How can I get rid of him?

[Picklypickles]

I have been with my "partner" for 14 years now and we have 2 children who are 8 and 6.

I met him at a time in my life when I was very lonely and depressed. It had been 2yrs since the end of a 5yr relationship, I was living alone and I was in and out of hospital with a serious kidney problem and eventually lost my very good job thanks to all the time off. My life seemed to be going backwards whereas around me all of my friends and family were all moving forwards - getting married/starting families/getting promoted etc. I spent most of my days sleeping until the afternoon and then spending all night watching tv or surfing the net, that was when I started speaking to him. At first it really was nothing more than friendship, he lived almost 400 miles away from him and I never thought I'd actually meet him in person. Then I got my final pay from my job and decided I would take a trip up to meet him, I was just going to go for a few days, have a bit of fun for once and come back home. It was lovely having some company and a bit of fun after months of nothing, the day before I was due to come home I said to him "I wish you could come with me" only half seriously but to my surprise he immediately said "ok I will, you can drop me back up in 2 weeks time to sign on".

I have always struggled saying no to people. I was physically abused by my stepdad from a very young age and my mother always excused his violence towards me by saying it was my own fault. I never felt I belonged to any family and didn't have any friends until I was 7 and my new next door neighbour decided that we would be best friends. I've always been so scared of being rejected or upsetting anyone that I would just go along with whatever people asked of me. This is only something I've realised since having some counselling sessions for depression.

Anyway, for about 6 months I would spend a couple of weeks with him in his home town and then a couple in mine, using up all of my savings. He then convinced me to move up there permanently and I did, despite not being 100% sure about it. He was unemployed, renting a room in a shared house and a heavy weed smoker with ADHD and HFA. But he promised that he would get a job when I told him I wasn't going to be supporting him financially and he did. Things were fine while he was working but then a new Manager started and he clashed with her and ended up walking out, leaving me trying to support us both on my Incapacity Benefit. When I gave him an ultimatum his response was for us to leave the shared house and go and live with his mum in the next county over and to go to his GP citing depression so that he could go onto Incapacity Benefit, because we were living together it became a joint claim - in his name. I then had surgery which fixed the problem with my kidney and I was able to get myself a full time job fairly quickly and after we'd been at him mums for a few months was able to get a HA flat of our own.

A year later I had a follow up appointment at hospital, I found out at this appointment that the huge infection stone that had been removed from my kidney had grown back in its entirety and that I was pregnant. Useless man was still refusing to get a job and was still spending all of his benefits on weed. I decided to come back home to live, my family were offering me support and he wasn't. He begged to come with me, blamed his autism for him being the way he was and he promised me faithfully that he would stop smoking and would be a good dad, in fact he made me feel like an asshole for even suggesting that he wouldn't and so of course I felt terribly guilty and let him come too.

He missed our daughters birth because he "got bored" of waiting while I was in labour, my mum had come to visit for an hour and told him to go and get something to eat from the cafe, he decided to drive 6 miles home and get high, right before I was rushed into theatre for an emcs. He came storming into the recovery room afterwards stinking of weed, red-eyed and ranting about "knee-jerk, lazy doctors". I tried to finish with him, he wouldn't have it, manipulated me with talk about how I'd used him to get what I want and was trying to take his child from him. Then came the niceness, declarations of undying love and promises to be better and so stupidly I just wasn't tough enough to say no.

We now have 2 children, I've done everything for them and basically just tried to leave him to it and live my own life regardless of his faults. He does next to nothing, no housework, no cooking, nothing with the children. Just spends all of our money (I am no longer working because of health again), gets high and sits on his ass in front of the playstation constantly, bellowing at the kids instead of actually attempting to parent them in any way. I have really grown to hate him, he is just a leech who takes absolutely everything and then sits around whining about how awful HIS life is.

I have tried to end it so many times but he just wont go, obviously he has no money, if he lives the house we rent he's made himself "intentionally homeless" so wont be entitled to any help. He's made it very clear he wouldn't be mature or decent if we split, the last time I told him it was over he stormed out and when our little girl asked him where he was going he snarled "better get used to me not being around, your mother wants to split up our family" and left me to deal with her hysterical reaction. His mother has passed away, his brother is a coke-addict and a nasty piece of work sofa-surfing at the other end of the country - I'm literally all he has and he is hanging on for dear life, like a deadweight on my shoulders that will not let me get up out of the gutter. He begs, pleads, sulks, makes life unbearable for all of us unless he gets his own way and so I have to pretend everything is fine all the time, I feel so utterly trapped and wishing he would just crash the car and die so we can be free. I really, really don't want to leave our house - its in my village where I grew up, a street away from my family and 2 minutes walk to the childrens school, all of our friends/family and lives are here, I just want him gone but I am absolutely stuck with him.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling, does anyone have any ideas of how I can remove this money/life/soul sucking leech?

