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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I have your thoughts?

18 replies

Confusedaseverandaday · 26/07/2020 12:35

If someone is in an abusive relationship: she won't let him see friends, see his family, is negative and shouty towards him, insults his looks, threatens to cut or kill herself if he leaves - and then she discovers he has become friendly with someone without her knowledge, possibly had an emotional affair, is it then ok for her to escalate things? So the woman concerned now has control of his phone and all email and social media accounts, including work related ones. Is this ok, as he has effectively cheated on her, or can he be excused cheating on her in the circumstances he was in? And what would you advise him to do?
He is an acquaintance of mine. I dont really know her. He doesnt talk to anyone else now, including the woman he was close to. I believe him about the abuse.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 26/07/2020 12:38

can he be excused cheating on her in the circumstances he was in?

Not really.

And what would you advise him to do?

Find a way to separate from her.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 26/07/2020 12:39

You'll get the same answer from everyone here. He needs to leave. This isn't normal or acceptable behaviour in a relationship

namechange12a · 26/07/2020 12:52

No it's not okay for her to escalate things. He needs to contact a domestic abuse organisation and get help and support. The other woman needs to be careful as well in case she becomes a target because she sounds very unstable.

category12 · 26/07/2020 12:58

Of course it's not OK.

Signpost him to www.mankind.org.uk/ and support him to leave if he is ready to.

MikeUniformMike · 26/07/2020 13:03

If someone is in an abusive relationship: she won't let him see friends, see his family, is negative and shouty towards him, insults his looks, threatens to cut or kill herself if he leaves
If this is true, he needs to leave.

and then she discovers he has become friendly with someone without her knowledge, possibly had an emotional affair, is it then ok for her to escalate things?
No.He needs to end the relationship.

the woman concerned now has control of his phone and all email and social media accounts, including work related ones. Is this ok,
No

as he has effectively cheated on her, or can he be excused cheating on her in the circumstances he was in?
Yes, he has cheated.

And what would you advise him to do?
He needs to end the relationship.

He is an acquaintance of mine. I dont really know her. He doesnt talk to anyone else now, including the woman he was close to. I believe him about the abuse.
Are you the emotional affair partner? If so, leave well alone.
If he is a friend/acquaintance I's give him a link or number for a DV support orgainisation.

Angrymum22 · 26/07/2020 13:19

Either he is lying to the OW in order to end things without her escalating things or he needs to leave an abusive relationship.
If the OW has become too invested I suspect the first.

Msonamission · 26/07/2020 13:19

How do you know these details if you're an acquaintance? Confused

Msonamission · 26/07/2020 13:28

@Confusedaseverandaday

If someone is in an abusive relationship: she won't let him see friends, see his family, is negative and shouty towards him, insults his looks, threatens to cut or kill herself if he leaves - and then she discovers he has become friendly with someone without her knowledge, possibly had an emotional affair, is it then ok for her to escalate things? So the woman concerned now has control of his phone and all email and social media accounts, including work related ones. Is this ok, as he has effectively cheated on her, or can he be excused cheating on her in the circumstances he was in? And what would you advise him to do? He is an acquaintance of mine. I dont really know her. He doesnt talk to anyone else now, including the woman he was close to. I believe him about the abuse.
As someone who has experience of the 'spin' men put on a situation when they are caught cheating, I'm just going to throw this out here as an alternative scenario: His partner has caught him cheating and he's come up with BS to mitigate any blame outsiders/his family might place on him. Perhaps the reason his partner has control of his devices, etc. is simply because they've had a trusting relationship in the past where they share passwords, etc., and he's been foolish enough not to think about covering his tracks.
Original poster
Confusedaseverandaday · 26/07/2020 13:29

Msonamission - I am very much older than him and I suspect he has no one else to talk to. Work is the only time he is away from her.

OP posts:
Msonamission · 26/07/2020 13:33

@Confusedaseverandaday

Msonamission - I am very much older than him and I suspect he has no one else to talk to. Work is the only time he is away from her.
How did he carry on an emotional affair if he is always with his partner? Soz if that sounds like I'm interrogating you, Smile
Angrymum22 · 26/07/2020 13:40

You say he is not talking to anyone, is this in real life or just not communicating on social media? All a bit Stephen King “Misery”.
It most definitely is abuse if she has stopped him talking to anyone. I’m not sure about social media. It may be that he has filtered your friend so she can’t see that he is still active.
I would agree about ‘spin’, pride and ego are a big thing for a lot of men. They don’t like being judged.

Original poster
Confusedaseverandaday · 26/07/2020 13:58

Hi thanks for the replies. The being together all the time situation is since he was found out. He could in no way have an emotional affair now. He is always at work or with his partner.
It is him I know, Angrymum22. I don't know the woman he was involved with.

OP posts:
Msonamission · 26/07/2020 15:35

If he's confided in you do you feel like you should give him advice? I agree with others that if it's true then it's abusive and he should separate from his partner. What do you think?

Original poster
Confusedaseverandaday · 26/07/2020 15:49

I think it is abusive. But he says he cares about her. I just feel so sad for him. He is the age of my children and I would hate to think of them being in this situation. I have given him some advice. I have said it sounds abusive and if so that he shouldn't do joint counselling with her. I would never suggest he leave her, but I thought I would give him some info about helplines, maybe saying it is in case he needs advice in the future. Does that sound ok?

OP posts:
Msonamission · 26/07/2020 16:10

Sounds good advice to me Smile

namechange12a · 26/07/2020 16:30

Sounds perfect. Joint counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships. The fact that he says he wants to work on the marriage, shows how much in the fog of abuse he is.

Give him the number for the men's advice line: 0808 8010327

Original poster
Confusedaseverandaday · 26/07/2020 16:35

Thank you so much for the advice. I didn't feel I could talk to anyone in real life. Too much like betraying a confidence.

OP posts:
Msonamission · 24/08/2020 13:49

@Confusedaseverandaday did this situation resolve itself for you?

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