Is this narcissism? Emotional abuse

[Leahm1713119]

hey sorry this may be long, but i just really need someone to talk to.
Ive been with my partner now about 15 months and its not been the easiest of relationships. Things started out amazing, i could fault him, he would initiate seeing me, would call me all the time, want to see me, would be considerate of me and what i wanted to do if seeing friends and things and if they fitted in with our plans, then bit by bit all that stopped.
Suddenly he wanted time to himself, he didn't want me coming to his flat or spending time with him and his children, but he was happy to come to my home and spend time with me and my children.
My eldest 2 boys father passed away in dec 2017, myself and their dad weren't together and hadn't been for years, but we were there with him when he died, the boys were actively involved with the whole process. my second son has really struggled with it and actually i then went on to separate from my husband in the february after their dad died so my second son felt like he lost 2 dads. Well my second son has had major problems dealing with everything and we are under specialist awaiting diagnosis or possible PTSD. But sons behaviour has been extreme, lying, stealing, running away, inappropriately using his phone and it has caused a massive strain on life in general.
At first my partner was very supportive of everything, but comments have been made, I've brought this all on my self. I had to put a lockable handle on my bedroom door to stop my son stealing things and partner hated it as felt like he couldn't relax and the place was like a prison. It would cause major rows and he would say horrible things to me, then would go days without talking to me til i was chasing him begging him to sort it out. Always seemed to be an issue, i was not interested in partner enough or then i was being too full on, nothing i done was right.
I lent Partner £1000 about 6 weeks ago, which is fine in itself as had previously lent him money, but no attempt at paying it back, 3 weeks ago we went a way for a weekend, but apparently i was in a mood and he slept on the spare bed all night and ignored me. I wasn't in a mood, i was so excited about going away, but i put too much pressure on it, my expectations were too high.
Well friday i asked him about repaying the money and he went absolutely mental at me, im making him feel like a criminal and how can i do that to him when i live with a thief anyway, he now feels really mugged off that he asked me for a favour and I've thrown it in his face. At the time i was actually in the hairdressers getting my hair done finally so at first i was saying i hadn't meant it like that, was just a general question but he just wouldn't stop so i told him to F* off and he went crazy, has ended it and has been sending me viles messages saying good luck with finding someone to take us on, who ever it will be will be no good if they can put up with my son and the way i handle him and how my mindset is, is completely crazy.
I know he isn't any good for me, but why do i feel so devastated, why am i beside myself and so heart broken.

You're heartbroken because your heart was already hurt after so much loss and trauma, not to mention trying to hold everything together for your DC and their grief. This is just the icing on top of your cake of sadness and pain.

Can you block his number from your phone? Even if it's a temporary block, it will stop this initial angry phase of him trying to pick a fight with you.

He is clearly a piece of shit; you see that, you feel that. Take some time to recover from this, focus on finding some stability and consistency and getting the right help for your DS. Do not listen to anyone who does you down in a situation like this - it is abuse. Do not repeat his words and tell yourself he's right - he wants your self-esteem at rock bottom so that he can crawl back in and crap all over you again. Don't let that happen.

@fudgebownie2019, Thank you so much for replying, think you are right, its been a pretty hard few years and although my original thread was long, there is still so much I've missed out.
Ive told him to leave me alone, that if his intention is to just be vile and hurt me he has so game over. Im just so drained :(

Hi Leah, I've split up with a man I've thought on as narcissistic ( I know people throw that word around a lot).

Your relationship sounds like mine. The love bombing at the beginning, the devaluation and control by making sure he was calling the shots.

By critisising your son so much he could have been trying to ruin your relationship and isolate you. Is there any other instances of that? Critisising family or friends?

Look up narcissistic rage, that's what happened when you asked for the money. It's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. I'm so sorry.

He is absolutely awful. You are not wrong to end this relationship.

@lochie662, thanks for replying.
yeah he started off being interested in my friends and would join me when i socialised, same with family. but that soon stopped, he hated my my friends and was very critical of them. never said anything bad about my family as such though, a few silly remarks but never anything cutting.
I think the things he has said about my son have put such a negative impact on mine and my sons relationship and has held it back, something i need to work on building up again.
Yes I've been looking into the lovebombing and it was 100%that at the beginning, he really painted himself as mr perfect.
Just feel fool at the moment.
How long have you been separated from your ex? were you together long?
Thanks again for your support.

I've been posting on another thread... "Struggling with getting over an narcissistic relationship." , (Although it's not my thread. )

You should read that, there are a few people in the same boat. I split initially last October but just went NC ten days ago. If he's a narcissist then he will get in touch with you " look up narcissistic hoovering".

Have you done a lot of reading? this type of relationship is beyond destructive and I can imagine you are really struggling just now.

We were together five years with a massive gap in the middle.

I have actually just been reading the other post, haven't got through it all yet, just listened to the song that Keira knightly was singing!
Hmmm struggling today, been fine at work all day and the moment I say in the car to come home the tears started!
Reading the other post I'm so shocked at how similar things are, and the more I read the more I'm reminded of things that have happened with me that actually at the time I didn't see it for what it was.
We were together 15 months, which isn't long in the grand scheme of things, but I was kept so separated from his life, never met any of his friends, started at the beginning spending time at his place and with his children, but that all stopped. He likes his own time with them. Sex was very intense. At the beginning he told me he didn't use social media and then I saw the few app on his phone and when I questioned him he responded that he just uses it for the marketplace, so he doesn't use it as it's designed too. Wouldn't have me as a friend on there, because it's for people that don't see each other and obviously we saw each other all the time. He hated having a picture taken with me. All his past relationships he has been cheated on, had things taken from him, lied to blah blah blah. Super secretive, he likes doing his own thing and if I questioned him about it too much he would get mad and the silent treatment follows!
Feel like an absolute fool, as I'm writing it all down and remembering more, just makes me angry that I allowed it. But I fee so lost.
Like most of you that have posted on the other thread, I feel like I need the answers from him, but if I try and talk to him it's just hurtful comments.
I'm going no contact, since yesterday evening. He was really nasty, told me that my expectations of a relationship are unrealistic and called my eldest two boys, horrible names and that he can't ever imagine me finding someone that would put up with my expectations and deal with those obnoxious "things" meaning my boys. That when I told him he had won, if destroying me was his plan he has done it and I won't take it anymore. I've heard nothing since.
Yet all I want is him....madness!
Thanks for replying, definitely need a friend who understands right now x

Absolute fucking bastard calling your son's "things." That says so much about him that he is able to do that.

God, if anybody ever called my son a thing I would want to kill him.

The real problem is that he isn't able to be the centre of your universe because of your sons. And he's so immature he is trying everything he can to get your attention.

I am so sorry for what happened when their father died and then losing their stepfather shortly afterwards. It sounds very difficult. Are they still in contact with him btw?

Your ex sounds even worse than mine in some ways. It is unbelievable how transparently awful they can be and we still tolerate and love them. It's just a twisted mess in the end.

I've been thinking how much I lost myself by the end. I did and said things that I'm not proud of. I'm just trying to hold on to the fact that I have always tried to do the right thing and the confusion was so destructive that I lost myself.

I'm telling you just now, you will hear from him again, so don't be surprised when it happens. He will probably be nice for a short while and then twist things around again. He absolutely doesn't want you to forget him.

If you want to hurt him, then the worst thing you can do when he contacts you is to completely ignore him. Don't respond at all. He would absolutely hate that.