31, newly single, gutted

[DundeeDiva]

Posting this more as a call of support to other women in my shoes rather than for replies but anything positive or constructive welcomed!

I'm 31 and became single 3 weeks ago after the end of a long-term LDR. We were meant to move in together this year but being hundreds of miles apart during lockdown was our undoing. I say it's lockdown - I also think deep down he got cold feet about relocating.

I feel so isolated from my friends for the first time ever. They're all coupled up in serious relationships or married, and I am so aware that I'm not even close anymore. I'm back in the dating pool again when I hoped I'd never have to be. They all have other priorities and I understand that.

It's different when you become single in your 20s because there's inevitably others in your circle that are too. I feel like life is so unfair and I shouldn't be having to do the dating app thing again and I don't want to be the one with the funny horror dating stories. I don't want to be on a conveyor belt of spending week nights in different bars with guys I find out I don't click with. I want to be in the "club" of happy settled people.

If you're reading this and thinking I'm Needy and can't be alone you're wrong. When you're in a LDR you get used to being apart from a partner but to have that whole relationship and everything I was building towards ripped away has left me feeling bereft.

I find it so strange to think he has no qualms about jumping back into the pool (his dating profile is already back up) and yet it fills me with dread.

I can't bear the thought of starting again and yet my ticking clock tells me I don't have the luxury of waiting.

If anyone has felt the same, post here and let me know what I'm feeling isn't unique!

I'm sure most of us have felt the gutted feeling and sense of loss after a breakup at one point or another. Hugs xxxxx

Hi op,

I turn 30 next week and my LDR with my fiancé fell apart at the start of lockdown for similar reasons: relocating jitters (it would have been me moving for him) and largely because we wanted different things.

My situation is different but I recognise myself in your description. I also didn’t want to bar crawl, serial date or give up the safety net of being coupled up thank you very much. The thought of ‘getting back out there’ literally filled me with dread and, like you, I also felt bereft.

However, it didn’t take me long to see the huge opportunity for freedom- for the first time in two years. I have been pursuing things that genuinely make me happy- exercise, reconnecting with (mostly single) friends, taking advantage of not commuting- and I’m genuinely in a better place. The heaviness of leaving a relationship that wasn’t right for me has paid dividends. I promise what you’re feeling now isn’t unusual and will get better with time and application.

The best advice I can give you is be selfish, enjoy doing things you might not have done had you still been in the LDR and reconnect with people on your level. It will fall into place.

You are younnnnng for all things ticking clock. A friend of mine had her first (much wanted) child in February- one month shy of her 40th birthday. So don’t despair :)

Oh, and I should mention I’ve been dating someone really fun since May!

Hi,

I became single after a long term relationship shortly after turning 30. I was devastated, thought we were all set for life. Didn't want to be single, wanted to be in the settled club.

Did a small amount of dating apps. Not much luck. Met someone who for various reasons a relationship looked unlikely.

I'm now 33 and we are living together, everything just fits and works, no drama we both know what we want, it's really lovely.

You certainly are not alone....people are buying houses, getting married, having kids a lot later in life now.

Take some time to yourself, do what makes you happy.

I desperately didn't want to be single in my 30s and I fought with everything I had not to be- turns out, it was great. Loved spending some time on my own which really makes any new relationships worthwhile because you are already happy!

Thank you ladies! Can't tell you how reassuring it is to read of others who've been here and felt this and come out the other side!

If feels much more reassuring to hear things will get better from people who've been there, instead of my (thankfully happily) married friends or family!! X

Most of my friends met their husbands on plenty of fish and match.com at your age.
You might want to re assess the sort of people you are attracting. When I was dumped at 29 my mum told me I had 2 weeks to get over it. She then signed me up to match. com within another month I met my husband. I learnt from my previous experiences.

