Recently started therapy and to be honest I’ve always been sceptical about it! But I’m trying because I know I struggle with emotions and want to work on that.
Summary is that I always felt jealous of my sibling who had a lot of attention for being exceptionally good at playing piano. I will list some of these things even though I feel a bit embarrassed as they seem petty as an adult!
Every Sunday family would come over and we would all sit for an hour to listen to her play. No talking was allowed during her playing and I was told to shush if I asked a question. Granted I would sometimes do this to distract from the constant attention on her. It just felt awkward for me, I feel embarrassed and insignificant.
We spoke travel all over the uk in holidays - not all holidays. We would stay in nice hotels but at age 11 I didn’t care so much about that. We would drop her off and wait for up to an hour at a time for her in the car. The entire conversation about what she was doing at this particular camp.
Both parents were weird around her teachers...treating them like gods. This is no exaggeration here and it is amusing rather than sad but I include it to give the whole picture. I had to be nice and polite and chatty with these teachers and parents would want to hang around outside the room where lessons were held so they could hear what was going on. This wasn’t every lesson but I do remember it.
I was often given money to spend during days when they were focused on her, for instance when j was old enough I could wander off on my own when we had gone away on a music camp for her. I would have significant money which kept me entertained, buying books or food or clothes. I enjoyed this but always felt lonely and knew on some level even then that it was a literal price paid to keep me happy while they had attention elsewhere.
Comments growing up like why do you need constant attention, why can’t you go and read a magazine like your sister
Comments like if we died we would be worried about leaving your sister with you but we would be content knowing you had your sister...you can’t be trusted or relied upon.
When I was revising for exams my parents would allow this music practise to go on as and when my sister wanted, even to the detriment of my own learning. I was good at school and it didn’t affect my exams I don’t think but it made things very difficult and stressful.
Once in the car without my sister while she was at a practice, my mum said to my dad, if my sister hasn’t got into this prestigious course, she would have thought oh ok she’s not that amazing but now she had got onto it she had it all confirmed that my sister was really something special.
I was continually called jealous and told if I wanted to learn an instrument then I had the same opportunities as my sister but apparently I just wasn’t interested.
Told constantly that I had been a nightmare to bring up, I was a difficult child
They would often compare us as say we had the same upbringing so why had I turned out like I had
Told constantly that I nearly broke their marriage
Told constantly in jest that they had made financial sacrifices for us and, again in jest, they would be in a huge house and very very comfortable now if they hadn’t spent money on our education
Told that I was weird regularly.
Told that my sister badly needed a break as she worked so hard, I was never afforded this sort of understanding or consideration about my own feelings
As an adult they will still refer to these things and call me a difficult child if there’s ever any sense of a dispute about anything
There’s more but that’s the general jist. It is only fair to say also that I had huge amounts of support with my life too, they would attend school things and were interested in school work and they did want what was best for us both, I just always felt sidelined.