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Original poster

What happened to your dog in divorce/split?

47 replies

Planbforme · 26/07/2020 10:59

I’d really really appreciate knowing what other people in this situation did.

My STBEXH & I have split. I’m moving out soon and into a houseshare so I can’t have the dog. He will have the dog. The dog & I are best buds. He sleeps on the bed with me every night and I walk him every day. I’m bats about him.

Am I better off drawing a line under it all? Leave behind me STBEXH & our beloved dog? Or do I take the dog for occasional walks and try to maintain some half-relationship with the dog until i can afford my own place?

What did you do? How did you navigate owing a dog with someone when ye split? (We sadly don’t have DCs & I most likely never will now).

OP posts:

QuitMoaning · 26/07/2020 12:35

I didn’t go ‘home’ either, as the family had to move house (which is partly) why I moved out.
The dog will be oblivious about other partners, they do not think like us. I really think the dog will be fine with it.

The question is, whether you can. If it distresses you then that will upset the dog. I think you need to work out how you will cope emotionally as that will affect the dog, not the logistics..

Original poster

Planbforme · 26/07/2020 12:40

Oh ok. I just meant you were going back to your family, not an ex-husband. It’s still a family home you’re welcome in which is very different from a former marital home with an ex partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Planbforme · 26/07/2020 12:42

Yeah I know — the emotions are a big part of it of course, on both sides ... that’s why I’m interested in how other couples coped & what they did. I’ve had such mixed advice IRL. Some people say ‘no way. Move on. Leave it all behind’ and others say to negotiate an agreement. I might not know what to do until I’ve moved out which is all a little scary & daunting tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Planbforme · 26/07/2020 15:42

Thanks for all of your responses. I’ve found myself bawling crying over this (& the whole split I suppose) so I’m more than open to hearing from other people who separated/split from someone & how it went afterwards with the dog & even in general. I totally underestimated this whole thing. It is physically painful.

OP posts:

TigerDater · 26/07/2020 16:33

I kept the dog. XH used to visit her and stayed here a few times if I went away, to care for her. The dog missed him for sure but hell, she was a dog, she coped. XH was here the day the vet came and that was perfect. There was no one else I wanted that terrible day. I felt bad for him and the dog that they were separated so I made it easy for them to see each other. I guess he gradually withdrew his feelings and learned to cope. On her death pretty much the final line was drawn for our relationship too.

Good luck OP 💐

Original poster

Planbforme · 26/07/2020 17:17

@TigerDater

Thank you TigerDater. I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved dog. Thanks for your perspective. It helps a lot. I think, initially anyhow, I will have to continue seeing my dog and likewise if H is away etc, I’ll be available to care for the dog. I don’t think (right now anyhow) I could bear to cut the dog out but I do know what you mean. The dog will cope because he’s a dog and I am sure I will cope in time too.

OP posts:

Nyclair · 26/07/2020 17:35

My ex and I shared our dog, usually 1 month at each house. We were each responsible for costs whilst in our care, any vet costs were split 50/50. Its been working for us, our split was amicable.

Original poster

Planbforme · 26/07/2020 17:52

@Nyclair

That sounds lovely. That was what I had hoped for but unfortunately I cannot have pets in my new shared accommodation. So, I’ll either be seeing the dog just to walk him and/or staying in STBEXH’s house while he’s away to mind the dog ... poor substitutes for seeing the dog regularly but about all that’s going to be possible.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanketyBlank · 26/07/2020 17:56

@Planbforme Thanks

Nyclair · 26/07/2020 18:09

@Planbforme, my ex couldn't have the dog for the first couple of months, similar situation with shared housing. He would come over and take the dog out for walks, to the beach etc a couple if times a week. He moved shortly afterwards. I feel for you.

SeahorseSaddle · 26/07/2020 18:18

For me it was a cat, she was mine and I loved her. He came to love her too and in all honesty "dad" was her favourite.

