I feel like my opinion doesnt count sometimes

[Bullatagate]

DH and I got together when I was quite young, and looking back probably emotionally immature with low self esteem. He is 15 years older. I think in the early years of our relationship I often deferred to his opinion, or felt like mine was inferior.
When we bought our first house I wasnt sure about it but as soon as we viewed it, I knew he thought that was the one. He already had a property when we married so I felt like he should have more of a say and we did get it. My SIL and some friends knew I wasnt sure about it though. Dh said we could make changes to it, and I did eventually love it.....but if ever I mention that he essentially chose it, he utterly refutes the idea and gets really defensive, saying we chose it together.

Later we had some work done to it that I knew felt we couldnt easily afford but he went ahead and got it done anyway. He does concede that I didnt agree to that but just says "yes but you like what we did, and it does look better now" (it does but we could have lived without it and would be in a financially better position)

Recently he made some food and put in an ingredient he knew I really hated. I tasted it and knew there was something not quite right about it (DC didnt like it either) but couldnt work it out. The next time I tried it I realised what the ingredient was and asked him if he added it. He kept insisting I didnt notice and must have liked it because I didnt say the first time!!

The latest thing that has really annoyed me is that I sleep really badly. I often wake in the night and find it hard to go back to sleep. Often worrying about work or money. Although I often get up, go downstairs, go to the loo, all without him knowing anything about it, he insists that every time he wakes up I'm asleep. He mostly wakes and gets up earlier than me. I hear him get up but am trying to go back to sleep because I've been awake for hours in the night.(so he assumes I am asleep) I find it upsetting because I often feel really tired and anxious due to not having slept well, and I feel he doesn't acknowledge it at all and makes out that I'm making it up!
Hes not like it all the time and usually let's me make all the decisions about DC but I feel like certain things he tries to persuade me I think or feel a certain way.

Watching as my relationship is very similar. I also have nearly all the say over DC but not over anything else. My dp also chose our house, it is lovely, but I wasn’t allowed a say in looking at any others.

Do you want to remain in this relationship?

It sounds as if he treats you like a child and not his equal partner.

Why did he put in the ingredient you didnt like? Was it because he wanted it in there for his own taste and to help that you may hate it or was it that wanted to prove a point.

I dont like that he gaslights you either over the house. It was his choice so you have every right to say so.

And to hell* that you may hate it

I think you would benefit from reading nice girls dont get the corner office. Its written with a focus on work but Ive found it tremendously helpful in my personal life. You need to have the vocab to challenge him in the moment.

• Im not happy with that
• What are our options
• why did you do/think that
• I dont think that is in our interests

It sounds as if (and this is an observation not an accusation) theres a bit of ingrained sexism here too. You felt like you didnt have as much of a say because he already had capital and is older. And he "lets" you make all the decisions re dc. Thats not how an equal relationship should work. I felt similarly earlier in my relationship with dh. We hit a really rough patch and ended up in counselling which worked a treat, probably because I read nice girls dont get the corner office at the same time and realised: Its ok to have your say and be heard. It is not grabby or rude to put yourself first sometimes. It is essential.

This is just not ok in a modern relationship. It isn't the 1950s anymore. You should have an equal partnership not a dictatorship. My dh and I bought a house recently and we decided together, it wasn't him telling me we were buying it no matter what

I had this with my ex. Annoyed me to death at the end but it was silly things.

If he was cooking dinner I might have said 'no garlic mushrooms for me pls' but he'd put them on my plate...just in case I wanted to have some

We'd lived in the same house for 4 years, pet stuff always in the same cupboard. Every time he took dog for a walk he'd ask me where the poop bags were. Every. Single. Time. They were always in the same place.

It was really silly things but he just didn't listen. Anything I said, his opinion mattered more so that's what he did. He actually still doesn't listen. I don't understand it at all.