months), but not at all towards my DH. Even when we've had a few drinks I have no desire to have sex. I just feel slightly dead inside. I have however noticed a huge decline in my sex drive generally - and it really started when I started breastfeeding. On the once a month occasion that intimacy has happened, I've felt dead inside afterwards. I haven't been able to connect with it at all, despite really trying to.

@Alonelonelyloner - you're so right. I knew things would change after having a baby, but I had no idea that my feelings would shift this much towards DH. They really do become your whole world and there isn't much room for anything else emotionally. I hadn't considered that but that must be a huge part of it.

I'm so committed to getting my feelings back for him- he never tries to make me feel guilty and he's so understanding and kind, but I know he's hurt and losing his confidence. I know he's starting to question my feelings for him and I know he must, deep down, take it personally. I used to be so affectionate towards him and this is a total 180, so it couldn't be more obvious to him. I think what makes it worse is that (pre covid!) I'm the kind of person who will give friends and family huge cuddles and am generally really affection. I hug and kiss our little boy all the time- but if my husband tried to give me a hug, I flinch and have to physically force myself to be receptive.

I just wonder (and hope!) that wanting feelings to come back and working at it is enough? He really deserves to feel loved and I know that my actions indirectly influence how he feels about himself. I knew our relationship would change and that we might be more short tempered from exhaustion, but I didn't for a second think that my feelings for him would. This problem, left, has just gotten worse and I know it's only headed in one direction, unless I can make a change within myself.

Also I'm so sorry, I'm not sure why the majority of my message came out in bold! I assume it must be from where I've tagged names.

Thanks so much again for the wonderful advice! I'm so glad I stepped onto here for support with this. I've been feeling really guilty about this for the past year so it's a huge relief to hear that it might be fixable if we both continue to work at it.

Hey op. Consider these few things -
You fell I love with your dh before you were a mother. Motherhood changes you
fundamentally. You area different person now so looking to have the exact same feelings is a big ask of yourself.
Your dh has not had the same physical shift so the shift to bring a father is big but different. He is less impacted. If anything good men like your dh often grow in love for their dw becsuse they respect the journey she has gone through to become a mother.

How would you feel if he was put of your life tomorrow?

What do you want your relationship to be like as a mother to his child

Upu arebow a family... what do you want family life to be like and what role does he play in it

If you can shift your mindset to imagine a new achievable and realistic ideal that he already fills by the sound of it then he goes from being someone you dont feel the same about to someone who you respect and live because he satisfies your wants and needs.
In short stop pressuring yourself to love him like you did before life changed and love him because hes part of the new life. As the person he is in this new chapter.
It's a deeper more mature love that friendship can maintain until sexual feelings grow again naturally.

This sounds so normal!

Can you book a day or weekend away just the two of you? To have fun together? When focus is on baby all the time it can be hard to flirt/have a laugh/build that intimacy. But so normal and life will change again

Thanks so much for your lovely posts @allinadaystwerk and @Newgirls

Again such wonderful advice!

So glad this is normal. I felt quite comfortable for the first few months about the shift in my feelings and assumed it was just our relationship shifting.

I think what's thrown me is when I feel like I should do something intimate (not him pushing me at all to do this- but just very aware it'll have been another month without it), or kiss him back etc. Then I'm thrown!

It sounds so normal though and like a completely reasonable reaction to birth. We're both practical, pragmatic people who've never needed much from one another but tend to have each other's backs, so I know he respects me more since having his child. I just hope he can continue to be patient and understanding about this, it'll definitely help take the pressure off.

I've done some reading into it and I think I am touched out (didn't even know about that -so thanks so much) with a mix of hormones postnally.

Thank you again!! I feel much less guilty now. It's one thing feeling guilty as a working mother, without feeling guilt in your bed as well, so I can't thank you enough.