Should I ask this friend if she is angry at me or just let the friendship fade away?

[Gail2334]

I have a friend, at the beginning of the year I would have said that we were close friends but now I'm not really sure if we are friends at all. During lockdown friend has been quite hard work, and the friendship has felt pretty one-sided. There have been a few times when I've messaged her and got one word answers back (whereas in the past she would send almost overwhelming strings of text messages about what she had been up to), or I've suggested catching up and then had to put in all the work to make the catch up happen.

When lockdown started to ease a bit more. things seemed to go back to normal between us for a few weeks, with her inviting me to meet up and the friendship felt more equal. Now, we are back to me doing all the work again. I messaged her to try to and arrange a catch up in the middle of last week, and since then all I've got back are unhelpful 2 or 3 word responses. I've asked her if she's ok and she says yes. I'm tempted to message her to ask if she's pissed off with me about something, she has form for taking a grudge against people for quite trivial reasons. but I'm also tempted to just not bother contacting her ever again. It seems sad to let the friendship go because we were (I thought) such good friends before, but every time I get back a short reply it knocks my self-esteem.

I just posted my own thread about friendships going astray in lockdown, so maybe we can discuss.

I feel some of my friends have complete gone, other new ones arriving perhaps.

In your situation do you ever phone your friend rather than text? Maybe you need to chat a bit.

Did you used to meet with kids or just as adults?

No harm in asking her what her problem is? If you've lost the friendship anyway?

I would ask her; you never know what is going on in people’s lives

You sound lovely but this friendship might be too important to you.

Rather than ditching the friendship or asking her about it, just leave the friendship to float. Answer her when she calls and be friendly/text back. But, just chill and don’t expect anything of the friendship for say 12 months. Then decide how you feel.

It’s strange times. Just allow this friendship to move into a lower gear.

I’ve had similar, someone who I thought I was quite close with, nothing through lockdown and I now realise that actually I was a convenient friendship.

I’ve tried chatting, wattsapp, offering meet ups and not much back in return.

During this time I have found I have become closer to other friends, so swings and roundabouts...

I think lockdown has been really strange for lots of people, and that is naturally going to feed through to relationships.

Some friendships have remained chatty and normal and others haven't. That may mean the end of the friendship or it may just be a temporary drift. It's harder than ever to figure out what is going on in people's lives.

Friendships should be give and take even though normal times. If you are having to do the running, leave it for a bit, see what happens and focus on the friendships where you do get something back.

That is what I am doing, anyway!

Tricky one. My advice to you would be to stop texting her completely. Leave it for a long time to see if she initiated contact.

If she doesn’t, I’d pick up the phone and have a chat. The last thing you need is to wait ages only to get more cursory texts.

People are odd! I have a friend who doesn’t always reply to texts & makes very little effort. Then when I see her, she is all over it — seems to simply love my company! I don’t get her tbh but I just settle for what it is. In fact, a certain amount of settling seems to be the key to making most friendships work. Whenever I expect the same level of conscientiousness back, I seem to lose the friend! Many many People seem to just be focused on themselves-sad thing to realise but often true.

Reading this I think you need to step back and may I suggest it isn't you. I suspect your friend is struggling mentally, she may have anxiety or be really depressed.
I know it's hard but try to not make it about you.
Sure ask her if she's ok but don't include 'is it me' or 'why are you angry with me' etc
Just ask her what is going on. She may say it's you then fair enough but actually it sounds like she's mentally not great.

She may just have cooled off from wanting to be friends with you. It happens. Just let her be, don't project anything about how she is struggling as you will then continue to message her when she clearly doesn't want that. Just step away.

@SevernJuly

Reading this I think you need to step back and may I suggest it isn't you. I suspect your friend is struggling mentally, she may have anxiety or be really depressed. I know it's hard but try to not make it about you. Sure ask her if she's ok but don't include 'is it me' or 'why are you angry with me' etc Just ask her what is going on. She may say it's you then fair enough but actually it sounds like she's mentally not great.

I agree with this. It sounds like she's stressed and overwhelmed and doesn't have the mental energy to put into your friendship right now. Give her some space and maybe just send something like 'thinking about you' rather than trying to engage her in conversation about how she is.