Negging/passive aggressive or just being a dick?

[Thighdentitycrisis]

I need some outside opinions on this behaviour in my relationship.

I'm in LDR. We've been friends for years and in a relationship for just over 2 years. Haven't seen each other since February.

Couple of times I notice that he will say something that is what I call a backhanded compliment, for example; 'I love you thigh, even when you are ......(insert character flaw as identified by DP), this happened after we had argued and he had been forced to accept that he was in the wrong - not without running me down mind, I didn't reply to this but it has been festering.

Most recently we didn't argue, but the situation was more that he didn't get his own way. We haven't been able to travel to each others countries without quarantine and he has been hopeful that he could visit soon, saying frequently to me - maybe after x date, I will be able to come, restrictions will lift soon, etc. desperately need a holiday and I have now booked a cottage holiday here for myself and my adult DS and although I told him I was going to do it, a couple of times DP is 'hurt' by this. I told him why I was doing it, and a couple more truths about how I felt about the relationship, and how it was entirely justified and he accepted it all. We haven't spoken for a couple of days since, but he texted me yesterday trying to schmooze up to me, and as soon as I said something affectionate in response he replied "I am missing our kitchen arguments".

I take this as passive aggressive and am angered by it. It seems to me that because he knows he is wrong, He feels he has to make me feel bad in some way.

What do you think?

He’s still very resentful and will endlessly remind you in little ways of his dissatisfaction. Really, he sounds like a dick.

I would use the holiday to seriously question the relationship.. He sounds like a spoilt kid.
And you have already dealt with teen years with your ds...

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. BTW have you been in abusive relationships before now too?.

Go on holiday with your son and do not give this man another thought.
End this LDR, its a waste of time because he is also treating you abusively.

He shouldn't be upset by you having a holiday, she should be encouraging you to go and have a break and a lovely time with your dc. That, for me is the biggest red flag.

And yes, he's negging you, and also sounds like a dick

Thanks for all responses. I agree and feel validated.

For those who think it is abusive, can you expand? as I don't want to just jump to that conclusion without exploring it in more depth.

I agree he should be encouraging me and he is feeling sorry for himself.

I am going to enjoy my holiday of course, I have had several holidays alone since we have been in a relationship because he is always working too hard to take time off from his business. I see this as not
really being available to be in a relationship but at the same time keeping me entangled.

I am actually capable and confident on my own, but thought it would be nice to share things with a partner.

He's selfish, jealous, petulant, and passive-aggressive. I should hope you feel that you deserve better than this.

I have been in abusive relationships before, In fact I think all my relationships have been. I didn't have good role models of parenting and relationships growing up so that is a gap in my knowledge. I only got into a relationship with him as we had known each other for so long.

Now I'm not sure how to get out of it or if I really want to or would prefer to lay down my boundaries and see how he responds.

Sounds like his ego is bruised realising you can go and holiday without him and plan to enjoy it!!

I have to go out now unexpectedly, I really appreciate the replies and having the chance to talk it through. Will check back in later.

He sounds like a complete and utter dick, tbh.

One of the things I keep noticing on threads on the Relationships board is how much time and mental effort many women seem to spend trying to work out the reasons for their partner's bad behaviour.

Why does it matter whether he is negging, being passive aggressive or just being a dick? Are any of those things characteristics you want in a partner? The only acceptable amount of (any kind of) abuse in a relationship is none at all and not even any suspicion of abuse.

Why does it matter whether he is negging, being passive aggressive or just being a dick? Are any of those things characteristics you want in a partner?

This. And someone doesn't have to meet an official threshold of abusive in order for you to want to leave them. He sounds like a dick. That's reason enough.

OP long distance relationships can't continue over years. You've been together two years now, what are the plans in getting together? My point being, what's the point?

If he's too busy working to go on holiday or do anything else, he'll be too busy working if you do actually end up in the same place. He won't change just because you're nearer. He isn't making time for you now and you've barely seen each other this year. Of course he can take time off, he just chooses not to.

He shouldn't be criticising you. He's being rude and inconsiderate of your feelings.

Look, this relationship isn't going anywhere and he'll be just as rude and critical when you're together. I'd cut your losses and move on.

As for the previous abusive relationships, you sound very insightful and should really just keep away from relationships for a while. Focus on your child, your career, your hobbies, friends, fitness etc Do some reading up around abuse and spotting red flags, get to a point where you're happy with yourself, then think about relationships.

I have an update; if anyone is interested.

He has since tried to be most concilliatory which I have tolerated. He now suggests that maybe he can travel after all, and might he join DS and I on our trip! I think this because he realises that I am not bothered by his being hurt (sulking) and PA digs ? (that sounds mean, I mean I feel entirely justified in my actions). So he is trying another tactic to get some kind of response from me that will feed his ego somehow.

I have ignored the request for now, but I will tell him next time we speak that I will be going with just DS, we have planned it to be that way and we would like to spend time together and all this was planned in response to him not being able to travel. Sure, he may be hurt again but I can see it is just trying to get back control of where I go and who I see so he will not be invited to join us.

I don't want to end the relationship, maybe it will end anyway but I don't feel it's' the time for it to end yet. On the other hand I also don't want to continue it in order to be controlling. I want to try and do what I want (not in a disrespectful way, to be able to be myself and not always be worried he will not accept my choices or me. I want to see if he will still want to be in a relationship because that is what he is always saying he wants; for us to be authentic.

If he decides he doesn't want to be in this relationship, I want that to be evident through me being fair and assertive, not getting into arguments in which he twist what I say and makes himself out to be the injured party.

I don't know if any of this makes sense but it is very useful for me to write it down.