Having feelings for two men

[Chasinggold]

I know I am probably going to get a bit of a roasting but here goes...

So, I'm single, 36 and have 2dc from a previous relationship. About a year and a half ago I had a fling with a married man I worked with... it's been on and off since then ( nothing physical only messaging) but I have very strong feelings for him and the chemistry between us is incredibly intense. I have literally never felt anything like it. When our eyes meet across the office at work it's like fireworks and I know he feels it too. But he is a fair bit younger than me and as much as I would give anything to be with him I know just how much of a mess that reality would actually be.

So, in order to try and get over him I have been on a couple of dates with a man who I actually know from years ago. He is sooo lovely, the nicest most decent, honest and thoughtful man you could meet. He seems to be very interested in me and I would definitely like to see more of him, he is an attractive man and would like to explore where things could go as I feel he could make me happy.

But, I'm worried that my feelings for the man I work with won't actually go away and if he texts me, I won't be able to resist texting back and saying and thinking things that I shouldn't. I fear I will always have feelings for him which wouldn't be fair on the man I am seeing. How do I resist temptation when I have strong feelings? Is it possible? Maybe I shouldn't even try. I am just so confused!

Don't be texting married men.
In reality, you slept with this guy a few times, you met randomly and he kissed you, all very exciting because it's verboten, but now you've got "feelings" for him.
I think you both need to grow up. You sound like you are making excuses. What is there to be confused about? He is married, and so is not in a position to have a relationship with you.
Stop texting him, and look for another job.

Yes married men who want to fuck a bit of strange will shower women with attention.

Have you thought about choosing neither and just having some time for you? To think about what you want from your life? You don’t always have to pick a guy and being single can give you some perspective on what you want from life. The married man isn’t an option, you should close that chapter and just move on. Really think about his wife, how you would feel if this was happening to you and also how will you feel when it comes out at work? Also surely you want more than to be someone’s bit on the side?

I understand it may be tempting with your old friend too, particularly as he seems so nice but really think about if you would be interested in him if you weren’t just looking for someone to distract you from the married man. If you’re just seeing him to help get over the married guy then sorry but that isn’t fair on him and maybe you should think about being single for a while and taking time to think about what you really want from life.

Honestly, and I mean this with respect, I would hope that at 36 you'd realise that the 'bad boy' is the worst possible option for a partner. You could start a poll for how many women are still in a monogamous relationship with their bad boy. Or then again, if monogamy isn't your thing, then I can't blame you for pursuing it.

Or then again, if monogamy isn't your thing, then I can't blame you for pursuing it

I wonder what 'bad boy's wife's views on monogamy are?

In my experience ‘bad boys’ can be fun for a week or two but always end up messing you around! People seem to think there is something boring with a kind, funny, caring, loyal and dependable man but they are the ones who show up be there for you, who wouldn’t want that?!

Why does his (married man) attention feel good? He's only after sex. How is that good in the long run?
Look how he treats his wife. His can you respect or even fancy a man like that??

I really think OP is being love bombed. I wish there was a pamphlet available for how to understand being in an adulterous relationship. To me this just seems so textbook, and it's irritating knowing that OP won't be able to let go of the idea of this man until he completely crushes her. Why does it always have to go like that?

"I had recently split from a ltr with a man who hadn't showed me any attention for years. Married man came along and showered me with attention and for the first time in absolutely ages I felt attractive and desirable."

Yes, but he's someone else's husband. It's just not okay.

Well youre a peach going after a married man do you consider his wife and dc in all of this. Shameful behaviour especially as you've got kids yourself. Imagine if this was to implode.

Well the first guy is an asshole. That spark btw, is probably just because he is a narcissist. They often bring this intense chemistry with them. We mistake it for chemistry anyway...actually it's just they are a hungry shark, looking at their dinner.

He cheats on his wife. He isnt a nice person. Would you actually want something longterm with someone who is not a nice person? If he can be that vile to his wife, who he swore to love, he can do it to you too.

