DH is one of the 'good guys', so why am I so unhappy (and can it be salvaged)?

[shadowdiver]

Have name changed for this. Sorry this is so long...

DH and I have been together 20 years, married for 17, have 2 DC (7 & 5). DH is a lovely man. The opposite of a man child. He's kind, non confrontational, doesn't drink much, no offensive hobbies.

But I'm increasingly unhappy. We have been in a technically sexless marriage for many, many years. I came to accept this, but at the beginning I think I felt very rejected physically and it knocked my confidence sexually. I have basically stopped seeing myself as a sexual being. DH doesn't seem to have any sex drive (there's definitely no porn issues or infidelity or anything like that). We're both fit and healthy - so no physical issues.

But along with my physical needs not being recognised or respected, I've very recently realised DH is unable to meet any emotional needs. There have been several very significant times I've really been let down by him emotionally. He's not an unemotional person himself (he can and does cry and is open about his own feelings). But, gradually, over the years, I think I've come to subconsciously realise I'm not allowed to have either physical or emotional needs of my own. I think it's made me resentful and prone, at times, to be be critical of him. Increasingly we bicker over the little stuff. We don't seem to have any fun anymore.

So, we rub along. We have done for years. Every now and then though it all bubbles up and I have an 'I can't take this anymore'. We have a frank conversation about how I don't want this to be my/our life until we die. I suggest marriage therapy and/or that he has some therapy. He concurs. Then he doesn't do anything about it. This all came to a head again a few weeks ago. We once again agreed therapy would help us. Once again he's done nothing. And I'm feeling increasingly sad and despondent and I also feel like I'm losing all respect for him because he won't take the initiative to do anything about us or him. I fear I can see my marriage slipping through the cracks of my fingers before my eyes. But I don't want to leave him. He would be completely devastated. And I can't do it to the kids. Both DH and I come from 'broken homes' (that's probably part of the problem, neither of us has a model for a 'happy marriage') and we swore we'd never do that to our children.

I'm at a loss. Do I continue to suck up my own happiness, emotional and sexual fulfilment and accept that he and this is my lot? Looking back over the years, there's so much we've let slip or done wrong. Not addressing the sex issue earlier on being a major one. But also not making time for us as a couple when we had DC. Does anyone have any stories of rescuing a marriage like mine? Or is it beyond repair?

And that doesn't have to be manipulative - there's a huge difference between "if you don't sort therapy then I'll divorce you" and "I'm at breaking point and we BOTH need to invest in working to sort things out, because otherwise I can't see our marriage surviving".

I sympathise about the eating and drinking! My son refuses point blank to eat with his dad (my ex) because he says the sound makes him ill (I never noticed myself). I know that can be a massive sign that you despise everything about him, but it can also justbe a sensitivity where you just can't stand the sound. I do sympathise though. Sounds frustrating as hell!

Gosh op your post pretty much sums us up.

@shadowdiver I feel the same although he’s not the DC’s Dad which I’m theory should make it easier to leave but it’s not. No physical relationship unless I instigate which I’ve given up doing now after similar talks to yours. I set out my unhappiness and he agrees to try and we just continue on as before. We’ve moved into a kind of flat mate role but he’s one of the good guys (especially in comparison to cheating narcissistic ex) so it seems unfair to end it when I know he would be devastated. I keep telling myself a physical relationship isn’t the be all and end all but I can’t imagine this forever

Omg again this could be my marriage

I've been sat all day thinking I can't do this forever but I can't stop crying when I think about the kids not having their dad here when they wake up and go to bed

It sounds like you don't like or respect your husband. The only reason you can focus on the big stuff whether that's career ambition or moving is because he's taking care of the day to day stuff. Perhaps he'd like it if for once you could be relied upon to change the lightbulb

Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Low testosterone is incredibly common with men in their 40's. This happened with my DH. As soon as he started HRT his libido came roaring back.

It's a simple blood test but often not done routinely unless the patient complains about one of the symptoms.

Sorry to hear there are so many of us in the same boat :(

@MissConductUS - no I hadn’t thought of that. Will see if he’s willing to raise it with the GP

I honestly don't get the whole having parents living separately being such a bad thing.

My parents split when I was about 17- I wish they'd done it long, long before.

The thing is he's treating you appallingly badly and you're accepting it the bar is so low he's actually got no incentive to buck up and pull his weight. This is who you married therapy only allows people to change if they want to this man doesn't sound like he does.

Can you get to therapy by yourself do that for a bit let him stew in his own juice while you work out why you're prepared to accept so little for yourself

Apologies, OP i haven’t read the whole thread just your opening post. You do need to get him to therapy if you can. This was me for years, I literally could have written your post word for word. I Got so lonely I ended up having an affair and it (understandably) completely broke us. We are splittnig. It is breaking both our hearts. He regrets not listening and acting on it and addressing my needs, and I Bitterly regret the hurt I Caused him. I really hope you achieve a better outcome op. The alternative is heartbreaking.

So many people are so willing just to say leave, it’s already broken, no use trying it’s a dead marriage. Long term relationships and marriages aren’t easy. It’s not years of fun sex and frolics. It’s hard work at times to stay with the same person through thick and thin. Why do so many people promise to love one another until death do is part, then when the going gets tough just give up?
Not saying that’s you OP as you seem willing to try other options and change things. If I were you I would book that marriage therapy. Yes I know it’s always you instigating all the big changes. With women that is so often the way. Shouldn’t be, but it is. For whatever reason he is hesitating. Just book it. All these issues can be brought up with the therapist and the best bit IMO is that he will be asked these questions directly and will have to provide an answer. That alone will get him talking and thinking.
He sounds like a decent guy in many ways. You have just got stuck in a rut and settled into certain ways. If you still love one another and treat each other with kindness then see if you can change track and get the fun (And even some sex) back in your marriage.

