Leaving a toxic relationship

[FriesianSparkle]

Hi guys. I'm new to all this and first time i have posted. I've read in the past about toxic/verbal abusive relationships on mumsnet but never thought this would be me 😞 my 21 yr relationship ended in November 2015 with my then 6 year old only daughter. That relationship had run its course. Fast forward May 2016. I was what i thought happy and content and not needing a relationship, rented house, job, confidence growing and daughter thriving. This guy comes along and what i can only describe now as "love bombed" me.Chocolate, Champagne, Flowers all the things i never had and i thought wow who is this guy? 🤔 well eventually we went for dinner hit it off found out he was previously married but his son from another relationship after the marriage was same age as daughter. Great..you think..ok the red flags were there but at the time i didn't see it. He drinks and smokes alot i mean alot. I was warned " he liked a drink" but not to the extent i now know...anyway over the 4 yrs we were together more off than on i realise now i was " trauma bonded" and went back multiple times...he was nasty, controlling, belittled me and made me feel crap. We finally broke up the start of lockdown but still he tries to control me while at the same time telling me to move on. Why am i so attached to this guy? My 21 yr relationship was a breeze to get over. This guy is no good for me, my daughter or my mental health so why can't i move forward. He never physically hit me just emotional. I know he is a functioning alcoholic and no he won't except this. I'm the problem and i have the issues. And he is making me believe this. My self esteem is rock bottom and i need help to move forward as my life is just stagnant at the minute 😞

OP, it's lockdown and you may be lonely. Block him for good and move on. Do you want to write here the same thing in two years time? It will not get better - stop exposing your daughter to toxic relationships. Just because she is young does not mean she is observing and taking in everything.

Do not make on/off relationships a habit. An ex was in a relationship for 15 years before we met - most of it was off and he tried to do it to me. I told him to fuck off and blocked and deleted his number. People get into that habit and it becomes their normal. Break the cycle and move on, if he make contact, do not answer.

You have a choice re this man and your daughter does not. Why indeed are you so attached to this man, you are possibly still very much trauma bonded to him. How is he able to contact you still?. You really do need to go cold turkey and stop giving this man any more of your precious headspace by blocking him on all channels.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid; this will also help you move forward.

I guess it's because i wanted to see the good in him and think he would change. And no alcoholics never do. The sad part is 80 per cent of the time he was great. Loving, attentive, giving, treated my daughter like his own. Kids got on great so i kinda feel sad for her now. The rest he was an absolute bastard when drunk, i couldn't talk to him about it the next day because he would walk off and say " don't tell me how to suck eggs" i was under the crisis team at the start of lock down and due to covid 19 everything was put back. He uses my mental illness against me and belittles me when i take tablets for depression and other hereditary health conditions. And yet he drinks and smokes and thinks because he can control it he can't its ok because they aren't prescribed. He is more of a manic depressive than me. I offered to go with him to get help but he throws it back in my face. Trying to deal with my own issues without his nastiness. It makes me sad, angry and bitter how me and my daughter have been discarded like this

Did you live with him. Well done on getting rid of him, now you need to convince yourself he isn't your problem.

No i have never lived with him. Everything was always on his terms. Glad i never did 🙏 and thankyou means alot. Yes i do need to convince myself he is not my problem anymore but they make you believe that it was YOU who caused the problem/s in the first place. Traumatised me to be honest 😞

@AttilaTheMeerkat @Bananalanacake @MusicSchool