When I left I wanted to take her but sadly I couldn't, I had to leave her with him.

I saw her a few times during the separation and I found it very upsetting, she would come calling for a cuddle and kiss and it made it harder to leave. He was an abusive shit to me but I actually at one point considered staying for the cat ffs!

She would have been loved with me, I don't think she would have been happy (would have had to become a house cat) and if I let her roam she would not be safe - country living to busy town living.

I know he takes good care of her, I still miss her and would cry if I thought too long on it. It is very sad that I couldn't have taken her, but at least she is loved and happy and safe.

Original poster

Planbforme · 26/07/2020 18:28

@Nyclair

Thank you. It’s amazing how attached we get to our animals. I love my dog so much.

@SeahorseSaddle
I actually at one point considered staying for the cat ffs

I relate to this 100% to this!

OP posts:

carly2803 · 26/07/2020 19:57

i had the dogs when we split. Hell would freeze over before i left them.

if you want a dog enough, you will work it out!

carly2803 · 26/07/2020 19:57

i had the dogs when we split. Hell would freeze over before i left them.

if you want a dog enough, you will work it out!

BarbedBloom · 26/07/2020 20:06

I think it depends. Someone i worked with tried this, split was his choice. He gave her a key to come in and get the dog. A month or so later she could tell he had been entertaining and a woman had stayed over. She was really upset and hurt about it and found it hard to deal with.

A woman moved in with him six months after that and didn't want her partners ex in their now shared home. It became very difficult and my friend found it too painful seeing how fast he had moved on. Sadly she drew a line under it and moved on for her own mental health.

If the split is more amicable then it could work okay

BarbedBloom · 26/07/2020 20:07

Badly worded that, the person I worked with was the woman in this situation but he was the one who ended things

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/07/2020 20:08

I kept my dog. My Ex wanted to share custody, come take him for walks etc, which I agreed to as I knew it wouldn’t happen - funnily enough as soon as he shacked up with the OW my dog didn’t see him again...

Myyearmytime · 27/07/2020 06:28

My son got a dog when he was about 12 . I did the feeding the walking and training but he sleep with him him his room .
Son when uni dog still slept in his room in his crate .
Ex and spit up. Dog started sleeping in my room.
Slowly my sons found places to live .
I had to sell up family home and by a place where the dog could be happy .
Sons still have dog when i go away or when i need him walking.
The dog need a op and I made everyone including ex pay for that .
Dog was not my choice to get and deal before divorce that ex did insurance.
Dog does see ex from time to time happy to see him.
I love the dog could not be with out him.
But he is still my son dog and will go with him happily.

Rowgtfc72 · 27/07/2020 08:40

I kept the house and the dogs as exdh moved into a flat. They were his choice originally. He visited maybe once a month, bought them treats, never walked them though. I paid vets bills.
Exdh died, I met now dh, still had the dogs. Got them both to 16yrs before we lost them to old age.
Dd adored them, dh not so keen.
Im not a dog fan, always loved them cared for them but they were ultimately exdhs dogs.

Original poster

Planbforme · 27/07/2020 09:44

Thanks for sharing.

A lot does depend on logistics but I can imagine the scenario of the new partner. My STBEXH reckons that’s when it’ll get complicated for us & I think he’s right. I’ve a feeling his future female partner won’t want me calling over with a key to collect the dog.

OP posts:

Delbelleber · 27/07/2020 10:41

I kept the dog. He sometimes goes on holiday to the exs house when the dc are visiting. He enjoys seeing ex.

suggestionsplease1 · 27/07/2020 11:40

@Planbforme

Thanks for sharing.

I don't think this is a foregone conclusion, I don't think it would bother me as a new partner, especially if I felt very clear there were no lingering feelings from the previous relationship; it will just depend who it is and how it is handled. If a new partner was concerned about access to the entire house I don't suppose there is a sort of backdoor utility area which could be locked internally and where the dog could be left and accessed by you?

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