so is marriage over when your contemplating an affair????????????????/

[sevenyearitch]

name changed for this

im so confused things going wrong for such a long time i feel so rejected i dont know if i can carry on with my marriage

instead of the mil being the third wheel in our marriage its our lo, my dh is so smitten i feel so jealous and to say this.

he doesn't seem to want me sexually any more i dont what ive done wrong ive grown my hair lost my baby weight and then some

he's supported me thru pnd where i never pushed him away sexually but i withdrew emotionally i was a nasty cow at sometimes and he was fab

but he doesnt seem to want me

and i have a huge sex drive and im incredibly attracted to another guy mentally just not phyiscally and i know the feeling is reciprecated. when i got married less than two years ago i never ever dreamed i'd feel this way he was all i ever wanted but im so confused and sad

anyone have any advice tia

if not thanx for listening

Think it is time to learn to talk to your dh and get emotionally intimate again, tell him you need to start having sex again! Parenthood can be a huge shock for both parents, perhaps he thinks you're not ready for sex etc.

Sorry no experience really, have heard some great things about relate though.

Doesn't have to be if you both want to make things better.

Communication, communication, communication.

So many couples drift apart because they simply don't talk. There's a huge elephant in the room and eventually, there's no space for the two people as well, iyswim.

So my advice is talk. Think about Relate, sometimes it really helps.

Bless.
Have you talked to your dh about how you feel? Could it be that he is frightened to show too much love for fear of rejection, that you gave him during pnd?

IME, its usually the other way around, mummy i smitten with lo and daddy gets pushed out.

Would advise not to begin by trying to force sex back on the agenda. Just my personal pov, but I think that is a lot of pressure. Take care of your sexual needs solo for a while, if you have to, but you need to talk first and reconnect mentally and emotionally.

I think it's early days to call quite on your marriage after not even 2 yrs. How old is your dc - must be very young still so this phase can't have been going on for all that long - how long have things been like this? Have you tried asking him about his lack of interest - any chance of getting counselling together?

When a reationship is in a rough patch I think anyone can fall for someone else who pays them attention and makes them feel attractive and/or loved.

Perhaps your dh became very closely bonded to your dc while you had pnd. I'm sure though, that that is not the reason he isn't having sex with you - you are not really in competition with your dc. My dh is totally besotted by my dd and I know it can feel exclusive - it's not so bad for us because a) I am besotted too and b) our relationship is basically still OK. If it weren't - I might feel jealous of dd but I would be misguided!

Arrange to have marriage counselling with your DH.

And quit this self-indulgent fantasising about someone else. You won't feel happy until you take responsibility for your behaviour and start behaving like a person that you could respect.

ty for responding

we are still haveing sex jst llittle and not very often

he's been besotted since the day she was born she's 1.2yr's

we do talk but he just says he's tired is that the male version of a headache

he said last night when he stumbled in from the pub i love you but i love lo so much more i could have punched him

i have tried going solo for the last few months but not the same i need him

and i feel im losing him

oh and my dh would rather gauge his eyes out than talk to a marriage councellor

Get mad with him?

Tell him lo will suffer if he doesnt start spending some time with you. Maybe even threaten to leave him, or at least suggest that that is what will happen if he doesnt make more effort with you.

Whilst you've had pnd, it's a good thing your lo and dh have bonded so well (think of all the mums who post who say their dh isn't interested!), and I imagine looking back your dh has been invaluable. DS will have times when he's daddy's boy and times where he's mummy's boy.

Back to your relationship: Do you think dh's stepped back from the sexual side of your relationship to not put additional pressure on you?

But don't be hard on yourself. Get back in the habit of being tactile and affectionate with each other. The occasional cuddle, ruffling of hair... Your dh will take his cues from you.

i have tried heated there only so many times you can be rejected

we have been together 7 years in total

lol its quite funny coz she is a complete mummy's girl and he's still besotted

i just dont nderstand what's happening between s i guess?

So you seem to be saying that:

(1) You are jealous that your DH appears to love your DD more than you.
(2) That you are starved of mental stimulation and so fancy some bloke at work (mentally not physically)
(3) That your DH doesn't communicate very well.

That all sounds fairly normal to me.

Going in reverse order:

(3) Blokes find communication difficult, it's not their fault, they want to solve problems not discuss them, if they can't solve it, they don't want to talk about it. If the problem is with you and not with him, which TBH it seems to be (and that's not a criticism but an observation that you are the one who feels bad), then the answer may well lie with you.

(2) You need to meet more people and talk to people who will approve of you and make you feel more confident. You say you have lost your baby weight and more and that you make an effort but is it all for your DH or for you - if you don't really, truly feel gorgeous, you are bound to feel adrift! Putting on a big show for someone else which you don't actually believe in, is hard work long term and you will resent the fact that he's not noticing.

(1) Your DD is PART OF YOU. She came from you. Loving your DD is an expression of your DHs love for you too. I agree he's a tactless twerp and not exactly expressing things well but he clearly does give a shit about you, so you are halfway there.

Do you feel you want to punish him by withholding your daughter (presumably you would take her away with you if your marriage broke up)? If you can think about this rationally, is this really what you want? This is the destination if you go down the route of playing around.

I strongly caution you to think carefully about what you want - not today and the next week, but for the next decade or so of your life, and that of your child.

Dont do anything - just try and relax and wait. It sounds like you are winding yourself up to some imaginary and increasingly urgent timeframe, why ? you have all the time you need to talk to your dh and work this stuff out, you're not in a hurry to change your whole life right this second.....

Why dont you think about what is really going on for you first of all and focus on yourself first..... you complain your dh isn't interested in you.... but you are the one with a roving eye. You worry he is besotted with your lo, but clearly you are a doting parent too. It takes time to realign a relationship after this, it's true that the hard stuff in life is what we value most. Dont be too hard on yourself or on him, change the agenda too, when you focus on the sex issue, that will overcast everything else. What about thinking about sex as a second order effect of something else- like sex is what happens as a result of other things changing, it's not an end in itself. I hope that helps, please dont be rash, sit and mull on what's great in your life for a bit.
You can go to relate on your own too, they are fantastic, and they'll advise you on how / if your partner can be encouraged to come, and give you some great help on understanding what's going on for you and what you can do about it.

Well that was a very tactless thing to say. I'm pretty sure my dh loves dd more than me but he would never be stupid enough to actually say so (not yet at least ). It doesn't bother me though because I think what is really going on is that dd is a child and that is a different kind of bond - very protective.

We don't have sex as much as we did pre-dd and she's 2 now. We're just too knackered. Maybe he really is tired - have you always had the stronger drive?

If he won't go to counselling you've got to talk to him. Is this really just about sex or do you feel he is different with you generally? I still think it's early days in your post dc relationship. He may just need time to adjust and kind of regroup after your spell of pnd.