Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband sends illicit messages to another woman, do i forgive?

26 replies

Lost1984 · 27/07/2020 13:00

Hi, new here... on Friday I told my husband to leave. I found out that September to Nov last year, he was declaring his undying love and sexual desire to another woman. This was mainly through social media but he did stay over night in a hotel hoping for sex from this woman and also tried to arrange to meet up with her when I was away. We've been married for nearly 15yrs and have 2 teenage boys. We talked yesterday and he said that he has been suffering with with severe depression for the last 15 months and has always felt inferior, never felt wanted in our friendship circles more just tolerated. This woman took an interest in him and he felt wanted. I told him we are over and I want him out. He said he will become the best husband ever if I give him one more chance and has already reached out to get therapy for his demons that took him to the place that resulted in the messaging. I have to say that he has said that he didn't physically cheat (not that that makes much of a difference). He wants me and only me and regrets everything he done and I think i believe him.

I miss him, I want to forgive him but I don't know if I should? He has always had demons and I've spent years helping him with that but apparently there is stuff that happened that I don't about. Problem is, now he has lied to me once, I don't know if I believe his "new" demons.

I have told him that I need space, he has somewhere to stay for this week but after that is a problem.

Am I stupid to actually want to take him back?

Do I believe that he will actually get the professional help he needs and become a better husband and father?

I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2020 13:26

I wouldn't take him back if I were you
He's broken your trust. How would you ever believe anything he says agan?

Treacletoots · 27/07/2020 13:37

You're not stupid no. It's human nature to not disconnect totally from someone you love even if they treat us badly.

It isn't your best life though, looking forward. Once the trust has gone, and you realise that if he really genuinely cares about you, he wouldn't ever have considered what he did.

Treat yourself with kindness and don't accept being treated so poorly by someone who is supposed to love you. You know the answer is a clear LTB but you just need to get there in your own time once you've fully processed the betrayal.

LemmysAceCard · 27/07/2020 13:45

And where were his demons when he tried to get another women into bed? Now that you have found out his demons have just magically disappeared?

I call bullshit. And he is using his mental health as an excuse to get out of admitting he was wanting to cheat on him. If he goes to therapy and gets over his demons and problems, there will be a new set waiting round the corner, i guarantee it.

Bin him off, you can never trust him again.

RustyLeesBogBrush · 27/07/2020 13:55

It’s natural to feel lonely and want him back, you were together a long time. You need some more time to adjust to your new way of life. I was in long relationship before I met my husband and second guessed myself the whole time after I kicked my ex-fiancé out. It was very hard, but I stuck to my guns when he was turning up at my door begging and threatening to hurt himself. I can’t tell you how many times I have sat and thought how miserable my life would have been had I gave in to him. I would have been a shell of the person I am now and I would never have met my husband.

I wouldn’t take him back. He has broken your trust and if you give yourself more time to think about things you will realise if he really loved you the way you deserve he would never have done this to you. You can still forgive him as he is asking but that doesn’t mean you have to take him back and live with him. Imagine how hard your life will be trying to move on from this. Would you wonder about him constantly that he is going to do it again?

Lambster · 27/07/2020 13:55

Did he admit what he was up to or did you catch him out?

If it's the latter, then you know in your heart that you cannot ever trust this man.

Pebblexox · 27/07/2020 13:57

Absolutely not. Depression isn't a valid reason to attempt to cheat on your spouse.
You deserve so much better.

SoulofanAggron · 27/07/2020 13:58

I would end it.

Lots of people have MH problems and manage not to try and get off with other women when they're married. It'd be slightly different maybe if he had something like hypomania, but he isn't saying that. He was in control of his actions and decided to do this stuff, to the extent of going to a hotel etc. If they didn't have sex, it's not for want of trying on his part.

IMO he is using this 'demons' stuff as an excuse and to try and get you to let him off.

If he thought this was an ok thing to do, he will do it again. He justified it to himself.

Serendipity79 · 27/07/2020 14:03

I forgave my ex for doing similar. Two years later when he did it again I wasn't so forgiving.

My friend endured the same scenario and it was bizarre how the stories were so similar. "they never felt worthy of us, they had MH issues, both claimed their other women understood their MH issues and supported them through it - of course it wasn't about sex - these poor men simply couldn't help themselves, and it was down to us as wives to accept where we had gone wrong by driving them in to the arms of other women".

In my book there's no second chances once the trust has gone, and I wish I'd have walked away two years sooner and not given the chance for him to do it to me all over again.

Silkroad · 27/07/2020 14:07

It’s really too soon to be making any decisions about your future. It’s only been 3 days. Personally I think the person who has strayed should always leave the property to give space to the injured party and it should then be a period of reflection. It is ok to attempt to forgive if that is what you want but rushing into it after 3 days is wrong and you will regret that. If you brush something under a carpet, it doesn’t go away, it is just hidden and that’s not a long term solution.