I take it the HA tenancy is in joint names OP? I can see why you feel stuck if so because, unless there's abuse (which could be argued, financial abuse certainly and psychological abuse of both you and DC from what you've said) there's little you can do to shift him unless he agrees to go. Are you in touch with your housing officer? If they're approachable (mine is lovely) it might be worth talking through with them what your options might be for getting him out.

OP he sounds scarily like my exh. In the end I had to pack up my kids and leave as he just wouldn't budge. It was a huge upheaval, but it was the right thing. I LOVED my house, the kids had their friends close by, but it was an unbearable situation. Wishing you luck

Cross posted massively, my phone hadn't updated past the OP. Your further posts are shocking Picklypickles, he's extremely abusive and you need the full weight of the law and legal processes and support from DV services to get him out safely, he could so easily escalate to physical violence when he realises you're really going to break free.

I realise the idea of having to go the police/legal route will seem terrifying to you right now but the thought of living like this for the next 5, 10, 20 years is so much worse. Gather all your bravery and what strength he's left you with and take the first step as soon as you possibly (safely) can, the support is there and you won't have to do it alone

Report him for his drug use. Call social services and tell them he is using drugs infront of DCs

OP I could have typed all that a year ago. My exdh was the same. I honestly never ever thought I could get the guts or the strength to get hom out, but I did.
It was horrible. I wont lie. I felt guilty and awful every day for about 6 months. But now I dont. He's still living with his mother, smoking weed all day, not working, ranting about how unfair life is.
Meanwhile I am happy! My house is lighter the kids are happy.

I used to read thread after thread, I started thread after thread asking for help. Then I just did it.
Please end it OP. Where he goes isn't your problem. You didn't give birth to him he isnt your responsibility.
It will never get better.

If you think you need proof of abuse, you could put your phone on a shelf to video record while he is banging around being a twat. I wouldn't recommend filming him openly in case it escalates to violence.
Make his life difficult.
Make lots of noise while he sleeps. Music on loud early every morning. If you pay for internet cancel that bill and remove the router. Have friends and family pop in and out all the time. No food in the house ever. Eat at you families' homes. Don't wash up.
Don't do his washing. Don't sleep with him. Tell him you'll call the police if he smokes cannabis in the home as children are affected.
Grey rock around him.
Good luck OP.

Having lived with someone like your partner, I imagine you'll be trying to make life as bearable as possible for your kids the way I did. To start making life difficult for him - playing loud music, no food in the fridge etc, would affect them, and it would rile him further, thus making the environment worse for them in the long run. I'd avoid that tbh.

With someone like this you need a softly softly approach. Don't show your hand, don't make life worse for him because ultimately you make it worse for yourself and DC. I know it's the opposite of what you want to do. I exhausted myself trying to keep things stable for my DC, calling the police over his shitty behaviour (to no end), and being confrontational just made him worse.

Just make a quiet plan and execute it without him knowing. This is how I left my exh. I didn't rock the boat, I played nicely, and I got my ducks in a row. He didn't have a clue so he couldn't kick off.

Obviously you want to stay in the home (so did I), but with both of you on the HA contract this might not be feasible. But whatever you do, keep as much of it on the quiet as you can.

@DarkHelmet

Having lived with someone like your partner, I imagine you'll be trying to make life as bearable as possible for your kids the way I did. To start making life difficult for him - playing loud music, no food in the fridge etc, would affect them, and it would rile him further, thus making the environment worse for them in the long run. I'd avoid that tbh.

With someone like this you need a softly softly approach. Don't show your hand, don't make life worse for him because ultimately you make it worse for yourself and DC. I know it's the opposite of what you want to do. I exhausted myself trying to keep things stable for my DC, calling the police over his shitty behaviour (to no end), and being confrontational just made him worse.

Just make a quiet plan and execute it without him knowing. This is how I left my exh. I didn't rock the boat, I played nicely, and I got my ducks in a row. He didn't have a clue so he couldn't kick off.

Obviously you want to stay in the home (so did I), but with both of you on the HA contract this might not be feasible. But whatever you do, keep as much of it on the quiet as you can.

Yes exactly, I'm not going to add to the stress by trying to wind him up.

I've been running on auto-pilot for a long time now, its very hard acting like everything is fine and normal every day, he keeps pestering for sex even though the kids have been home for 4 months and wont go to sleep until I'm in bed, he gets really wound up when I say we can't because the kids could walk in, he is very entitled and its exhausting. I don't want to call the police and have the children seeing their dad being arrested, they have no idea he is a drug addict.

I'm going to start by telling my supporter at the Childrens Centre about my situation, they are really lovely helpful people in there and I'm fairly sure that they will be able to help me, its just a matter now of finding the right words to say without rambling on like I have in this thread!

It's reassuring to see that others have been in similar situations and have been able to break free and are living happier lives now, I can't wait until that's us.

That all sounds very difficult.

