Hi
I'm not exactly sure what I want from this post but I know I need to get this out in "words" so to speak. Sorry if it ends up muddled and long 😳
I've watched lots of documentaries/read stuff about sexual abuse over the years and never felt personally affected, obviously apart from feeling sadness ect.. for the victims.
Last week I watched the Epstein one and I've been a wreck in my head since, it has triggered some experiences I've had growing up (no idea why this programme in particular was a trigger) but I feel like I'm going mad and can't seem to pull myself together.
My experiences were nowhere near as bad as the ones suffered by those in this documentary.
3 in particular are just playing on a loop inside my head. I honestly thought I hadn't been majorly affected by 2 of them, the 3rd I have definitely tried to block out,keep in it's "box" but now it's refusing to go back into the "box".I think i feel the 3rd one was my own fault and im really struggling with how to deal with it now it's out the "box".
The 1st experience was when I was around 7 and my mum moved in with her then boyfriend. My mum is an alcoholic and was very neglective/abuse growing up(I've been NC for 15 years now) anyway she would palm me off on anyone she could and go out drinking ect...I was often left with her boyfriends uncle and over time I became close to him, he used to stroke my hair,stroke my legs/bum tell me I could confide anything in him and he wouldn't tell my mum, buy me things behind my mum's back,then one night I was asleep and he came into the bedroom to wake me up, started stroking me and unzipping his trousers when we heard my mum come in, he got up quickly and bolted from the room. I remember there being an argument and his brother shouting why was he in my room and he stopped coming round after that.It was only years later when I learnt he was in prison for sexual abuse against children that I started to think that maybe he had been trying to groom me as a child.
The second experience was between the ages of 9/10 and I used to stay at a friend of my mum's sometimes a week or 2 at a time. She was like an aunty to me and her husband like an uncle. He was a PE teacher and lived in shorts ,after a while (when we were alone) he started to always try get my attention, say I was watching TV he'd say something and I'd answer without looking up from TV and he would say no you have to look at me when I'm talking to you..and the first time I did he was sitting on the sofa with his legs open and errect penis hanging out of the side of his shorts. I actually remember thinking omg he mustn't know he's showing but was too scared to say anything. It started to happen everytime we were alone, and progressed to him getting me to sit on sofa with him and he would stroke himself.He also used to buy me comics and always stuffed in-between comics was a porno mag and he just used to laugh.I knew this was wrong even at that age but I think I always felt it wasn't that bad because he never actually touched me in anyway.Again the realisation came years later that he may of possibly been trying to groom me when I saw him in the paper charged with sexually assault against two girls in a swimming pool that were having a swim lesson with him.
The 3rd experience is the one that's causing most issues.When I was 15 a "friend" and I went to see one of our favourite groups in concert. The place was 2 train rides from where we lived but close to one of my relatives houses so we were staying there after the gig.We got the train in the morning and spent the day in the city, my friend bought a bottle of vodka with her and we were pretty drunk by the time we got to the gig and still afterwards.I remember when it finished we were supposed to phone my relative to collect us but the line for the phone was huge(before we all had mobiles)and my friend said let's just go and get a taxi, I didn't want to as I was told I absolutely had to get relative to collect us and not wonder round late at night looking for a taxi.my friend stormed off outside and I stood in line for about 10 mins when she came rushing back in saying quick come on I've got us a taxi waiting and I gave in and went with her.At some point the "taxi" drove down a dark road and he asked my friend to give him a bj she said no way...but she will(meaning me) before I could even say anything he was out the front and in the back with me grabbing me, I kept saying no I won't and remember my friend saying just do it, it won't take long, i started crying saying no...and he grabbed my hair and pulled it so hard and pushed me down onto him...I refused to open my mouth so he squeezed the back of my neck so hard I opened my mouth to scream and he forced himself into my mouth and literally 5 seconds later came all over my face. He got back in front seat and drove us to a road behind my relatives house(I lied about address as I didn't want him to know where it was) it was never spoken about between her and me.But to make matters worse a few weeks later in school ppl were starting to tell me that a rumour was going around that I'd quite happily gave an older man a bj in the back of his car and ppl were calling me a slag ect...at the time that hurt more than the actual event itself I think. I've always blamed myself for this incident mainly for being a bit drunk and not waiting in line to phone my relative like I was supposed to.
I just don't really know what to do now, I've had years of blocking this out, I'm in my 40's now and have no idea why now it's all coming out and how to deal with it, I just feel so lost and just can't think what I'm supposed to do now.x