Struggling with how I feel about past sexual assaults

[LittleMachine]

I'm finding it hard to word any of this so please bear with me. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for from answers, but feel I need to get it out before I talk with anyone in RL, if I do.

I've been watching the BBC drama, 'I May Destroy You' (fantastic series). I'm finding it is stirring up a fair few memories/feelings/non feelings. One of the themes is around being spiked and raped and the main character vaguely remembers someone on top of her, raping her when she is intoxicated. Seeing that threw up a memory for me, from when I was 15, and very drunk, being in a bed in a house I didn't know, and a group of young men around my age taking turns to have sex with me. I was definitely too drunk to consent, but I'd chosen to drink that much. They were also young and probably wouldn't have even known about specifically obtaining consent etc (it was around 2002 so it wasn't something that was spoken about a lot). But I was definitely 'passed around' 2 or more of them before I came round enough to get out - they weren't holding me against my will and weren't bothered about me leaving. I didn't know where I was and I rang a friend who came and found me. All I really remember about the sex is several someones being on top of me - there was no brutality or violence as such that I remember.
I've very occasionally thought about this situation with no feelings attached to it at all. I've even said, when talking about being young and drunk, 'I'm lucky I was never raped or anything getting in that state'. But I think I was. I've been thinking about it a lot this week, and I think I still don't feel anything. But that's not normal is it?
I remember the lads' first names and I still live in the area, I probably see them, although wouldn't know.

Since then, I was in an incredibly violent relationship, where I was regularly physically and sexually assaulted, as well as emotionally abused. I cannot talk about this in real life as I find it too hard and I'm genuinely traumatised - I have PTSD and as a result other mental health conditions - OCD, GAD, panic disorder. I take meds and I've had CBT, although if my therapist tried to get me to talk about things that have happened to me I shut down. So we focused on strategies.

I suppose my question is should I do anything about previous assault? Should I be trying to feel something and process the feelings through counselling? I keep typing 'I feel...' but then not finishing because I don't feel anything. I don't think.

I am so sorry that happened to you, I've worked out that I am about five years older than you and I can tell you categorically that those boys absolutely fucking knew what they were doing was wrong and absolutely knew that doing that to you was illegal , immoral and sick. Don't excuse them. Don't say they didn't know about consent. They absolutely did.

You have to get counselling for this, this is a major traumatic event. I have had a reaction just reading about it. I'm so , so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it , in ANY way shape or form. Those boys were vile. And I'm so sorry.

Thank you Lochie. I think what is confusing is my strong feelings about being raped by my ex - it makes me super anxious, angry, sometimes I cry etc. But about that I feel nothing. But by creating this post maybe I do feel something? If I do, I can't identify what it is.

I'm worried that by going to counselling I'd just shut down. If I ever tried to talk about my ex, it was literally like shutters came down over my face and over my feelings and I couldn't do it.

I have had a few very traumatic things happen to me when I was younger and I also have some things that have really affected me and others that just feel like they happened to someone else

Sorry to hear that TheBlueStocking. How do you feel about the difference in your reactions to the experiences?

If you go to counselling and you shut down and don't talk about it then you have lost nothing.... But I have had quite a lot of counselling and I would be surprised if you got nothing out of it.

It's all about you, what you want to say and what you don't want to say. There's no pressure to do anything you don't want to or aren't ready for.

I had one big issue that I spoke about in counselling, something that was traumatic for different ways ( suicide of someone I loved) , I struggled to talk about it, it was difficult. But what I did was, at the end of the previous session, I said, next week I want to talk about the suicide, it really affected me and I want to start talking about that.

And it's something I do now on stuff. Maybe after you've started counselling and feel supported then you could maybe start a diary about how you are feeling , writing things like "I want to start thinking about what happened to me when I was 15, what happened with those boys", and then go on, "I want to think about why I was attracted to that man, that truly awful, abusive man.'

I honestly, I really, really want you to get emotional support, this is all difficult stuff for anyone to deal with , you shouldn't have to cope with it alone. You deserve to be protected and safe , and a big part of that is going to counselling.

I don't really know, like you. But I do know some really objectively horrible things have happened to me and I just seem to have no emotional connection to them at all. Maybe it's like a safety thing in our brains that makes the memory not work properly?

Lochie, I'm sorry you lost someone you loved in that way, that's awful.

I can see you feel strongly about my post, I appreciate that. I react really strongly to reading or talk about any injustice, and if I was replying to my post on here I'd probably say the same. I am wondering what would happen if I just carry on as I am..I just accept my MH issues and my medication as part of my life and get on with it. But then one day will I start having feelings about things that have happened to me outside of the repeated assaults by my ex, and have a complete breakdown?!
Sorry not expecting answers to that, this post is turning into a streak of thought! 🙄

Just to add, I am now in a very stable, very safe and very loving marriage.

I am so happy that you are in a loving marriage, that is wonderful to hear. But I would still recommend counselling just as much. These thoughts are coming up for you, you have been triggered by that programme. You need to find a way to cope with this and honestly, I think it could be part of what you do for yourself in protecting your marriage from you possibly having a breakdown further down the line.

