Apparently I moan to much?

[Twenty99x]

Just as it says in the title really...

Me and my partner have been together for two and a half years and get on so well and love each other so much, but when times get rough they can be ROUGH. We have been recently going through a rough patch which has caused us to bicker and argue a lot more than what is considered normal. I try to carry on life as normal, cook for us, clean up after his mess (which I know I shouldn't do because its his shit, but I am a bit obessive over a clean and tidy house).

He never seems to keep up his end of the bargin, he doesn't keep the house tidy and can be lazy when i ask him for help on everyday jobs. I understand that he is tired from working long hours, and it is just easier for me to do it as I am currently working from home and has a job that is far less demanding, I ask him to tidy up or do something nicely, he won't do it. Then I will get annoyed and ask him again, and maybe not so nice the first time round he says I moan to much!? Like fucking hell just do it the first time round and I wouldn't even have to bug you!? Or why do I even have to fucking ask at all???

Its starting to get me down because I feel like I'm really not that bad but when you are getting told you moan all the time for no reason, it starts to make you think you do. Do I just need to lower my standards in tidyness and having a respectable home and place to live in?

In every other aspect, this man is my best mate and we get on like a house on fire, and he is always supportive of me and loves me, it's just this that is starting to grate on me!! Sorry for the long rant, I needed to get this off my chest!

Fuck me id moan too.

Nothing less sexy than becoming someone’s mother and having to nag them like a teenager to tidy up.

Unfortunately this is not a rare phenomenon. No solutions except leave him, keep trying to train him like a naughty dog, clean up his shit forever, or live in a tip.

Sorry. It’s depressing.

OP what kind of mess are we talking about? Is it a single cup left by the dishwasher or him sitting in a nest of pizza boxes smeared in sag aloo?

You said that you're somewhat obsessive which, for those who aren't, is crazy making behaviour. Is there any compromise to be had here? For example, he cooks and you clean up afterwards? I think it's unfair to expect someone else to keep up to the standards you have set for yourself.

If he can't clean to your standards then perhaps he can cook, wash clothes, do the weekly shop etc Things that don't require a certain standard.

Do I just need to lower my standards in tidyness and having a respectable home and place to live in?

No, you need to raise your standards as to the kind of man you want to share your life with. He isn't going to change and having children with him would be a nightmare.

when i ask him for help on everyday jobs

Asking for help suggests he’s doing you a favour. Instead you need to reframe it as doing his fair share.

Either that or he has set take he’s responsible for.

DH does the kitchen after tea and all the washing. I iron and cook.

We both clean the bathroom and vacuum.

It's not HELP OP!
It's doing his share and cleaning up HIS mess.
He lives there too.
Stop doing it.
What sort of mess is it?
I remember when my sister lived with me she was messy.
Glasses, plates, rubbish...
In the end I used to get her crap and put it in her bed!
She got the message pretty quickly.

On here I think some people put it in a black bag.
Tell him it's there for 3 days and if it's not sorted then it goes in the bin.

Its probably a mix of problems. You may have tidiness standards that are a mismatch with his - he may be a manchild. It can be both.

He isnt going to change. Do you want to change? Usually I would say that when someone feels they have to change in order to keep a relationship, the change isn't usually permanent and almost always creates massive resentment.

If a tidy house and a domestically engaged partner are things that you want in life, you may need to move on.

It depends how high your standards are? We clean and tidy up but not obsessively.
If somebody was on my back every five minutes I’d find it annoying

There's usually a history with this type of problem and it usually begins from the moment you start living together.
Did you discuss the domestic arrangements right at the beginning of cohabiting? Or did you do what so many women do at the start of the living together relationship and assume control of domestic life?
If you did the latter then you were probably 'Playing House'.
We fall into the trap of doing just that because we want our partner to be happy, properly looked after and we want to show the world that we run an awesomely tight ship.
Initially that is.
But then reality hits you and you realise you've played a blinder...because he gets to do sweet bloody nothing while you're still adhering to those amazingly highstandards you've set yourself.
It's only when the novelty begins to wear off and the tiredness sets in and the annoyance of doing everything, whilst he does nothing that the resentment bubbles up and totally fed up we stage you're at now.
What to do?
Basically, the choice is binary.
Shape up or ship out.
Or just stop doing what you're doing. Stop the domestic stuff for him. Completely.
Or........... carry on regardless and become his mum.
Blokes like him don't change OP.
They really don't.