The reverse thing, where he puts it back on you? Is something called DARVO and is a classic abuse tactic.

Speaking to your supporter sounds like a good place to start. I hope you get the support you need to bring some peace to your lives.

@Picklypickles it's exhausting, and bloody awful to realise that anything you do to piss him off will ultimately backfire in yours and the kids' direction. Also regarding involving the police, I felt exactly the same not wanting my DC to see exh being carted away. Luckily my youngest was still a baby on the occasions I did call the police so had little idea what was happening, and by that time I was shipping my older two off to my parents for a break from him.

I really hope you can set some wheels in motion, I know it feels like a long haul and you want it all to end now, but the sooner you start taking those first steps, the closer you get to seeing the back of him.

It's 6 years since we left my exh and it was a bloody struggle those first few months, many ups and downs, but oh the relief of not having to deal with him clogging up our space was just incredible. To add, he's still very difficult to deal with, but at least when I close my front door he's on the other side of it. You will get to that point, and the relief will be tangible, but slow and steady wins the race as long as you're not in any danger of physical harm

I do worry about what comes after I manage to free myself from him. His brother has been dumped recently by the mother of his 6yr old daughter and has been behaving monstrously, he also has an adult daughter who has nothing to do with him any more because of his constant rage and bitching and sniping about her mother (they divorced when she was very young so a long time ago but he is still very bitter) and she now has MH problems in part because of his nasty behaviour, she was too afraid to see him alone at her grans funerel last year and brought her mum along - that really set the cat amongst the pigeons. Now he is making life a misery for his most recent ex. At his mothers funeral he was telling the tragic tale of how his ex dumped him the day his mother died and that he got down on his knees and BEGGED for her not to break up their little girls family but she was just so cold - what kind of woman does that etc? Then I spoke to his ex. His mum (who he lived with and was supposedly caring for) had fallen some time in the night while he was out all night getting drunk and taking drugs, she'd pulled a glass-topped dresser over on top of herself and was trapped, the nurses that came to administer her meds every morning found her at 11am and an ambulance was called, her son was informed. He then inexplicably waited until late at night to drive the 50 miles to his ex's house where he woke up his then 5yr old who was being looked after by her gran and older sisters because their mum was at a festival and took her back to his hometown at 11pm suddenly in a panic to visit his mum in hospital. He took the little girl in to see her granny all bruised and cut and basically dying, then put her on the phone to her mum sobbing hysterically because he wanted her home from the festival. She dumped him and then he went around telling everyone she was the bad guy and he was the poor innocent victim. This is a man in his 50's.

I wish I'd realised how messed up my "partners" family are before I got involved. I worry that he might "lose the plot" or do something stupid when I end it, beyond the usual spite and manipulation, I worry about how much access he will get to the children and how he will speak to them when I'm not around. He's never going to try to be a better man, made promises to be over and over again over the years but here we still are, in the gutter.

Pickly it did takes some navigating once we'd left, he was constantly threatening court for visitation and initially it really frightened me. When I felt more secure in myself I realised he was all talk and wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court. I still worried what he'd try to say to my youngest DD and have had to protect her from him somewhat since we separated. She's 10 now, he drops in and out of her life and their relationship is pretty flimsy so I really needn't have worried. My older two are young adults now and live in their own homes. But they saw what he was like when we lived together so have very little to do with him.

I think you just have to be ready for some battles when you finally do get shot of him, stick to your guns, remember you've been a full time parent whereas he's done bugger all, protect your DC if you have to, and remember NO is a full sentence. As long as you make it clear you're open to them continuing to see him, just let him shoot himself in the foot when he inevitably starts flaking on contact. He sounds super entitled and pretty useless, so you may find that his interest in your DC wanes when you separate. It sounds sad but also sounds like they won't be missing much without him.

In the unlikely event he does ever try for court ordered contact it might be an idea to start keeping a record of instances of verbal abuse, manipulation etc towards the DC, it may come in useful later down the line. Only if you can do so with certainty he can't access it though, don't do anything that could put you in danger. I agree with DarkHelmet though, it's far more likely he won't bother with court because that would require some effort.

@Picklypickles
I hope you are able to speak to your support worker without him being there, if you cant coukd you email her (providing he doesnt have access to emails)?

She should put you in contact with a Donestic Abuse charity and they will help you get an occupation order so that he has to leave the property and not return for x months.
In that time you woukd work on getying his name off the tenancy by court order.

You can also get a non molestation order to stop him harassing you once he has to leave, these usually come with the power of arrest.

Please keep coming back if you need support.

He sounds dreadful but also very dysfunctional so it should be possible to get control of the situation, you will need to be strategic make a good plan and make sure he knows nothing of it!

Would your mum help you to rent another place locally? If you give notice on your current rental and move out with the kids, it would be up to DH to sort himself out.

The most important thing will be to not change your mind. Make the decision to leave him, and stick.to.it.