It doesn't just go away on its own. And I'm slightly worried about your lack of reaction to what happened when you were 15. You have been in denial, saying you were lucky you have never been raped. And that you can't talk about your relationship with your ex, that speaks to either feeling fear or shame, and neither of these things are your cross to bear.

I really want you to start looking into accessing counselling. From an objective outsiders view . You deserve the support to work through what happened to you.

I'm worried about my lack of reaction too, I think that's the main reason why I posted. But then also I think, I've lived with this, not particularly bothered by it for 19 years...maybe I'll never really feel anything about it and just largely forget about it again.

@LittleMachine

I don't think you have been dealing with it for 19 years, I think you have successfully avoided it for 19 years , and there's a big difference.

I think life has a way of making you deal with things... Have you a daughter, or a niece? If you do there's a good chance when they turn 15 you will be triggered (I have experience of this in other types of abuse).

If you start to go to counselling when your stable and happy and supported it could make a big difference to the outcome. It's worth considering.

What would you say to someone else? Would you say their lack of reaction means that they are healed or in denial?

I know what I'd say to someone else for sure. And I'd encourage them to talk to someone.
I have 2 sons, no daughters, but I do have 4 nieces...that's something I definitely hadn't thought about, I hadn't thought about it in that much depth.

Thanks for your support Lochie, you're helping me think things through objectively and giving me some validation that it's not normal..although Blue has shown me it's not just me who has experienced this lack of feeling.

Sorry to hear of your horrible experiences 💐. I've had some stuff that shouldn't have happened to me in the past too. I've had to stop watching the show. I think the show is brilliant, but it's upsetting me too much. Recovery maybe with the help of Survivors, could help you... and maybe its not the best show for you to watch either. Best of luck 💐

Thanks @staceyflack I'm sorry to hear you have had bad experiences.

I'm going to try and finish the show but maybe not right now. It's raising so many important issues.

After posting last night I really got to thinking about my life - how many times I have been groped at bars, had a condom removed without consent etc it's really quite frightening and I got angry for my young self. So at least I am feeling something, although I'm still not sure if I do about that particular incident.

I think you're right about counselling @Lochie662, I'm going to seek some out.

@LittleMachine

I'm really happy to hear that , seriously. I don't think you will regret it. Counselling helped me a lot. I'm going back soon as well, different issues but I know it's helpful.

You don't have to do or say anything you don't want to. If you leave after the first session and it's not for you , just email and cancel. There no pressure at all. Thanks for letting me know.

And I'm so sorry those things happened to you, it's awful what people think they can do to others. It makes me angry too.

At the end of my CBT - I had 26 weeks for my last bout and it was very helpful - my therapist asked if I wanted referring on to counselling but I said no. The NHS waiting list is about 18 months here, so I'll look into other options..there's no rush but I'm glad for myself that I'm considering it now.

Well , get onto the waiting list either way. That way if you find you need further counselling a bit down the line then you have that in place. You can always tell them you don't need it if you're okay at that stage. Here we just self-refer for counselling, it's pretty straightforward.

I'm going with private counselling just now. Although I can ill afford it. I know it's worth it. Even 6-8 sessions can make a big difference with the right counsellor. I think of it as how much I would spend on a holiday. If I spent the same amount in counselling as I would on a holiday then it would be life changing. It's worth the sacrifice.

Anyway, sorry , I'm going on.

Well I've just cancelled my holiday to Spain so.. 😏

Thank you for your support, it helped just to get it out. I hope your counselling helps 💐

@LittleMachine I have put up a post of a similar thing a few days ago, I was triggered after watching a TV programme also. I have no advice to give sorry as I'm unsure with what to do myself, but just wanted to say sorry for everything you've been through and send you and a hug xx

@afferal, I just looked for your post, I hope you don't mind. I'm absolutely horrified that those things happened to you, I'm so sorry. I hope you manage to sort things through in your head a bit 💐💐

I have had some sexual assaults on myself when I was a teenager I had counselling and even though its upsetting it's good to let it out sometimes you can talk about one subject and it will lead to other ones. My latest session I'm not crying because I was 13 and I struggle to know if they knew it was wrong and I was told of course they knew what they were doing. They are now men are they still doing it? How would they feel if it was their own daughter? they would probably want to kill these younger lads that they were once doing the same thing as them. But it's hard looking back at your youngerself because you change and think should it still bother me but it does and I watched the same show as you. I don't know how old your sons are but my fear as an adult is what if my son did this assault at the same age how would I feel for that girl? Good luck

Pessimistic, I don't think you need to worry about your son perpetrating an assault like this..even more so with your experience you know to teach your son about consent and how this looks in different situations. I'm really strict with my kids that if they're playing anything involving touching eg tickling each other, piggy backs etc if one person says stop then you stop straight away.
One of the things I was thinking about my assault is those boys had probably never been taught anything like that I'm relation to themselves or other people.