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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hypercritical mother - anyone else has got one?

15 replies

HypatiaofAlexandria · 28/07/2020 08:47

I'm in therapy for anxiety. I have been suffering from it for as long as I can remember, but only recently I have decided to seek help.

In the last couple of years it has spiralled out of control. My therapist asked about my relationship with my parents. I have lots of issues with my mother, but always felt guilty about talking about them.

Since I can recall my mother has been hypercritical of me. Anything from my hair ("It's horrible, and thin, and it's your fault, you are ruinung it", as I went through a period of hair loss), the way I blink ("you are doing it on purpose to irritate me, you look retarded"), to literally everything else. I didn't have to talk, just exist for her to pick on me. I spent my teenage years crying every day (she would make me cry and then complain I was too sensitive and weak, "you will do nothing good in life"). I developed an eating disorder and my self esteem is non existent. My eating disorder was never treated as my mother doesn't believe in mental health issues, she thinks they are made up. I managed to get out of it myself. (She threatened to hit me and I was scared so I overcame it).

She was great to my sister. Never criticised, shielded by anyone even suggesting something...you get the picture. Growing up we became really distant and now barely communicate. My sister and she talk a lot behind my back, and sometimes I find out as my mother uses this as an excuse to come back and hurt me.

She can be insensitive, and thinks it's okay, because she's my mother, if she doesn't give me a dose of "healthy criticism" than who will?

Anyway, long story short, I feel drained, and I feel exhausted. I just need to vent and talk to people who are going through a similar situation.

OP posts:
hustler2020 · 28/07/2020 08:56

i feel you ( although my mum isn't as bad as yours) but it starts a pattern of self criticism feeling like you're never good enough etc which can lead to anxiety

i would have as little contact with her until you find the tools to cope cause shes never gonna change . you're gonna have to be the one that changes you're reaction to her

step 1 - continue therapy (well done)

step 2 - stop seeking her approval she will never be happy its her its not you

HypatiaofAlexandria · 28/07/2020 09:16

@hustler2020 I hear you. There's a part of my brain that knows exactly I should stop seeking her approval, but since having children I have found it so hard, I'd like to have a mother daughter relationship that's more standard. I sound horrible, but to me she's like a very distant relative I barely care about Sad I fought for years for her approval and was treated like her behaviour towards me was justified.

I do worry a lot about my relationship with my kids and feel a bit lost for not having my mum to take inspiration from.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 28/07/2020 09:20

but you can take inspiration from your relationship with your mum!

you can be inspired to be the exact opposite!

do you ever feel the need to give your DC a dose of "healthy criticism"?

hustler2020 · 28/07/2020 09:27

since i have come to terms with accepting that i will never have that mother/daughter relationship i wanted (took years) it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders .

who knows with therapy you may reach an acceptance of her where it wont bother you what she thinks therefore changing the dynamics between you 2 but you have to concentrate on working on you first & foremost

as for your kids the best thing you can do for them is learn from what your mother did to you and make sure you do not repeat patterns

its time to concentrate on you & your kids

Goyle · 28/07/2020 09:43

I have anxiety, partly stemming from my mother constantly criticising my hair, my shape my weight, my achievements...I left home 23 years ago and it stayed with me. I had therapy and it really helped.

My mother still thinks she can control me. I ignore her. We are LC now.

Esthermoo01 · 28/07/2020 09:44

Hi lovely, I've been having therapy for the last 2.5 years regarding similar issues with my mum. I have two daughters and I can't help but do pretty much the exact opposite from my mum with them and I am generally happy with how I parent. I do want a relationship with my mum, but I often think it would be far far easier to cut off from her. Working on the relationship is the hardest thing I've ever done. My self esteem is shattered mainly because of her and I find it so hard to forgive her for that. It's all work in progress. The fact you are in therapy shows you want to change and move forward which is more than she will ever do. That in itself shows that you have a fighting chance of being a better parent and a far more content person than her. You are trying your best. When it's too hard take a short break from seeing or speaking to her and your sis if you can. Xxx

Sicario · 28/07/2020 09:53

I turned myself inside-out trying to rescue something of a relationship with my hyper-critical (and violent) mother. She definitely taught me how NOT to parent.

The dynamics of my family are complicated, and I came to the conclusion that their version of "normal" included me being the one who was always ended up under the bus. A few years ago I met my breaking point and decided no more.

