Where to start with fixing marriage

[Chatty987]

Not sure really where to start with all this, but feel I need to write it down to get things clear in my head. Any words of wisdom would be very welcome. Basically I’m not quite sure where to start with saving my marriage. My head is in a real blur….all I know is the bad days are getting more and more frequent as well as the fantasy of living in my own house just me and the DC (3 & 6yo).

Basically, my DH just swings from good to bad moods all the time. I instantly know when I’ve “irritated” him and the bad moods start. He’s snappy, angry and shouty when like this. I’m scared to talk to him and know to be quiet.

Sometimes I wonder why we ever got married. How did I end up here. I feel so stupid. There were red flags all over it and was just so naïve or thought his irritability and bad moods and were caused by something I had done so always tried to placate him. I also thought I could live with his various idiosyncrasies (nit-picking etc).

Other things that are getting to me more and more include his eating and drinking habits. He has a really bad diet and always has done. He just lives off a basic diet of around 2-3 meals which usually consist of carbs and cheese. Other meals are junk food orientated (he is slim however). I can cook and always make nutritious meals for me and DC but he rarely joins in. I have to adapt his junk type meals into healthier versions for me and the DC for us to eat together.

He drinks a lot – probably 5 times a week with each session consisting of around a bottle of wine and a couple of spirits. He’s all light and perky once he’s had a drink but I am finding this increasingly tiresome. I’m not a massive drinker, and have problem drinkers featuring in my childhood so it’s not something I respect. Before kids I would join in with wine sessions a few times a week, but I don’t have the capacity energy-wise to drink more than 1 or 2 times and only over the weekend now with having young DC.

I find it really hard to ask him to do anything or go anywhere. I always have to wait for the right moment or present things in a certain way (or wait until he's had a drink!). Normal things like suggesting we go for a family outing/walk would have to be seriously contemplated before my asking him. I would dream of a DH who would respond with a simple “yeah, that would be great”. Instead, I get a frown and a counter suggestion of something like let’s stay home and get a takeaway family dinner. I understand people have different energy levels and life is about compromise, but I feel that the things that make me happy in life/the simple pleasures I cannot do with him.

Another thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is his increasing need to be reassured and have his ego massaged. Not sure if it’s narcissistic tendencies and don’t mean to be a keyboard psychiatrist. He has no long term friends (e.g. school, uni). His friends are mainly former colleagues and acquaintances. He’d much rather go drinking with an acquaintance than with somebody potentially closer on a friendship level. He likes to impress people and charm them and gets a real buzz out of that instant energy (and then the warmth of the feedback from such acquaintances thereafter, e.g. from texts saying they had a the best night ever with him, etc). This is particularly the case with male acquaintances. Not sure if that is making any sense.

Sex is also pretty non-existent. In the last few years since children, we’ve probably had sex less than 10 times. It was dwindling before children and I used to complain that I always initiated things. I grew tired of initiating and now I’ve lost interest really so it doesn’t bother me too much. Not sure how I feel about a sexless marriage though. I never thought I’d be in that position. We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I am a bit obsessed about getting a good night’s sleep so I can deal with work and the DC the next day and he snores loudly or smells of alcohol so I would rather sleep in the spare room.

I’m sure counselling is probably the way to go for us. I’ve suggested it and he doesn’t seem quite on board yet. Anyone got any other suggestions…are there any good books I could read to try and get my head straight? I’m wondering whether my expectations are too high, I’m being oversensitive about things and am just generally am being too serious. Maybe there’s some truth in that. However, I can’t escape from this increasing feel of unhappiness.

Thank you if you’ve got this far.

Sorry things are like this, op. Three things strike me from your post. He is an alcoholic. He sounds abusive. Could he possibly be gay? More help and advice will be along shortly.

Thank you for responding @Geppili. Things seem better today but I know it won't be long before another episode and back to square one. Found a couple of podcasts I'm going to listen to and work things out in my own head before pushing for counselling.

He sounds controlling and abusive.
You should never have joint counselling with a person like this.
Any counsellor worth their salt would not do it.
Separate counselling would be a good idea for you.
Unpick what is going on in your head.
I would also suggest contacting Al-Anon.
They help families of alcoholics and could be a great support for you.
I think you know what to do but it's just doing that is the issue.
Do you have someone in RL you could confide in?