My advice? Stay single op. You don't sound ready for a serious relationship.

@Chasinggold please please end things with Mr. Married, and quickly. Not for him or for even for his wife, it's easy to feel like you shouldn't have to care about the feelings of somebody you don't know. But you have no idea how rotten you'll end up feeling. Do you have any DDs? Seriously, how would you react if you were informed by your devastated daughter that her husband had been shagging some random woman behind her back? Don't ever make the mistake of saying 'he'd be cheating anyway if it wasn't with me', because right now you feel like he's realised 'you're the one'. You're not his 'one'. He's talking bullshit to get himself laid more often than just at home.

@Chasinggold

Mr single is so lovely and he is very sweet and very keen on me!! But it's like all the niceness isn't exciting in a way... like it's too easy.

Married man is exciting, a bad boy who keeps me on my toes... one minute he'll be texting me, then the next he isn't. It's the highs and lows... it's like an addiction, an obsession I have with him. I get so worried he will just cut me off like he has done in the past even though so far he always comes back. He is all over the place... takes on too much, can't keep still. I am actually obsessed with him.... help!!!

You're a grown woman, stop making this a one versus the other situation. Neither is right for you or you wouldn't be ruminating over it so much. Being single is a perfectly valid option over being with either of them when neither fulfils your needs entirely. Married man is making a fool of you in a way, he gets what he wants from you the way he wants it, all on his terms, behind closed doors. That isn't a special bond or a great connection. It's just a dickhead bloke and a naive woman who is also (sorry but tough love) being a bit of a dickhead by buying into the whole thing and being complicit in his horrible behaviour. Raise your bar, for men in general and for yourself.

There's no way it will work out with the second man when you're still obsessed with the first guy so don't pursue it because you'll just be using him as a distraction.

You said if the married man texts you won't be able to resist texting back. You won't leave your job....but surely the least you could do if you really wanted it to be over would be to block him so that he can't text you.

Office guy is a fantasy you keep dragging yourself back into. He's clearly not invested in you above an illicit shag or he'd have left his wife at the time. You may feel it's a rush, exciting, and electric?... I can bet my bottom dollar he feels you're someone to keep on the back burner in case he wants an easy fuck again in the future. Mr New guy doesn't have any of the complications of Mr affair buddy, and you can date with your head held high.

OP, married man is being charming and attentive because he wants sex with you. He can say anything and everything because he will never have to carry it out. He's cheating on his wife. I know the push and pull is exciting but really it is based on nothing. Plus he's a selfish wanker. Not just cheating on his wife but making sure you dont move on from him by giving you a crumb every now and again.

So that's at least 2 women whose feelings he doesn't care about. His wife and you. Would you do that? Cheat on your partner and play with someone else's feelings? Because I wouldn't.

As for the new guy. Date and get to know him better. If there is something there it will develop and if not, move on.

Why did married man not leave his wife?

Why did married man not leave his wife?

Pooh, can I answer this one; cause to him op's just an up for it, (initially), easy to get, low self esteem, fun older woman - and she's given him a bit more of a challenge by stopping the sex after the initial period - but ultimately is just a bit on the side from his main relationship, which he'll bad mouth if necessary but is probably relatively fine. He just wants some strange. He'd act like that in any relationship because he likes variety, some on the side and has no integrity.

He thinks op is happy with that because she has accepted it.

That was meant to be Ooh, not Pooh

And if op thinks he hasn't done it before (in some relationship, of not his marriage) and wouldn't do it again - she's in cloud cuckoo land.

Op there's an excuse for this level of sillyness when were in our teens, twenties maybe. But by late 30s we really should be wising up and not talking about bad boys, and their push-pull, inconsistent behaviour being exciting etc.

Watch some PUA stuff on YouTube or read about it, those guys have all those dynamics down pat and just purposefully do what players do naturally. They're hot, cold etc because they don't care, are distracted and often have other fish to fry.

Time to grow up and wise up, whether you get with the other guy or not.