SteelyPanther · 27/07/2020 14:57

Personally I wouldn’t take him back.
You’re lucky that he has gone and isn’t refusing to leave.

birdy124 · 30/07/2020 03:38

I took him back and he then went on to have another affair. He sounds like more trouble than he's worth. If you make enough money to support yourself I would kick him to the curb. Easier said than done tho

Boopthesnoot1 · 30/07/2020 05:18

MH issues is not a valid excuse to put your dick in another woman (or attempt). Manipulation is at work here "i'll be the best husband" "it wasn't my fault it was my MH". Everytime you let someone get away with this it breaks you down more. Dont give him the option to do this to you again, keep the power and kick him out for good. You may forgive him but you will never forget.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 30/07/2020 06:43

The “I’ll be the best husband” sounds like something a child would promise....

OP, don’t make any decisions right now. But as the dust settles, if you do keep thinking you want to give the marriage a chance, have marriage counseling first, preferably whilst you are living apart to start with.

As for a place to stay - that’s not your problems right not, it’s his.

And I have never yet said to LTB, but objectively reading his excuses for this behaviour seemed so hollow. You are worth more than that idiotic story. Whether you stay with him or not, it should be made clear that that is a pathetic excuse. As a grown man he has an obligation to attend to his own ‘demons’. An affair is never an excuse.

FaceOfASpink · 30/07/2020 06:46

IME no it's really not worth it. Save yourself years of suspicion and betrayal and keep him out.

SepticTankYank · 30/07/2020 06:52

What a fucking cliche. She made him feel wanted? He's suddenly going to develop the ability to be the best his band ever?

Sounds like something happened to stop them having sex and it wasn't his guilt or kind heart.

Get. Out. Now.

What you're feeling is perfectly normal and you're not stupid. You're head goes round in these circles and you face a multitude of emotions. None of this is your fault. You deserve better.

FlaskMaster · 30/07/2020 06:56

Come on, bollocks did he not cheat. They spent the night playing tiddlywinks in their hotel room did they?! You've made the right decision kicking him out, he's only sorry he got caught and he wants to stay for an easy life. He's a lazy selfish prick. His time for being a really good husband has been and gone and he failed massively. Fuck him off.

Standrewsschool · 30/07/2020 07:00

You are not stupid and only you can decide whether to end up taking him back or not.

However, my main concerns is whether I could trust him or not?

Opentooffers · 30/07/2020 07:23

Is the 15 month severe depression news to you? I kind of think that you would of noticed he had it, otherwise he's just looking for excuses and not accepting responsibility, which means he won't do the work to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Aussiebean · 30/07/2020 07:38

If he has reached out for therapy that is great. Now he can live somewhere else while he actually deals with those demons without you.

If you want to leave the door open that is up to you, but saying ‘oh I have a problem and I am looking for therapy’ is very different to actually doing it once they have gotten what they wanted.

sausagefest9 · 30/07/2020 07:46

Don't take him back.

People can be academy award winners with the performances they do to get their own way/what they want.

That's a lot of calculated deception. Plenty of time for him to realise that what he was doing was wrong and he didn't. Don't waste your time and unneeded stress on him.

rookiemere · 30/07/2020 07:47

Tell him to get therapy and work on himself whilst living somewhere other than the marital home. You'll be prepared to review the situation in six months.

FaceOfASpink · 30/07/2020 11:40

Ask to see proof of attendance at therapy sessions otherwise he could go to a few then spend the next 6 months pretending to go whilst stashing the cash away. Not even joking.

fflelp · 30/07/2020 12:25

No don't take him back.
I've been in this situation. The mental health demons are very often just an excuse. (Disclaimer as some of us got yelled at on another thread for being witches and being cruel about some poor bloke who was genuinely suffering from a mental health condition: I am not talking about people who have a diagnosed mental health problem and are willing to get treatment or this).
Did he mention his severe depression before he was found out about the messages? Because if he's had severe depression for 15 months he should have discussed this with you or gone to the GP for help.
He may be depressed but that does not mean that he needs to declare his undying love and desire for another woman, let alone go to a hotel in the hope of having sex with her.
If the woman had wanted to take things further he'd be having a full-blown affair now, demons or no demons.

From someone who has experienced similar, don't take him back. He'll be the best husband ever for several months until he sees someone else he fancies and then he'll do the same with her and he'll use the same excuse.

fflelp · 30/07/2020 12:28

BTW: the poor bloke I mention in my previous post, allegedly suffering from a mental health condition, didn't seem to be suffering from one, just pissing the OP about. Pretty much like this guy. Of course, we can't judge whether someone has a genuine problem from a couple of posts on Mumsnet, but we can still tell whether the person's behaviour is acceptable or not.
No one should be having to put up with shit like this.

firecracker69 · 30/07/2020 12:34

My ex used his supposed depression as an excuse to end our relationship when in fact he was cheating. I suffer from depression myself and so do a number of friends and family. This cut deep! I empathised with him immensely and didn't find out until very recently he had lied and was too weak and spineless to be honest with me. The man I thought I knew did not exist.

In my experience, the last thing you want to do when depression is bad is begin a new relationship with someone else. In fact, it's usually the opposite. People tend to retreat into themselves and cut off others. Libido suffers too, as does self esteem. It seems as if he's using mental health as an excuse, which is truly despicable and unforgivable, in my opinion.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread