Not a troll, not new but new name. Have posted an amount previously but not for some time.
I need to end my marriage. Maybe I just need somewhere to get it all out.
We've been together 20 years and it's not all been easy but over the last few it's been worse. Definitely over the last 6 months or so it's been increasingly difficult. We were both relatively young when we met, me slightly more so, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or where I wanted to be, shitty role models for parents so no good relationship to learn from (but i didn't know that at the time).
Over time I've become more my own person and my husband doesn't like that. He had a crap upbringing, can't deny that at all. He's very insecure and needs me to constantly prove myself. Prove that I love him, prove I care, prove I'll do whatever he wants, prove I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be.
Whereas it's fine for him to go out to his friends every week, afterall, he did that when I met him, in fact he was living with them at the time. It's fine for him to insult my intelligence because sometimes I'm quite forgetful (I am but still), for example, a friend was dropping something off to me so I said I'd take the dog out to meet them as they haven't met. He says "just be careful, make sure you don't lose him". I take the dog out all the time and bring him back, every time! I said I thought that was an odd thing to say, why would I lose him?? He said I don't normally go out with him to meet people and might get distracted. What?? I take the dog on group walks as he well knows, what was the need to say that? Just a small sly dig for nothing. Like I'll see my friend and lose all consciousness of having the dog with me?!
Or the other day he said "I bought lunch for everyone, including you" I said "that's weird, why would you say it like that, does everyone not include me?" and laughed to keep it lighthearted. He said he didn't say it weird and he's just not gonna talk to me then if I'm gonna keep saying that (he's said other odd things that I've asked why he said them that way).
Sometimes he'll ask "did you go to work today?"/or "you going to work today?" referring to what I'm wearing, and it'll either be because he thinks it's too casual or too dressed up so wants to check I'm actually going to work.
If I want to go out he expects me to plan in advance and let him know like a week before. Where, when, with who, why, what time I'll be back. I've been out 4 times I think in the last 12 months and two of them he turned up at, despite telling me I can't go out the same night as him because one of us needs to be home with the kids (mid/late teens). I've been invited out many times as a group with work but decline because it's not worth the hassle, then he says well it's my own fault I don't go, I just need to tell him stuff.
A colleague (female, I talk about her all the time, he's seen her) asked me to come out for a coffee the other week, on the same day. I thought you know what it's only coffee down the road, how big a deal can that be. So I said "Spohie" asked me to come for a coffee and I'm gonna go. In about half hr or so. He says that's fine. He wants to know wht coffee shop, where are we gonna sit because most places didn't have seating out. If we take coffee to a park which one will it be... anyway i answer everything and go.
While there he says he left something at a friends the other day and is gonna go pick it up. It dawns on me after that he'll be coming our way. I don't have an issue with that as I'm doing nothing wrong but of course it's annoying - was it true he left something, I don't know, weird coincidence if he did. Get a message at one point commenting on something where we were. I'm looking around, don't see him anywhere at all but clearly he'd seen us. When I asked later he said he'd passed but messaged me after he'd already gone by, he didn't want to disturb me as I'll think he's checking up on me. Next day he seems annoyed with me, and mentions when i said i was going for a coffee he didn't think it would be 3 or 4 hours (it was 3). I said well I had two, and hadn't really put a timer on it we were having a good natter. He says "A coffee is ONE coffee. If you said a few coffees that would've made more sense. You said you were going out for A coffee". I'm like, if you say you're going out for A drink that doesn't mean one does it? Why is this different. He says it's different because it's coffee but actually, I think it's different because it's me.
Every few months or weeks we have to have some big discussion where he tells me all the things I've done wrong (not telling him I was changing a small section of the colour in my hair before I did it, not sharing things with him, not telling him I deactivated my facebook account, not telling him he looks nice often enough, not asking him for things sexually that he wants me to ask for, not listening (I'm actually quite forgetful, it's not a case of not listening - hardly something I enjoy being moaned at for so wouldn't do it on purpose), not calling on my work breaks to say hello, not telling him everything that happens in my work day and who I'm speaking to. The list goes on and things get added. Mostly it's sex stuff. I've tried explaining I'll do pretty much whatever you want, if you ask me, I'll give it a go. But I'm not asking for it off my own back because I don't want to. But apparently I should because that's what would make HIM happy.
I'm always wrong, no matter the situation. If I did something wrong, in wrong. If I reacted mean to something he did wrong, I'm wrong. If I guess at something (who will be somewhere, how much something costs, when something was done) and turn out to be wrong that means I lied.