I am now NC with my mother and with all my siblings. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but I'm never going back there.

My own little family unit is a huge bundle of love. This is where I choose to place my heart.

I hope you can make peace with your past and build your own loving family.

Sondor · 28/07/2020 10:12

If it makes you feel any better OP my DM had the same kind of relationship with her mum. As a child I had NO idea. I started to clock it in my teens but only judged DGM. My DM is a brilliant, wonderful woman who is close to all her DC. History doesn't have to repeat itself.

HypatiaofAlexandria · 28/07/2020 10:50

@Sicario yes, it is going to be a lot of work, but I need to start working on myself I guess, as she will always be thinking that she's absolutely right.

@Sondor that's very reassuring.

OP posts:
HypatiaofAlexandria · 28/07/2020 10:57

@Esthermoo01 I feel exactly the same, sometimes guilty. Sometimes I tell myself that she doesn't really understand that people can be different from her, but not necessarily wrong or flawed.

I am trying to be a different, more present parent. When I was little she mostly away, so it wasn't a massive issue. When I was older she was arpund more and things started going donwhill. She had no idea how to parent and it was like she was parenting a small child.

I think I was quite emotionally immature until I finished uni (my parents had a huge power on me even at uni, I didn't have a lot of freedom).

I tried talking about my feelings, but every conversation is always turned into a fight with them saying :"After all we did for you!".

Another thing my mother used to do was promising something and then deny it last minute. She still does it now, she says things and then accuses me of lying. DH didn't believe me until she did it to him!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2020 13:41

but since having children I have found it so hard
This is often a trigger for childhood abuse to rear it's head.
You realise that you would never treat your DC like this, so why does your mum do it!?
There is not logical explanation for this.
She's abusive towards you.
You are the 'scapegoat' and your DSis is the 'golden child'
There are far too many families like this out there.
It's heartbreaking.
But know that your mother will never change towards you.
She's been able to control and put your down for many years and she won't give that up easily.
So.... you need to take action.
Try to 'grey rock' her. It's a good technique - have a google.

Do some reading. On Amazon search for 'toxic mothers'. Susan Forward is usually a good read on things like this.
But please know, this is not you.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough for her.
You will never gain her approval, no matter how much you try.
You are now realising this.
Do some reading. Keep up with the therapy.
Best advice though is to go NC!
Best for your own sanity and happiness.
It will take some time and work but you will get there!

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2020 13:41

Also google - narcissistic mothers and NPD - you will find your mother there!

Sicario · 28/07/2020 13:44

I needed some big long space to be able to work it through in my head and forgive them. I had a wonderful therapist for 4 years who helped me to unpack my head and work through all the layers. (I didn't go for any of my family issues, but of course it comes out eventually.)

I now choose to believe that they didn't know any better. That's how I can forgive them. With my mother, I do the same. She did her best, even though it was far from good enough, and I forgive her and understand that she wasn't capable of being a good mother.

But that doesn't negate the damage that was done to me.

I did everything I could to try to make things better, and I don't regret that. It was part of the journey. I now consider myself a survivor of all that shit, and I don't owe any of them anything. My life is so much better now.

ItWasNotOK · 28/07/2020 13:46

Mine is much the same. After I told her to stop being so awful, she no longer does it. If she starts, I change the subject.

It took years to work up to that point though, I'm not saying it's easy.

The book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" helped a lot.

Clumsyduck · 28/07/2020 13:55

Oh god yes . I love her but I do try keep a bit of distance these days . Which upsets her - I have pointed out that she often ruins time together because of her “ going on” at me but she can’t help herself

How my house would look better in such and such a way
Why don’t I dress this way or that way ( I like how I dress fwiw )
Comparing me to her friends Adult kids Who are married / more settled Or whatever . I’m happy with my life it’s had it’s ups and downs but iv never Really been conventional and I like how I am ( so do my friends ) please just accept me !!

Also had The hair comments - yes thanks mum I realise my hair was quite the mess when lots of it had fallen out and the only option was to cut it very short and shove up in a little ponytail but seriously thanks for crushing my self esteem further then giving me your wide eyed “ but you are beautiful what did I say wrong” act when I started crying

Stuff like that over the years

I am nothing like this with my dc

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