Has he hinted or mentioned why he isn't interested in sex anymore?

Does he have other things to do besides watch the kids? Friends, hobbies.

It sounds like your DH is having a tough time (?depressed) and your expectations of leaning on him to meet all your needs (your support role, being a SAHD, emotional and sexual) is unrealistic and tbh unfair. It may be he is envious of you and your drive and cannot see how to get back on track himself. Does he have outside interests you can support him to pursue?

Maybe he could see a GP in first instance? I suspect joint counselling at this stage will do very little for his self-esteem and perhaps that's why he's reluctant to engage.

Like other on here, much of your OP chimes with me (STBXH and I have been separated for 3 years and divorce is pending).

Why would you not organise counselling? For yourself or both of you if he came along. Relationship counselling is not about 'fixing' a marriage or not, it is about given both parties an opportunity to clarify their own position and then to see whether enough joint will remains to stay together. Or not.

I don't think there is anything wrong with 'rubbing along together' however needs not being met is a whole other thing and will make you miserable in the longterm.

I ended a similar relationship- a partner with depression who could not meet anyone else's needs. Our relationship was sexless, and he also did not pull his weight with family/home life.

I had counselling in my own & it was really helpful.

Either way, things need to change for you, OP. But he might be happy just plodding on; hopefully counselling will change the dynamic.

I'm of the, 'mend it, don't end it' philosophy where possible and it sounds to me like there's a lot worth saving here. It's the classic stereotype that men don't like seeking help, but I think it's probably true more often than not. I think you ought to take the initiative with the counselling and get it booked in. It does sound like he's depressed- bereavement won't have helped, but being a stay at home parent isn't for everyone either. My mental health suffers massively when it's just me and the DC all day. Have you had an honest chat about how he's feeling about it? If he's really struggling (and it's often especially difficult for men to fly so very far in the face of the traditional expectations of masculinity that our society has), it may be worth putting the DC in nursery so he can get back out there, even if only part time.

Op, you sound very much like a friend of mine who is, I think, in a similar relationship. (I don't know anything about their sex life though, I hasten to add!)

She is an extremely intelligent, capable active person and he is lovely but passive. He's great with their three children but never makes decisions, leaves all the emotional heavy lifting to her.

She is getting more and more upset and he seems to be getting more and more anxious which makes it even more difficult for him to be decisive.

The thing is, while I understand where she is coming from she is such an incredibly driven person, such a perfectionist and so highly strung that it would be difficult for anyone to really step up and take control away from her.

She thinks she wants this; a strong person who takes on some of life's burdens. Actually she would probably never accept anyone else's way of doing things and it would never be good enough. If she was with someone equally as strong minded and proactive there would be constant fireworks! A passive, gentle person probably suits her better, she just can't see it.

Do you think this could be you, op?

I’m always interested in these kinds of threads, as i, too, feel very similar to this, and bounce backwards and forwards between feeling as though my marriage is broken and then wondering whether some of these very barren years are inevitable in a long relationship, especially when there are children involved.

I grimace a little bit at the people who come in stating baldly that you’re hypercritical, or that you look to him to fulfil all of your needs, or that your children are clearly unhappy and your house is full of resentment. How can you possibly know any of that? Every thread is a snapshot of a handful of pertinent issues and particular scenarios - you have no idea what their household or lives are like.

My marriage is sexless. I get so little from my husband that i sometimes truly wonder if he has any interior life at all. Does he think anything about anything AT ALL? If he does, i never get to hear about it. But despite that, we chat nonsense, laugh, dance, sing, cuddle our little girl, bring her up with affection and discussion, and have a happy household. None of it is about me, but we’ve been married for ten years and have a small child with special needs - so maybe it doesn’t get to be about me anymore.

I think there’s a certain species of men who do just settle into a staid, monotonous middle age. I’m gutted to have discovered that I’m married to one; there was no hint of that in the vivacious, affectionate 25 year old i married. But i don’t suppose i bear much relation to myself as a young, childless woman either.

@Spl0ink

As I'm the only poster that said the word hypercritical I take it you grimaced at my "bald" use of the word, lol. I said the OP was "coming across as hypercritical" because I believe that she was, and that that leads to an unhappy home. My opinion comes from experience and I am allowed to give it. I was trying to be genuinely helpful, not critical for no advantage.

I'm not going to get into a conversation with you because I think you come across as judgemental but if this thread made you grimace maybe Mumsnet not for you.

@shadowdiver

Sorry to hear there are so many of us in the same boat :(

@MissConductUS - no I hadn’t thought of that. Will see if he’s willing to raise it with the GP

Good, hopefully he will go. Low T has other symptoms, notably depression and irritability:

What you need to know about male hypogonadism

I noticed the "personality change" aspect of it first. I'm an HCP so suspected low T. Fortunately DH is quite sensible about going to the doctor when needed and got it checked and treated. He as 46 at the time. About a third of men have it by their mid-40's.

Good luck.

@Lochie662 Sorry - i probably shouldn’t have included examples from the thread. It wasn’t my intention to pick out individual posters and i hadn’t stopped to consider that using specific words does precisely that. All i meant by it was that it’s not possible to truly deduce what someone’s life is like from a brief description of it, in my opinion. It wasn’t specifically aimed at you.