I'm not saying I've never been in the wrong, but I'm not ALWAYS wrong. And when I do feel I am or even if I can see it might look like I am, I'll apologise. I don't have an issue with that at all. I like to keep the peace, I like to be chilled, I don't let stupid things annoy me. You made a mistake but you nobody got hurt? Ok that's fine, tomorrow's a new day, try not to do it again. I'm a bit of a mug.
He can't seem to grasp that when someone feels like they're constantly watched or monitored or berated, they might not always feel like being loving or smiley or sharing. But I try my best despite that in order to not have conflict. It would still be my fault for not making the effort. I just feel exhausted. I don't want to do this anymore. I love him, I always will but this isn't working. He says he's depressed and upset and it's because of me (for the reasons above) but he doesn't have a steady job by any means, isn't looking for one, smokes way too much weed (which he knows I don't have an issue with in general, I know some of you will - don't come for me - but I do detest the cost and what it takes away from our ability to save or go on holiday or just do nice things in general). But he smoked when I met him, so that's fine obviously, because i already knew that.
He'll even ask who I've been messaging on whatsapp because it tells you when that person was last seen, I'll tell him, then he'll ask "anyone else?"! If my phone beeps and i show him what it because it's a funny pic or something he'll say "i didn't ask you to prove it" but that's not the point. He makes me feel like I need to. He's one of those 'moan or insinuate but don't actually fact check because when you're found to be wrong you won't want to apologise and you'll have nothing to hold over me' people. I've thought about taking the last seen thing off of it but he'll just tell me that looks dodgy when really I just don't want to feel spied on. I had to move the app to different screen on my phone so I wouldn't accidentally open it trying to press something else, as then it would show I'd been "active" even if I hadn't meant to be, and then it looked like I'd deleted stuff when I hadn't.
In truth he's always been this way but it's creeped up a notch. I did cheat, met one time with someone I'd been speaking to for a couple of months. I don't do excuses, I was wrong. But I did let myself get swept up in being a bit happy someone was being nice to me, when at home I was berated, had things thrown at me, lied to (he did see someone but because he wouldn't admit it I couldn't prove it, though I'd seen texts), told I was mental and needed help, told i was a shit mum etc and I was depressed and lonely and not allowed to join any social media. That was over 15 years ago. And I'm still punished for it today. That day he found out he punched me in the face, backhanded me, took me phone, my keys, my child, locked me in the flat and told me if i left it was over. He went to my parents to tell them what I'd done and what a nasty person i was. He told them hed hit me. They sided with him. I should have left there and then but when you don't even have parents who are even pissed off you've been punched, what are you supposed to do? I was barely 20 and had no idea and clearly no support.
All the things he did back then, I don't bring up, I don't moan about, I don't make him feel bad for.
I'm going to tell him today (if I don't bottle it) that I don't want to do this anymore. We need to separate. It's "big chat" time again where everything is my fault so no better time. We both deserve to be happy if nothing else and clearly neither of us is. I also fear for my kids. I've failed them so far letting them grow up in a home with a shitty relationship though I've tried my best to shield them they're not stupid. My son doesn't get on with his dad at all, sadly we've spoken about it many times and so I think he'll be just fine with it.
Actually two weeks ago something clicked and I knew there was no going back. I can't remember what it was but clearly I'd said something which annoyed my husband. So he was making a sandwich and banging about and because we'd already been arguing or sniping for days (well, him sniping, me saying sorry) I was already tearful. So I started crying. I heard my son was coming in so I just put my head down like i was looking at something, thinking he'll come in and get whatever and go as usual. He got a drink, drank it. Got another one. Got some toast, ate it. I didn't want him to see me upset so eventually I carefully left the room without him seeing my face. I heard them arguing and my son ran off up to his room.
I went to see him and he said "suppose you've come to have a go at me?" And i said no, of course not why would i you haven't done anything. He said he'd told his dad he'd stayed in there so he wouldn't shout or argue with me. his dad had told him it was his fault i was upset and left the room. I reassured him it was far from his fault and that I only left because I didn't want him to see me upset. And that while i appreciated he thought to do that, he shouldn't have to and i would prefer he didn't. And hat i was sorry, obviously.
I then asked my husband what was said and he said pretty much the same but added "I told him sometimes parents argue and it's none of his business". Clearly I made a face at that and he asked "what? Was I wrong?" And I said yes to a point he was wrong. Because as much as I hate that my son tried to get in the middle I'm actually proud that he felt compelled to do so in order to protect me.
So anyway, there's so much more, I'm not perfect but I don't want to live like this anymore. If you've read all this thank you, if you have any words of wisdom, thank you. I'm waiting for him to actually get up out of bed so I can start this. It won't be pleasant, I know it won't, but I'm certain it needs to be done.