How to approach this with MIL

[WhoisRebecca]

DP (soon to be DH) had an acrimonious split from his ex wife in which she tried to prevent him seeing the children. Everything is court ordered now but dp had a horrendous few months waiting for a court date when ex wife moved the dc to a new area and new schools and he didn’t know where they were! It was incredibly traumatic. Thankfully, that is over now and the judge at the last hearing made it very clear that ex wife would face consequences if she did not abide by the current court order. Ex wife still tries to be as obstructive as she can without breaking the order (crying in front of the dc at handover, telling her 4 year old that she only visits daddy and it isn’t her home, refusing to send any clothes - even coats).

MIL adores her gc and unfortunately is still traumatised by the period where she couldn’t see them. Dp is level headed and has come to terms with what happened, but MIL wants to talk about how horrible ex wife is at every opportunity. It’s a bit off putting- I get her pain and resentment- but I don’t want to discuss ex wife constantly. She came over for dinner yesterday and she cut me off when I was saying something unrelated to ask dp if ex wife was still with her boyfriend. Dp tried to steer her off the subject but it didn’t work. I don’t mind in moderation, I know ex wife will be a feature of our lives, but the constant bitching about her, even if justified, doesn’t help anyone. She’s still the children’s mother and dp is moving on with me, so ex having a boyfriend is none of our concern really.

MIL can be very kind and lovely, it is just this issue that is problematic and is making me feel in the shadow of ex! I will never be the mother of dp’s child, as I have dc already and I can’t help feeling that MIL is just really fixated on the ex because of the gc.

Don’t know if it is relevant but ex wife left dp when the almost 5 y old was a baby (she left for a new relationship) so we have been together for three years and I was not part of the break up - I didn’t know dp then.

I would say your DP needs to do it. If you do, no matter how you word it, no matter what you say, MIL will almost certainly take it that you're 'jealous' or threatened

I think your DP needs to say to her that he doesn’t want to keep dwelling on it and ask her to stop talking about it so much

Yes that makes sense. And I’m not jealous as such, more that I need to establish my role in the family and my relationship with dp without constant discussions about the ex. MIL hates her, which is understandable in the circumstances, but it isn’t healthy for her

I agree he needs to tackle it. Why hasn’t he? What’s it to your soon to be MIL what the ex’s love life is like?! Weird.

“I don’t know mum, honestly, it’s none of yours or my business, I don’t want to discuss her, please stop bringing it up”. Repeat as needed.

Dp has mentioned it before but I think he needs to have a word with her again. I think I might try to give extremely minimal responses to any talk of ex. I also think it is risky because the dc could overhear her one day.

"I don’t know mum, honestly, it’s none of yours or my business, I don’t want to discuss her, please stop bringing it up”. Repeat as needed.

This. Rinse and repeat. Over and over.

Backed up by a text along the lines "I know it was an awful time and ex put us through a lot but we really want to be positive and move forwards rather than looking back. I know it was awful for you too and that you're understandably protective of me and the kids, but we really want to stop discussing ex so we can focus on positive things and enjoy our family, including you. Hope you can get on board with that, love you and see you soon."

@backseatcookers that is a lovely response, thank you. I will show dp this thread as well. I feel like the focus on the past does mar our future as a family a little, so getting past that would be a positive step. In the past I’ve joined in a bit with talk of how ex has not sent coats on a rainy day (during lockdown when she had always sent them before) etc, but I think that just encourages MIL to talk more about her. I understood a bit when it related to the children, but I draw the line at ex and her love life, so I’m going to bow out of all discussion if I can.

MIL is over tomorrow to see the gc. DH has said he’ll raise it with her, but I’m not sure how to react if she brings the ex up again. I don’t want to appear rude by completed ignoring it but I also don’t want to get drawn in.

@WhoisRebecca

MIL is over tomorrow to see the gc. DH has said he’ll raise it with her, but I’m not sure how to react if she brings the ex up again. I don’t want to appear rude by completed ignoring it but I also don’t want to get drawn in.

I think best to prep DH in advance that your party line will be to say something like let's not talk about that, let's talk about happy things. And then send something along the lines of the message I suggested above afterwards if she did bring it up. You sound lovely and so I think you just need to make sure you and DH are on the same page but then leave it to him to handle by setting clear boundaries with his mum

I don't know what to tell you to do but I wanted to say how lovely and level-headed you sound. It would be so so easy for you to whinge and bitch about the ex with your mil, but you know it wouldn't be any good in the long term and your instinct is wanting to move on. I don't think that's jealousy at all- the opposite, if anything. You're really wise and good-hearted.

It's not healthy.

It helps no-one.

She's her gc's mother, and the bottom line is that if MIL doesn't get over her hatred, the gc will feel it as they get older and MIL will be the loser because they will always always love and protect their mother first.

It makes you and your DP feel awkward and sad because quite frankly, you'd rather not think about her any more than you have to.

DP needs to tell her all of this, in a serious sit-down conversation.

Distract and deflect particularly in front of D.C and get him to speak with her about it.
Eg
Mil - ex blah blah
You oh look - a bird, butterfly, pretty flower,
Mil - ex blah blah
You - would you like a cup of tea, cake biscuit?
Mil ex blah blah
You - dc come here and show granny your drawing (whatever)
And so on

Thank you all for such kind responses. They really are appreciated . I do feel like letting go of any bitterness will be healthy for everyone (I know that might seem easy for me to say, but at first I felt angry too- I’m protective of dp and his love for his dc). I want the dc to feel they can talk freely about their mum here, so MIL cutting back on this sort of talk will definitely be a positive thing for them too.

Agree that your partner needs to deal with this immediately. He needs to tell his mother in no uncertain terms that discussing his ex is off limits. If she can't manage that, she can stay home.