1. Trust your gut
2. What types of men are you attracting and why?
3. Don’t allow people to give excuses. Men that really like a woman will try to correct their behaviour if you clearly explain how they have upset you and visa versa. I have family members who dated people on different continents for a couple of years and got married so a few hundred miles sounds like an excuse.
4. Re assess some of your criteria
5. Maximise your chances of meeting people through joining social clubs, online dating, going out socially.
6. Don’t give in too easily this will filter out some of the bad ones.
7. Lined up many dates so you aren’t so bothered if one doesn’t work out well, you will then be less likely to accept bad behaviour. I was going on 5 dates a week.
8. Learn about yourself what do you think your weaknesses are? how could you improve on them to attract the right sort of person. Some issues could go back to childhood.
9. Cut all contact with him, don’t look at pictures, texts. Being friends won’t help you out.

The book ‘Act like a lady think like a man’ did the rounds in my group. I also find Derek Jaxx on YouTube very informative but he is a bit American. Being dumped was the best thing that happened to me otherwise I would still be with a sociopath. You will feel upset for a while but try not to waste too much time crying over him and your lost dream because he isn’t spending this time thinking about you, My ex certainly didn’t and if I had sat at home for months feeling sorry for myself I wouldn’t have gone on meet my husband.

Hey sorry to hear. Isn't fun I know.
Im older than you but in the same position. Nice to read positive ends.. Just can't see that right now

Different situation entirely but I came out a ltr with 2 kids at 33, met someone new v quickly and at 35 had a surprise baby.
You never know what is round the corner. Life is like a big jigsaw all coming together.
Good things are coming your way

@Cherry2456 I love your post. I'm a huge fan of Derrick Jaxxn. Have you read his book? It's quite good. Lots of analogies. He has a way with words.

I haven’t read his book but have watched his YouTube clips which I have found very insightful. What I have noticed through observation of some people I know and have worked with is a pattern. Some women are really good and thoughtful end up being single after many relationship break ups why? They are too empathic might have low self esteem and lack boundaries so attract narcissistic men, they don’t have an innate understanding of different personality types, they put up with bad behaviour and some even like it, but generally it ends up in the same old car crash situations where their self esteem is eroded. Some of these woman were brought up with a narcissistic parent so this is all they know. There are also a sub set of very successful women who also blame themselves and think that they could have worked harder in the relationship, but they also allow men to get away with too much. The best thing you can do is understand your own personality and learn to decipher other people’s then make choices based on your gut which lets face it is a data base of past experiences stored in your brain. If you don’t quite trust your gut you could ask someone you trust who will be brutally honest with you and not just placate you. As for sitting and waiting for Prince Charming to fall into your lap it happens for some people but meeting the person who is right for you is has a probability attached to it so increase your chances by meeting more people. My friend kept on stating ‘if it happens it happens’ well it didn’t so she went online dating and it did happen.
Lastly don’t ignore red flags, cut them off if they
Treat people around them badly e.g waiting staff, friends, parents
They cancel dates at the last minute
They are regularly late
They get you to pay for everything/ the majority things on dates
They don’t have a job (don’t feel sorry for them)
If they talk about their ex being a psycho or their ex was out to get their money this is a big red flag (I have seen a fair few use this one they use it to justify their own behaviour)
If they talking about an ex cheating on them and being a psycho this also a bad sign.
If they want to see your Facebook or Instagram before you meet them.
If they want to know who your are going on dates with before you have met them.
If they won’t introduce you to their friends after a couple of weeks.
If they message you from thousands of miles away.
If they don’t message you for a couple of days.

If they don’t put much effort into dating you and expect you to come up with the ideas.
Long term they should like you more than you like them, men don’t like women that run around them so don’t.

Hi OP, I'm 32 and in the same position as you. Try not to panic, you're not alone. I've decided to take a break from OLD and focus on myself as it was draining/getting me down and I don't think I'd attract a good quality partner if I'm radiating negative energy. I would really recommend mentally preparing for dating again as it's quite a shock to the system if you've been out of the game for a while. I would also recommend reading the book 'Attachment,' its really opened my eyes to my relationship style and where I've gone wrong in the past. I think ultimately it's good to focus on becoming someone you would want to date and not letting the ticking clock pressure you into settling. Easier said than done I know!