Please can I have a hand hold?

[PaperDreamsHoney]

Previous thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3979967-He-tried-to-kill-the-cat

This evening I asked him to leave to give me some space to decide what to do, and he's just left to go to a friend's. And now I'm sitting here sobbing not evwn for my kids who are going to wake up and find their Daddy gone but because suddenly it's all so real and as much as I hate what he's done and our life is so miserable I do still care about him. I had to stop myself reminding him about packing his medications etc. He was so reasonable about it all it's like that was almost worse than if he'd gone nuts and I'd had to call the police.

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it'll get easier.

It will get easier. I've been there. I thought the guilt would kill me. But it didnt and now 18 months later I would never ever go back to that life.

D v survivor

Was thinking of your other thread alll day and I must say it shocked me massively

You have done the right thing
Wave the guilt goodbye

Oh yes, I totally understand. You wanted him to somehow miraculously make it better , and the fact that he can't just makes it hurt all the more.

You can absolutely have the biggest hand hold and virtual hug in the world.

And I promise. I absolutely promise that it gets better. And you're doing the right thing. You just have to hold onto that just now.

Xxxxxxxx

I suddenly understand that my mother not leaving my alcoholic waste of space father wasn't as simple as her being an idiot.

I do care about him, even if I have no romantic feelings for him. We're so much a part of each other's lives. But I can't pretend nothing has happened.

Toxic or abusive relationships are very complicated, the bonds that are formed are twisted and cut deep. I believe it's much easier to leave a loving relationship than an abusive one.

It's dark just now, but you know what they say "when you're in hell.... Keep walking"

You won't be in there forever.

@Lochie662 Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that. It's so hard to think clearly all of a sudden, when yesterday I was so sure.

It's going to be hard, you are being really brave I think. How are you feeling this morning?

Still fighting back tears at times, but I'm mostly coping. Trying to take it one day at a time. The guilt is awful, feeling like I'm ruining everything. One minute I think I'm going to be ok and this is what I want, the next I'm afraid that I'm never going to cope.

@PaperDreamsHoney

Try not to think too far ahead, you told him you needed time to think and that's why he left. Do just see this as time to think. You probably haven't had proper space like this for a very long time. Use it well.

Don't think past today, how do you make decisions? Do you like writing things down or do you like going for a long walk and thinking things through. Try and view this logically. Take it an hour at time.

And be so kind to yourself. Think how you would treat your most favourite person in the world if they were devastated and do those things for yourself.

Xxx

He called to talk to the kids and now I'm sobbing again. I felt so guilty hearing them chattering away to him and his voice talking to them. This is the problem (or one of them) with our relationship - we get on best when I'm really vulnerable because he likes being the rescuer, and it's been that way so long that now when I'm in such a state I feel like I need him.

I left an alcoholic.

It was horribly hard. Today would’ve been our 16th anniversary.

I cannot imagine the horror my life would be now if I hadn’t had the courage to leave him.

You will get through this hard part. Stay strong and remember that poor cat.

I watched a video on YT about "the rescuer". If I remember what.its called I will let you know. But the thing about them is when you've been rescued and ready to be strong then they feel redundant so try and control things so you keep needing them....

You don't want to spend the rest of your life needing to be rescued, that won't make you happy.

There were many problems over and above just the letter you found. You need to clarify them and get them straight in your head.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

Big HUGS

You HAVE done the right thing, now you need to stay strong & keep him gone.

You cannot spend your life 'needing red used' to keep things on an even keel, you really can't.

You and the kids WILL all be fine, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Promise x🌷

Thank you everyone; your kind words are really helping. It's been a pretty horrific day emotionally. I thought I was going to feel relieved and instead I'm a complete wreck. My children have been crying because they miss their Daddy and it breaks my heart.

I'm sorry , how have you been feeling today? The break up of your marriage isn't your fault and the burden of it isn't on your shoulders , I know that's easy for me to say but it really isn't.

Do you have any friends or family nearby who could come and give you a hug? Big, virtual one from me. You are a very strong woman and you and the kids will be okay.
You don't have to save the world in a day. Put something mindless and funny on the tv, make a cup of tea and just give yourself permission not to think for a while x