he did it again? Should I wait till pandemic is over?

[nolose]

Hi all!
Long story short: couple of months ago I discovered my DP is texting with some girl, it was sexting with sending each other pictures and videos. They never met, but it lasted almost the same as our relationship. She knew about me and about our DD. It was texting each other every couple of weeks, sometimes months. After confronting him, he was trying to not make a big deal of it, saying he did not cheated on me. Anyway I got soo heartbroken and couldn't believe he was doing this to me, to us for all this time. I made him block her and delete her contacts everywhere. I told him if I will discover it happened again I will take our DD and leave him.
He promised it wont happen.
As a background: we live currently in his country, where we moved from UK last year. He got a good job offer. He left his job tough in the beginning of the year, because it made him stressed to extreme, was too much for him. We decided we want to move back to UK and then I found out about those messages. Then pandemic came and stopped our plans. We spent our savings. I got a good job and now its me who pays the bills/rent, and my DP stays with our DD.
Yesterday I discovered she texted him 2 months ago asking if he blocked her and why. He said it was me, as I know they were sexting and I threatened him to take our DD. She said she did not want to make more trouble for him and said ok, wont text you, and he said - oh come one, nothing's gonna happen if we will talk to each other from time to time and was trying to make joke in all that situation. And they are texting again! It is not much sexting like it was before, but still!!! They text maybe once a week two weeks. I feel betrayed and disappointed, but I dont know how to act now. I blocked her again (as he apparently only deleted her number on whatsapp last time), and deleted the chat. I did not tell him about that though, Im curious if he will discover himself or she's gonna reach him. Maybe he will think it was him who deleted the chat and forgot? Even if he will find out how he will confront me? He will need to admit they were texting! Or maybe I should text her to tell her to fu** off?

Anyway not sure what to do, not even sure what I feel in that situation. Last months were really stressful for me and us, that I dont wanna think about more stress like moving out with our DD. Even if yes - where to? I dont know the language here. For sure can handle with English, but still is not enough. Want to go back to UK hopefully next year, if situation with covid will get better. Can get good experience with my current role. Was thinking to not tell him now, but maybe when I will feel like it is a good moment to reveal it?? And slowly save some money till that time and pretend nothing happened ( till he will piss me off next time;).

What do you think? How would you act now?

Hi Nolose,
Sorry to read this. Your DP sounds like an absolute idiot and very disrespectful.
He knows you don’t want him to text this woman, yet he continues - why? Because he doesn’t respect you.

As he lost his job and you’re the one paying the bills now, he probably feels less of a man and this woman makes him feel good.
He is being very selfish.
If this was the first time he’d text her, I’d say give him a second chance but as you’ve already told him that you don’t want him texting her and how it upsets you - it’s clear he doesn’t care what you think so I would make plans to leave him, however difficult it may be.
I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh but it doesn’t sound like he will change.
What country are you from and where do you live currently?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the feelings you have right now.
You are stronger than you think. Why? Because you see he has no respect for you, no love and no interest in how you feel or your relationship.
He was cyber cheating, for the whole of your relationship ship!! With 1 particular person! So not even an excuse of seeking whatever feelings from wherever. All his attention was focussed on 1 woman.

Obviously looking back it's easy to say you should've LTB first time. But it's always difficult when DC are involved.

You have 2 choices. You can kick him out now, deal with that fall out while in a strange country. Or wait, get yourself in a strong position and leave for the uk with you and your DD. Both will come with their own faults and benefits. However, if you choose to wait, be prepared to let him text away to whomever he wants but try detach yourself with the knowledge it's already over and your focus is fully on the next step. It will be hard but if you can do that...

Do you have someone irl you can talk to? If you do they could help see you through saving until you are ready to move to the uk and leave the cheating b**rd behind. Or perhaps family back in the uk who would help support your move back?

If you and your dd is now resident in the other country, you may not be allowed take them back to the UK without their father's consent. He is the sahp, and may gain main custody if you split now. You'd then be stuck in his country. I think you need to find out the law quickly, before you do anything!

Do you need his consent to leave the country with your dd? If so, I would pretend up until the point you're safely where you want to be, and split up then.

But I wouldn't leave it too long, in case he leaves you but still prevents you moving countries.

I'd say i want to work on the relationship but back in the UK and slowly get yourself back there.

Which country are you in?

I would start applying for jobs in the U.K. now and plan to move back “together”. You don’t want to be in the position where you leave him and he refuses to consent the dd going with you. Depending on the country be very careful. If you did leave the courts would send her back if he applied to them.

Get back home with his agreement and then leave this utter loser. He has told you that what he’s doing is fine. He has no problem with having a full blown emotional affair in front of your face. He would be sleeping with her if he could.

You are worth so much more than this, but for now focus on being where you need to be. Don’t risk having to stay in his country forever.

Come back to the UK now if you can stay with family. He's a disrespectful knob.

You told him you would leave if he did it again...he did it again 🤷‍♀️

Leave

Make your plans OP. You know what you want to do. Get yourself in a strong position, and get DD back to the UK without revealing your plans until you are both safe home. Then tell him to fuck the fuck right off.