Do not have counselling with him as it is really not recommended in abusive relationship. I agree that counselling for you is a good idea. Do the Freedom Programme.

You can't "fix" an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. You can't "fix" it because you are not the problem. He will not change.

Get the support of friends and family and make a plan to get out.

Its not you, its him. You cannot fix him or your marriage as its over in all but name.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it still so what is it?. Do not stay with him merely because of your kids; that would be a dreadful idea.

Indeed how did you end up with this man, marry and go onto have two children by him?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you for instance see similar at home between mum and dad?.

Joint counselling with him is a non starter because he is both alcoholic and abusive. Counselling with abusers does not work. As others have rightly pointed out as well, no decent counsellor would ever want to counsel you and he in the same room.

What you see from him is the nice and nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. This is no life for you nor for that matter your children to learn about relationships from, this is no legacy to leave them. This relationship is really over both because of how he treats you (and in turn them) along with his alcoholism.

Counselling solely for you is indeed a good idea as well as contacting Al-anon and enrolling yourself onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme.

I would also consider seeking legal advice re separation and divorce sooner rather than later. Knowledge after all here is also power.

Thanks all for your response. I really appreciate it. I hadn't really thought about solo-counselling before and it's something I would definitely do and let him know about. In RL, I do have friends and family I can talk to. A lot of friends are connected to us as a couple with children who mix together and I am hesitant about disclosing too much of my personal life to them - I'm scared of friends distancing themselves if the appearance of our happy family life isn't quite what it seems - this is more for the DC's sake as I don't want them to miss out on playdates, etc (sounds ridiculous I know!). I could probably talk to one of my close friends who lives far away and isn't really close to my DH anyway.

I don't feel ready to talk to family about it yet but I will do in due course.

To give a bit of balance, clearly my op presents all of the negative points re my DH. He does have good qualities when he's on good form - hence the reason why I married him and the balance was tipped in favour of all of the positives. I was just naïve to the bad points and the stakes weren't as high before kids came along. I was also quite clueless about emotional abuse and red flags. Naturally I am a people pleaser and my parent's relationship was very healthy - I didn't know there was such a thing as emotional abuse/control issues. I just kinda thought they were my fault when triggered and it was my job to rectify.

Given that you cannot answer what you get out of this relationship I assume that you are getting nothing out of it. What does that tell you?.

I would continue writing here in the meantime, you will get support that way as well and you need a safe outlet for your feelings.

Do not tell him you are considering sole counselling. Abuse like you describe and make no mistake here, this is an abusive relationship you are in, thrives also on secrecy. By not speaking out you are basically covering for him. If your friends are decent people they are not going to distant themselves from your kids for playdates and yes that point of yours made here does sound ridiculous. You're clutching at straws here but you're finally waking up.

I do not think your parents relationship is actually at all healthy mainly because you've become a people pleaser. What does people pleasing give you?. People pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities along with lack of self-esteem and self worth. Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favour, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them and that is what your H has done all the way along here. Who taught you to be such a person?. One of your parents here did that and it has harmed you as a person immensely.

Start getting out of the people-pleasing habit by saying no to something small. Express your opinion about something simple. Or take a stand for something you believe in. Each step you take will help you gain more confidence in your ability to be yourself.

If you’re really struggling to let go of these habits, seek help. A therapist can help you build the mental strength you need to create the kind of life you want to live.

When is your DH ever on "good form" these days. You're now sleeping in separate rooms; do not think that your children do not notice that either because they see. They certainly pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here between you two. Its not your fault or theirs that their dad has chosen to embark on his own private based war against you. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want your children to be seeing and potentially emulating themselves as adults?. No it is not is it?. They modify their behaviours also like you do so as to try to not set him off.

You have been given some good suggestions, I had not previously appreciated the points about joint counselling.
It sounds as if the situation has developed gradually and you are staying because of a sense of loyalty. That is praiseworthy in itself. Switching that off will be hard for you. But, time to take stock and asses the future path of this.

I wonder if he recognises it. That will be the first stage for him. The important stage is Understanding. That will be so much more difficult for him.
Until he reaches the first stage you will not be able to influence him. Will staying put you into danger, if not now then later. If yes then depart.