How to leave

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

I have a post in AIBU about DP buying a house I don't want to live in.

The posters on there were great, helped me see that he's a bit abusive and that I need to get him out.

I just don't know how. He's being lovely currently, I'm terrified of the confrontation etc.

I thought about a letter but I can't control when he will read it so will be on tenterhooks waiting for the fallout.

Just lumping you need to leave into a convo seems overwhelming. Would be a lot easier if he was kicking off about something.

Anyone been in a similar position with any wise words?

Yup, here with you. I want to leave but am struggling so much to start the conversation. As you say, suddenly lumping it into a general convo.....just how?? We never fight so no chance of him kicking off and being able to tag it on there. Sorry no help but you're not alone.

I haven't read your other post OP, why are you terrified?

Go with the letter. Hand it to him directly and then go out for a few hours. Your phone will soon be ringing.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3976088-dp-has-bought-a-house-i-don-t-want-to-live-in

Here's my original thread which should explain the fear etc.

It says you're terrified of confrontation because of an abusive ex. Sounds like you may have unresolved PTSD and are triggered at the thought of an argument that may become violent.

Your ex has railroaded you into moving to house and an area you don't want to move to. I would find that unforgiveable, by wanting him out do you mean you are going to ask him to leave the family home?

If he's on the tenancy/mortgage then you can't do that as he has a legal right to be there. Have you had legal advice or sought any other form of support?

He's not named on the tenancy but he pays the rent. Well transfers it to me and I then pay it to landlord.

And yes I want him to leave.

Can you plan what you want to say, then have someone else there for support for when you say it? You can practise the conversation first with the other person so you are prepared.

If you suffer from anxiety or panic, perhaps make a GP appointment and ask for Beta Blockers which have help with anxiety.

The anxiety is only over him. In the past he's put his fist through walls, broke locks on doors etc.

Having someone else there is a good idea in theory but having to see him at all after that could go either way.

OP I'm sorry I misunderstood. I thought from your linked post that your ex partner had been abusive and aggressive towards you, not your current partner.

This is a very different story.

Is there a history with the police? Have neighbours or yourself called the police during one of his rages?

Usually with someone like this, you look for an Occupation Order which is an injunction that keeps him away from the family home. The problem is, if there's no evidence of violence or aggression and no evidence, it may prove difficult to get one.

All I can suggest is if you ask him to leave and have someone there while he packs or tell him you'll pack up his stuff and send it to his forwarding address. Have a suitcase ready for the conversation. If he kicks off then dial 999 and wait for the police. They will escort him off the premises and an injunction would be easer to obtain.

I would dial 101 first so that they will be first able to advise and second, they can note your number and will be prepared for a domestic.

Keep any conversation you have away from the kitchen.

Is there someone you can ask, preferably male, who can assist?

Speak to rights of women see if you have enough evidence etc to get a non molestation order against him.

It sounds like you need to tell him and get the locks changed.

If you tell him and he won't leave you can call the police, certainly if he kicks off you can. He knows you aren't happy!!

I would pack up his stuff whilst he's at work. Have someone with you when he gets home. Have the DC elsewhere and tell him he needs to leave there and then with all his day to day stuff. Then locks changed even if he willingly hands keys over.

I'm not sure OP needs an occupation order because she is the lead tenant but you definitely should check this out with shelter and right of women. If you get an occupation get it served at work and then you don't actually need to tell him?

He's been working from home since lockdown so he's always here.

How do you suggest going about this OP? You must have given it some thought. Your linked post advised you to contact Women's Aid, did you get advice?

I haven't had a chance to get away from him to call them but I'm going to tomorrow morning when I go to the post office.

I have no clue how to go about it. If he kicks off I can say you need to leave, have grounds to call the police etc but when it's calm there's no way to drop it in.

I guess get the occupation order served on him at home would do it...

These places usually have on line chat? You could use that whilst he is actively working?

OP do you have a male relative or friend who can assist you?

I would go for a walk and dial 101, explain the situation to them and ask for advice on how to get him to leave. Explain that you're worried he will harm you or the children. They will hopefully assist.

You can also call the National Helpline: 0808 2000 247 It's a 24 hr number but is difficult to get through.

I would call the police.

Injunctions don't get handed out like confetti, you need evidence and it needs to be recent. I can only assume that there is no police involvement so it will be difficult to get one.

Thank you all.

No police involvement. Neighbours have never said anything.

It's been very tense today so think he might broach the moving topic tonight and I can hopefully woman up and tell him I'm not going and he needs to leave

I was eating my dinner and it had been running round and round my head for weeks “I can’t do this anymore!” We were sat at the table talking about banal stuff and it just popped out...

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be married. I need you to leave.

Luckily he just looked she’ll shocked and upset and walked out. It shouldn’t have been a surprise as we were both miserable.

What I’m saying is - find a way before it escapes unexpectedly. Tell him you need to talk. If you are worried about him being aggressive ask a friend to be with you. Suggest he goes to a friend / family for a week or two whilst he looks for something permanent and once you’ve taken the plunge do not change your mind!

@Home42 it's on the tip of my tongue to just say "it's over"

Him getting his stuff gone will be interesting. He bought 99% of the furniture, there's motorbikes, huge tool boxes etc.

Update. Kinda.

I've drafted a letter. Kids are with my MIL Tuesday so once they've been picked up I'm going to give him the letter then go out for a walk.

I'm going to call 101 tomorrow to give them a heads up about the situation as well.