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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is breaking up the kindest thing to do?

5 replies

Anne24768 · 28/07/2020 10:38

I feel so low, and so defeated today.

I love my girlfriend so much. We have been together 18 months and live together. I have struggled with my mental health our whole relationship, and lockdown, actually gave me a really good lift for about 8 weeks, and my girlfriend said that I was thriving! However, now it has been going on too long, and we are both stressed and bored being cooped up for so long. We are both working from home in a small 1 bed house, and neither of us particularly are enjoying our jobs at the moment.

Being around eachother all the time is probably making us take eachother for granted. My mental health is really bad, and there is no respite for her. Although she does see her friends several times a week for walks, and goes to her mother's for dinner every week. So we aren't together literally 24/7 - but still nearly that much!

I have been feeling so low for such a long time, and if anything it seems to be getting worse and worse. I feel like I am in a big dark hole that I can't get out of, no matter how much I try.

I have weekly appointments with a psychologist. I am studying so I can get the job I want in the future. I have read so many self-help books. I go for walks every day. Eat healthily. I have tried so much to feel better.

When I feel low, I am so consumed by guilt and shame of what I am putting my girlfriend through. She has told me that she is miserable too, and that she can't help but be dragged down when I am down. I understand completely as who wants to be around someone miserable all the time? This makes me feel like if I truly loved her, I would set her free to find someone who is happy and healthy. I am not making her happy. I am a burden and I am dragging her down.

The guilt for making her unhappy is making me feel worse. At least if I was on my own I wouldn't have to deal with that guilt :(

I feel I have become stuck in an unhealthy trap. I feel hopeless and low - but I feel so guilty for being this way because of how it is effecting her that it is making me feel worse. I honestly feel like the girl she met and fell in love with has disappeared, and I feel hopeless that she will come back.

The kindest thing to do all around would be to break up. So I can focus on myself (wallow in self pity alone lol) she deserves happiness and she isn't going to have that with me

OP posts:
Anne24768 · 28/07/2020 11:20

Bump

OP posts:
missnevermind · 28/07/2020 11:32

Can you go back to dating rather than split up.
Look forward to doing things and planing things together rather than being in each others pockets.
Room to grow and remember why you love each other.

Anne24768 · 28/07/2020 11:33

@missnevermind

Can you go back to dating rather than split up. Look forward to doing things and planing things together rather than being in each others pockets. Room to grow and remember why you love each other.
Thank you for your reply.

How do we do this? I don't think I would be proposing splitting up if we didn't leave together, because we could just have space for me to focus on my mental health. But we live together, in a 1 bed house, we are both working from home and we are on top of eachother all the time. She can't escape my depression. I can't escape it either but she shouldn't be stuck with it too :(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2020 11:50

Can you move out for a while?
Get some space away from each other.
Are you on medication for your depression?

Anne24768 · 28/07/2020 12:02

@hellsbellsmelons

Can you move out for a while? Get some space away from each other. Are you on medication for your depression?
I don't have anywhere to go. Unless I booked a hotel or an air b&b somewhere.

The easiest option would be for her to go and stay with her mum... we have discussed this before briefly and she is opposed to this as she says that she doesn't want to leave the house, and she doesn't see what the space will do as you will just return to the same problems. But I just feel that this situation is really detrimental and I don't want things to continue to get worse and worse. I feel so lost as to how to make things better

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