I feel a bit lost. I feel I’ve lost myself in my relationship and I want to find myself again, but I do not know how. Sorry for the long post.
I was single for a long time and enjoyed myself, found a great hobby, bought a small apartment, met my friends occasionally and just had time to be, read, shop, watch TV, develop my hobby, made DYI project at home, think about future, make plans, collect ideas etc. I did not go out that much because I really enjoy being by myself, although I need company and adventures occasionally. So I met by now partner, we live together in my small apartment. And I feel he somehow dominates everything and I have given up most of “me” or my independence, which got worse during the lockdown. He talks a lot and gets annoyed when I interrupt him, so I have to wait rather long time until I have the chance to say anything cause he tends to have long, very long sentences, and to be honest most of the times I do not have anything to add, because he just talks so much. He doesn’t go anywhere alone, only with me, and so is home all the time after work and at first he got a bit annoyed that I did not turn enough attention to him or if I did not react to what he was saying or showing me or when I wanted to do other stuff, so I kind of feel like I have to listen to him all the time and react to him all the time. Which is why I have discovered that I barely do or think anything at home anymore (e.g. reading, planning my future, thinking about DIY etc). everything kind of revolves around him. Well, if I specifically tell him that I will now do this or that, then it’s rather ok and I can concentrate on it, but if I just want to think, it feels silly to tell him that I want to sit and think now. Also, he is really good at everything – cooking, DIY projects, planning vacations and finding places to go. And he also wants to eat good food and go outside a lot – I do not need that much of food and I really don’t care what I eat, and I really do not need to go out that much as he wants, so whenever we think about what to eat I know that he has some specific wishes and usually he suggest something or when I do, then at least half of the times he still find something else he wants to eat instead of my suggestion. Regarding going out, I feel like it is so much more simple for him to find places to go or plan vacations, because in the past he has gone out and about a lot and knows basically all the places etc. It takes a long time for me to even think of new places. I have my own few favourites and that’s it, I do not need more. Again, he is also kind of picky and he rarely settles to the first choice when we plan to go out eating/relaxing. So I tend to let him choose. As the DIY at home, I really enjoyed coming to ideas and making them happen, although they were not as well done as I am not that talented, but I was very happy and proud of myself everytime I finished something. He, on the other hand, has a lot of talent and does very well those things and can handle the tools that I cannot etc, so most of the time any idea I or he has, he delivers it. And I have actually encouraged him to deliver those so that I could get some silence at home while he works on a project. I go out my own regularly with my friends/colleagues and I also have my hobby, but I do not particularly enjoy those activities that much anymore because I think he kind of resents me a bit that I go out myself. He doesn’t necessarily say it, but it feels like it. Especially as he never goes anywhere. Maybe I’m imagining it, I do not know.
So although in general he is great and I love spending time with him (although he can be annoying with the constant talking) and I really like that he can do everything and knows everything, I kind of feel so low recently, that I’m no value or I’m not smart enough, or I’m too boring etc. I could just enjoy that “simple life”, but I really feel deep down that I want to be more than just a “pretty thing” that he talks to and organises everything. I’ve though about breaking up. But then I realised that I have let it happen to myself. So I must change something. Because he is a great guy and I’m not sure I want to break up, I just need to find myself again in the relationship. But I have no glue about where to start! I don’t think I can talk to him about it exactly, I’d rather incorporate small changes step by step but I do not know how and what..