I've signed up just for some help. Before lockdown I went out with some friends, some straight some gay. We went to a gay bar and I invited someone I knew who was with her boyfriend in a bar a few minutes away.
We had a few more drinks and then went back to one of our friends houses and carried on drinking, we were all very drunk. It ended up just me and her and she asked me to kiss her. I have her a quick peck, like I do most of my girlfriends. She stuck her tongue down my throat. I pulled away. Then she started trying to feel my private parts. I said no and she said "it's been a long time coming hasn't it". I laughed it off. She kept persisting, trying to grope me. I kept saying no. I don't remember much clearly from there but I remember relenting and letting her feel me just to shut her up. For some reason I was more afraid of upsetting her than protecting myself and my dignity. I couldn't leave because of the situation (I can't go into detail because it may identify us). I had previously asked my friend not to leave me with her because she was making me feel uneasy but we ended up being left alone. I don't know how it happened but we ended up getting more intimate. I can't really remember but I remember thinking I was going along with it just to make her stop. I don't completely remember what happened but I know I was sore and bruised for a week or two afterwards.
I'm absolutely devastated. In the cold light of day, I can't believe it. I'm disgusted. I won't touch my children because I feel dirty. I keep washing myself to get her off me. I just want to hide and it to stop. It wasn't rape because I consented but I would never have done it in a million billion years had I been sober. I'm straight and very happily cohabiting with our children. My partner and I have our problems but we generally have a great relationship.
I only know her having bumped into her a few times in local pubs and events... we have been out a few times and we became friends, not close though by any means. I now look back and realise she had been hinting all this time... asking me if I had ever been with a woman (I hadn't), asking me if I fancied women (I don't), always saying we had a special bond... I always put it down to drunken rambling. A mutual friend said that she had been following me all night.. I hadn't noticed.
So what is this? Is this just remorse or guilt for committing adultery? Did I fall into a trap and cheat on my partner? Have I been groomed? Is it sexual assault? What is it? I just can't cope with it. I've asked my GP to be referred to a counsellor but it's taken months with covid. I feel like there is two time zones... before that night and after. I just want to turn back time. Erase it from my memory. I guess I'd like others opinions on what it was so I can label it?