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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told my friend this rarely works out and she shouldnt do it, now she isnt speaking to me

22 replies

kittykats11 · 25/07/2020 13:19

My best friend of over 25 years had a one night stand, totally out of character for her, and is now about to have the baby. As soon as she told the dad a month ago, he suggested she moves in when baby arrives...1.30 minutes from where she lives now. I’ve stupidly said to her that this won’t work out and she’s crazy to move and now shes not speaking to me, tells me I can’t be happy for her family etc etc.

I feel awful and don’t know how to make this better. Anyone got any ideas? Wish I had kept my mouth shut!

OP posts:

Scarby9 · 25/07/2020 13:22

Tell her you stand by your views but it is all out of concern and love for her, and that it is just possible that her relationship may work out.
However, whatever happens, she can contact you anytime at all and you will continue to be her friend.
If that is how you feel, of course.

Original poster

kittykats11 · 25/07/2020 13:26

I did say that and she said I wasn’t supporting them as a family. She has ignored all my messages.

I feel as if I have pissed all over her idea of a happy future when in fact I have no idea how it could go, they could be brilliant together. I was just worried for her

OP posts:

AnnieMaul · 25/07/2020 13:41

All you can do is say you're sorry and explain that you realise you perhaps made a snap judgement that wasn't fair.
Tell her you'd like to move past this and celebrate her happiness with her, if she'll allow you to. The ball is then in her court.

LuluBellaBlue · 25/07/2020 13:54

To be honest if my friend told me in those circumstances it wouldn’t work out and I was crazy I too would cut them out of my life!
Right now she needs support and friendship, not your judgement or thoughts.
I’d profusely apologise and I mean properly with a letter / bunch of flowers etc and let her know that no matter what happens you’re there for her and will support her.
As a side note, if she had a one night stand with this man 8 months ago and he’s just found out he’s going to be a dad next month and has already suggested she move into his, I’d say fair play to him and would think that actually this has more than a fighting chance as many men would run the other way!

MadinMarch · 25/07/2020 14:34

What could possibly go wrong with her plan.... it's extremely high risk and the practicalities of moving out again with a young baby will be very difficult. I hopw she has money saved in case she needs a deposit for a rental etc.
FWIW I think you were right to point out that she shouldn't do it.
However, I'm assuming that she didn't know him before the one night stand and hasn't developed a regular relationship with him since.
I'd also maybe suggest she contacts the police for a clare's law disclosure before moving in with him.

Sakurami · 25/07/2020 14:47

I think you have voiced her fears and you would just remind her of them. She just wants to exist in her happily ever after dreams. There is nothing you can do but wish her well and hope gets in touch at some point.

Elieza · 25/07/2020 14:58

Keeping in mind her pregnancy hormones will be all over the shop, you might want to throw her a bone.

Personally I totally agree with you. A one might stand means she knows nothing about him or he about her really. Throw a crying, not sleeping at all baby into the mix and the odds of this working out don’t honestly look good.

However if she has made up her mind and he’s stepped up to the mark then they’ve made their choice. Up to you to either try and mend the friendship or walk away. Depends how far you are prepared to go to keep the friendship. You may have to tell a little white lie that you may have said things that weren’t reflective of her and him in haste and you apologise. Or give up and walk off.

I hope she’s not rich and he’s not after her money and they are genuinely trying to make the best of the situation.

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/07/2020 14:59

I’ve stupidly said to her that this won’t work out and she’s crazy to move...
when in fact I have no idea how it could go, they could be brilliant together. I was just worried for her

I’d apologise to her for what you said at first, because your second statement is more accurate and say it came from a place of concern for her.

AgentJohnson · 25/07/2020 15:05

This

namechange12a · 25/07/2020 15:49

I only give my opinion if someone asks, then more fool them for asking. The only caveat is if I think they are in danger, and then I might try to shake some sense into them but, other than that - 'Hope it works out for you is there anything I can do?'

You've apologised so leave it OP. She'll come back in her own good time if she wants to.

Alloverthegrapevine · 25/07/2020 15:56

She's having a baby with a man who seems to want to be there for them both and you're telling her it can't work out before she's even tried? I don't blame her, how about sending a few positive thoughts her?

She needs to take some steps to protect herself financially and not be be dependent on him but why would you be anything but happy for her?

NameChange84 · 25/07/2020 16:04

Oops...

The thing is you don’t actually know that.

I have seen it work a couple of times irl, even with a father who told the woman to abort the child. They are now extremely happy, married with two kids, lovely home together, he feels it’s the best thing that happened to him. Another only managed to track the father down through Facebook after a one night stand in a pub toilet on NYE! They are now married and again very happy and the child is in junior school with hopes for more children.

I don’t think you should have stuck your nose in and said what you did. They could have at least given it a go, what harm would it do to you?

Original poster

kittykats11 · 25/07/2020 16:06

I agree I shouldn’t have said a thing.

I was worried for her that she was moving away from her friends/family (not from me, I already live far away!). But I figured it was unlikely to work out, they’d not been in touch since that night.

I wish I hadn’t said anything though!

OP posts:

Dozer · 25/07/2020 16:14

I’d have thought the same but saying it was unfortunate!

What does she plan to do about work?

Cam2020 · 25/07/2020 16:52

I think people tend to react like that when they know you're right, although hormones might have played a part too.

You were only pointing out the risks - I'd expect any good friend to do that for me. She could have thanked you for your concern and still gone ahead with what she wants to do. She's over reacted.

PicsInRed · 25/07/2020 17:52

No normal man would suggest this. She's in for a terrible life lesson.

user1481840227 · 25/07/2020 17:55

You were a good friend.
She's probably hormonal and panicking a bit about this.
I would be surprised if she held it against you forever though!

buildingbridge · 25/07/2020 17:59

I'm sorry OP. But you are a good friend. I absolutely agree with you and will tell a friend this. She knows NOTHING about him and he wants her to move and hour and a half away... away from all her close family and friends. It could work out. But I would suggest that she takes it slow and gets to know him for a while before moving in with him. He could be a psychopath for all she knows.

She's upset because she knows it. I have friends that have been brutally honest about me with my relationships and I don't like it. But if it wasn't for them, I would not have got out of an abusive relationship. She will contact you again, don't worry OP. If she doesn't... well WOW, you don't need a friend like that.

howfarwevecome · 25/07/2020 18:05

Send her a note with something pretty (flowers, nice lotion for new mum, something pretty for the baby?) and tell her you're sorry that you voiced doubts, but you said them out of your concern and love for her. That you of course support her and her new family going forward and wish them only the best.

PumpkinP · 25/07/2020 19:12

I think you sound like a good friend op, I got pregnant early on with a man (not a one night stand) but he asked me to move in and I said no as I didn’t know him well enough, we did try to make a go of things but we aren’t together anymore and he was abusive. I think it’s rare for these situations to work out.

ChristmasFluff · 25/07/2020 19:38

Real friends speak up when they see a person in danger - well done. OP.

Your friend does not want friends, she wants sycophants.

A real friend would be able to deal with your very valid concerns. The fact she can't suggests she shares them. Re-iterate you are there for her regardless of your opinion, and then leave it be.

There's this myth that friendship is supporting people whatever crap they do. That is not friendship.

Tryalittletenderness · 26/07/2020 08:28

I think you were right to say what you said. It’s only a true friend who will say such things. Just be there for her when she gets in touch.

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