Counselling - update.

[Jessy2903]

Hi all.
I posted recently about DH and I going for counselling, there is nothing drastically wrong in our relationship apart for the interference from his mother.

Anyway, first session went well, she actually agreed with me and finally made husband see all the mind games she's been playing.

What I am struggling with is where to now? She can't help me with the fear and dread every time I have to see MIL. I have so much hatred towards her, I just don't know how to 'get over it'

Does anyone please have any suggestions?
I've tried to ignore, kill with kindness etc etc but the second I see or hear her all my feelings of hate towards her come back 🤯🤯

Why do you think the counsellor can’t help you with this?

I asked her what now, what steps to follow and she was very blunt.
Told me it was down to me to let it go and move on, if I struggled that bad I shouldn't see her.

I feel like the last session has left me at a dead end.

Now my DH has finally seen what's she like, I really want to sort this MIL issue once and for all.

How unhelpful. Could you see a different counsellor individually? Perhaps someone relational or person-centred rather than CBT would be most helpful. It sounds like you have a lot of pain to work through before you can ‘move on’.

That is a good point, I figured that another therapist would just say the same, had not even considered about seeing someone different. Thank you :)

Interference from ILs has in part been the cause of some marriages ending.

It is not your fault that his parents are the ways they are and neither you or your DH made them that way (their own parents did that lot of damage to them). You likely came from an emotionally healthy and functional family unit yourself, your DH was clearly not as lucky. You cannot apply "normal" rules of familial interactions to people like his mother, the rule book really does go out the window when it comes to such families.

Your DH is still key here so this is not an issue either that can be resolved solely by you. What did he think of the counsellor and this session, have the scales really been lifted from his eyes re his mother and for that matter his dad?. He is still likely mired in a fear, obligation and guilt state re them and his inertia to date re his mother in particular only served to hurt him as much as you. He is perhaps still wanting their approval, approval too they will never give him.

You both need to present a united front when it comes to his parents and you need firm and consistently applied boundaries. What is and is not acceptable to you from them?. Call them out on what is not acceptable to you every single time, you must be consistent. You should be under no obligation to see either of his parents here even if your DH feels uncomfortable about it (he will then become the target of his mother's rages and he is far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you).

I would suggest you and certainly your DH continue with seeing a (BACP registered) therapist and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Such people are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

You may also find reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward helpful here too. He should read "Toxic Parents" by the same author.

Women like MIL always need a willing enabler to help them and that person here is his dad. Like his father, your DH has further enabled his mum's bad behaviour towards you (btw she would have acted the same regardless of whom he married) by throwing you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He may well not have your back here even now.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Wow! This is seriously spot on! Thank you so much.
DH has certainly changed towards his mum recently, even called her manipulative which I never thought he would see so he's defo realising.

I'm going to order the books now! Thank you so much!

Now you decide on your personal boundaries, what you will and won’t do/accept and come up with a plan with you dh and therapist.

This therapist or another depending on how you think they will be able to help you.

My mother in law is horrible so I understand. People are so quick so say that no one gets on with their MIL etc but that's not true. What sort of things has she done?