I feel so low, and so defeated today.
I love my girlfriend so much. We have been together 18 months and live together. I have struggled with my mental health our whole relationship, and lockdown, actually gave me a really good lift for about 8 weeks, and my girlfriend said that I was thriving! However, now it has been going on too long, and we are both stressed and bored being cooped up for so long. We are both working from home in a small 1 bed house, and neither of us particularly are enjoying our jobs at the moment.
Being around eachother all the time is probably making us take eachother for granted. My mental health is really bad, and there is no respite for her. Although she does see her friends several times a week for walks, and goes to her mother's for dinner every week. So we aren't together literally 24/7 - but still nearly that much!
I have been feeling so low for such a long time, and if anything it seems to be getting worse and worse. I feel like I am in a big dark hole that I can't get out of, no matter how much I try.
I have weekly appointments with a psychologist. I am studying so I can get the job I want in the future. I have read so many self-help books. I go for walks every day. Eat healthily. I have tried so much to feel better.
When I feel low, I am so consumed by guilt and shame of what I am putting my girlfriend through. She has told me that she is miserable too, and that she can't help but be dragged down when I am down. I understand completely as who wants to be around someone miserable all the time? This makes me feel like if I truly loved her, I would set her free to find someone who is happy and healthy. I am not making her happy. I am a burden and I am dragging her down.
The guilt for making her unhappy is making me feel worse. At least if I was on my own I wouldn't have to deal with that guilt :(
I feel I have become stuck in an unhealthy trap. I feel hopeless and low - but I feel so guilty for being this way because of how it is effecting her that it is making me feel worse. I honestly feel like the girl she met and fell in love with has disappeared, and I feel hopeless that she will come back.
The kindest thing to do all around would be to break up. So I can focus on myself (wallow in self pity alone lol) she deserves happiness and she isn't going to have that with me