Leaving when you’re worried about their parenting skills

[Maybeonedaysoon]

I need to leave my husband. The biggest factor stopping me is how he parents our child sometimes, he’s generally a lot shoutier than I am, DS6 will cover his ears when he starts shouting. I feel like I spend a lot of time being a buffer between them trying to make it all less shouty. Today we were out and DS had a tantrum, H grabbed him and shouted ‘shut up’ right in his face. I can’t leave my son to deal with this on his own but I can’t stay in this shitty marriage. He will get nasty when I ask for a divorce. He’s said before he will fight me for our son and he won’t take anything less than 50/50. He fully means that.
He’s not a bad parent in the sense that he’s always done his fair share, takes him out, plays with him etc, it’s just the shouting. I don’t know what to do.

Leave him. It’s abuse. Just because he wants 50/50 doesn’t mean he will get it.

How can you stop them getting 50/50? He’ll just deny everything I say.
I grew up with a shouty parent and I’m very keen for that not to be the case for my son. I don’t know whether my experience makes me too soft. H says I pander to him.

It is so terrible, I fully understand. However, your x has a job to do. He has to teach them who he is. That's the wonderful part, because they then truly see who you are too.

I used to feel the same so I stayed, years later I’m broken from staying in a miserable relationship. Don’t be me. I’m now trying to leave but it’s so much harder when you are mentally broken. Talk to women’s aid. Just because he wants 50/50 doesn’t mean he can have it. They have me some good advice regarding child contact

50/50 is usually granted when both parents already contribute equally to the dc care and ensures continuity of care which is the dc's best interest. Are you the primary carer - and I don't mean just the fun stuff like taking dc to the park, I mean the cleaning up the vomit and staying up at night with a sick kid? Does he work? Do you? He can't turn round and say I've done fuck all, but now I want to do half. Family court will see straight through that as him trying to punish you, rather than wanting 50/50.

My friend who worked got resident parent against the wishes of her ex who didn't work. She had witnesses who confirmed she did all school/club pick ups and drop offs. They had never seen the ex. Doctor confirmed she did all medical appointments etc etc.

Do you really think your husband wants 50/50 or it's a threat to keep you in line. If you turned round and said excellent plan 50% time for me to have a life and hobbies and dates, do you think he'd still want it?

@Thingsdogetbetter he does 50% drop offs and picks ups, we both work full time. I don’t think it’s a threat, he will genuinely go for 50/50. The only issue I have with him as a father is his temper. Today really made me think I can’t leave because I feel like I need to be there to make it better for my son.

@Wantingtomoveonfromthis the thought of staying makes me feel terrified, I’m completely broken already but I don’t know what else to do.

You are more 'there for your son' if you allow him to see your values on your terms, rather than damage controlling things. Mine are working out how awful their father's temper is. It's terrible but not more than living in a toxic home.

I felt the same, my oldest now asks me to leave dad, it’s so sad 😞 I don’t know what to advise as I’ve been stuck in the same mess. But it’s now affecting my mental health so I have to get out or I will be no good to my dc

Thing is, staying with him doesn't save your child from him shouting in his face. You're not able to stop this happening by staying. You don't make it better or make it stop. By staying you're party to it and your son is never in a completely emotionally safe environment. Plus the damage living with this man does to you means your metal health will suffer and therefore your child won't get the best from you.

If you leave, you'll be able to provide a safe, non-shouting environment for your son 50% of the time, possibly more. Any incidents you can try to take him to court and restrict him to supervised access only. And in the long term, as your son gets older he'll be able to make a choice about going to his dad or not. (His dad might also be better if he sees his son less, might make more effort to control himself.)

Yes, I came to say what Category12 said. Sorry, because I know it's not what you want to hear. You're not protecting him from it, are you? It happened right in front of you and you couldn't do anything about it.

The problem is, abuse pervades every corner of a household. You're never truly free of it because you're always waiting for a trigger to set them off.

Leave first. Establish a home for DS which is completely safe and free of abuse. Never let your husband over the threshold. That will immediately be an improvement - 50% of his time spent in a non-abusive environment.

I wouldn't recommend going to court etc straight away. Men like this HAVE to feel they are in control. When you try to take control away from them it pushes every button that they have and they will dig their heels in. Instead I would be almost overly reasonable. Agree to 50/50, if he asks for that. Make reasonable arrangements (don't let him push you around for unreasonable ones, though). Wait and see what happens. Generally once they realise that you're not going to fight them, they get bored, they move on, the contact dwindles, eventually it is very little if anything at all.

And if it's not, at least your son has one home which is safe and free from abuse. And if it gets worse without you there, you report a concern to school safeguarding, who should help you, and if it comes to it, social services.

Actually, more than 50% because school will be a safe place for him too.

My ex is a shouty man and alpha male. I thought the same. I couldn't leave as I was the buffer for the children.

But he left me in the end. And the children have a safe home free from abuse.

They see him eow. My eldest went non contact. My youngest doesn't like the shouting.

For different reasons he stayed here in lock down. The change in the children was clearly visible. They were tearful and withdrawn. And kept asking when he was going to go.

I can't protect them when they are with him. But I have given them a home free from him. And they see him for what he is. Just give them the tools to recognise his behaviour is not ok. And they are always free to come back if they wish too.

Leave him....
He won't get 50/50 , he's emotionally abusive ....
Doesn't matter what he says or wants ... these kind of men always threaten this ... they don't care about the effect their behaviour has on the children..... it's always all about them.
My ex did the same..... in fact I was threatened with him taking my kids for 15 years ... me and my kids are free of him now and it was their choice not to see him.... he wanted full residency ! Believe me ... it'll be fine ....

By staying you are not being the best parent you can be.

You are pissing away your time and finite emotional energy 24/7 buffering your DH - rather than proactively being free to parent your DS positively and build his self esteem.

My advice to you is to leave. Its much more damaging to your child staying and having to deal with it for the rest of his childhood. He won't get 50/50 once you explain your case to lawyers ect. Good luck op. Lifes too short to put up with rubbish 😊

I’m in the same boat as you. My husband is an angry man with a foul mouth and no filter. I don’t love him anymore, in fact I feel hatred towards him and do what I can to avoid spending time with him. The kids are scared of him when he is angry, and are picking up on the bad vibes in the house. I’ve been keeping a journal of all the incidents since last November just so I have got something to look back at and remind myself why we had to seperate. I’m almost ready - was going to wait til this November so I have 12 months worth of incidents documented. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get him to leave.

Your son will still have a shouty parent if you stay. Unfortunately he'll believe it's ok to shout at women because his dad shouted and you didn't leave. Be kind to yourself and your child and go

Your son will still have a shouty parent if you stay. Unfortunately he'll believe it's ok to shout at women because his dad shouted and you didn't leave.

That’s only one outcome. Another is that his self esteem is shot and he develops behavioural issues as a child - at one extreme or the other - aggression or crippling anxiety - these can then develop in to chronic MH issues in late teens - depression etc which many attempt to alleviate with addictions.

If you want your DC to grow up physically strong, emotionally confident, positive outward looking and happy (not angry, suspicious, scared) then like a plant consider the soil and environment he is growing in - is it hostile or fertile and supportive.