Wanting some direction

[Lost12]

Hi,
Not sure why I am posting here but just wanted to get my thoughts out and see what others think.

I feel like I am going through a mental health crisis, maybe depression. I can't afford therapy right at this moment but was having it before and missing having someone to talk to about how I am feeling.

I feel like I have lurched from one bad decision and relationship to another. I had an abusive childhood then an abusive relationship with someone who was very embarrassed of me and who cheated on me a lot which I just always forgave.

I was barely single and then met my now DP. I just don't know if this relationship is normal and it is me who is skewed on relationships or if in fact he is not great either.

So my concerns are that he is a workaholic, completely obsessed with work. Gets upset when on annual leave and spends all his days off texting work friends. Gets all his identity from work and genuinely thinks he is better than others because of his job.

I feel quite lonely because of this because it means spending a lot of my time alone and feeling I am never good enough and frankly sick of talking about his work.

My DP gets a lot of self worth through helping people and almost pities people I think. I think he pities me because I don't have any friends or a supportive relationship with my family. He will text me when he is at work and tell me he did so because he felt sorry for me because he knew I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. Maybe that is true but I don't want him to say that.

At the same time if he doesn't like someone in my life he won't make an effort with them and can be quite rude, like falling asleep talking to my sister.

He says people don't understand me because I am quiet and when his friends/ family make little digs about me he never says anything and just tells me I overreact which maybe I do i don't know.

I have very little social skills and cannot make a lasting friendship which must be my fault but I don't know how to change it.
I cannot just keep feeling like this. I do wonder if being in this relationship is making me feel worse about myself and I really just want to change and be a more happier person. Of course I don't think my DP is a monster and I am wonderful. I know I get jealous because of how I have no-one and am probably not the most fun person to be around, especially at the moment.

Does anyone know any good self help books for this? I feel like I just need some direction.

Do you have a faith, Lost12? Churches are not open for services during the pandemic, but i am hopeful they will open soon. You could go along to a service, and people will be interested in you and talk to you.
You may be in a rural area, which makes it difficult to meet people, but if you are in or near a town, there are book clubs etc you could join, to widen your social circle.

From personal experience I cant recommend Florence Givens book or Instagram account (free advice) enough. It teaches you about self worth & not settling for less than you deserve. Telling you you are "too sensitive & over reacting" is a red flag I wouldn't ignore. He's dismissing your very valid feelings. Stay strong & good luck.

OP your husband sounds condescending and as though he feels superior to you. Were your parents alcohol or drug dependent? If so, you're with another addict and are fulfilling your own abandonment issues. He abandons you for everything and everyone else, putting you last.

It's important for you to learn about healthy boundaries and how to maintain them. It's also important for you to learn assertiveness skills. Adult Children do tend to have unhealthy and dysfunctional people around them because that's what they know and they have a high tolerance for bad behaviour. No one taught them how to look after themselves or how to get their needs met.

NAPAC may be a good start. Free resources are online support groups such as CoDA or the Freedom Programme if there's one running online in your area, you can give them a call and find out: 01942 262 270 [email protected]

Look for free or cheap counselling in your area. You can contact your local domestic abuse organisation about therapy, do a search for reduced fee therapy at training schools, contact your GP or self refer via the NHS.

Reading: Co Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie, Co Dependence for Dummies by Darlene Lancer, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, How to Talk to Anyone, Essential Guide to Interpersonal and Nonviolent Communication by James J. Downes

Mindful Meditation is very helpful. You can try the Headspace app they have lots of guided meditations.

Anxiety UK also has reduced fee therapy for those earning under a certain amount or for those on benefits.

It sounds like your partner is emotionally abusive, denigrating you and undermining your confidence all the time. you might find Why does He Do that? by Lundy Bancroft enlightening.

Also, go to your GP and see what support they can offer - medication might be helpful in the short-term and they can refer you for counselling.