I’m currently going out of my mind trying to figure out what I should do regarding my MIL and SIL, or if I even should do anything at all.
I cheated on DH almost a month ago - I’m not proud of it at all. I feel fucking awful and utterly disgusted with myself, never in my life have I thought more lowly of who I am and what I’ve done - but thankfully, DH wants to give us another go and he believes he’ll be able to get over it with time. I couldn’t be happier that he’s found it within himself to forgive me and I’m counting each and every one of my lucky stars right now.
The issue at the moment though, is his family. DH is currently living with his sister as we’ve decided to ‘hit a reset’ button on our relationship and start dating one another again, taking things slowly, rather than move back in together straight away and pretend like nothing happened.
The day after he moved in with his sister, I received a very long, ranty message from SIL. She didn’t hold back in telling me how vile and disgusting she thinks I am and that apparently both her and MIL have been telling DH for years that they essentially hate me and haven’t liked me from the get-go. She then proceeded to remove me on Facebook, which was understandable and fair enough.
Upon reading her message and seeing that she’d deleted me, I clicked on my Facebook newsfeed, to see that MIL had written a post saying about how she wanted to ‘smash a certain someone’s head in’ - or something to that effect, and both MIL and SIL were talking to each other on the post, laughing and joking about hurting ‘me’ (they obviously wasn’t naming names) and how SIL would help MIL with the ‘smashing’.
When I read the post and the comments, I then did what I thought was the sensible and right thing to do.. I removed myself from the rest of his families profiles, 1) so they didn’t have to see my posts anymore and further their hurt and anger, and 2) so I didn’t have to see my in-laws publicly slagging me off and trashing mine and DH’s relationship.
A mere ten minutes after I’d deleted MIL, MIL decided to message me. She kept her message short and sweet, and simply said ‘unfriend you have, bothered I am not. YOU’RE A WHORE. I’m not as polite as my daughter’.
The following day, DH came to see me to tell me he wanted to give things another go and said that he’s confident we’ll be able to work through things together. I asked DH if he’d told his family what his decision was, and he said he’d be speaking to them once he went back ‘home’ (to his sisters). The following morning, DH told me that he’d spoken with his sister and she apparently said she wasn’t happy with his decision, but if it’s what he truly wants, then she’ll stick by him and give him her full support. I thought that was nice of her to say, only to then discover later that afternoon, that his sister went on to block me on Facebook and Instagram (previously I was only unfriended), as did MIL. Now, I get that they’re hurting too, and I completely understand that if I hurt their son/brother that will upset and anger them, I can never try and refute that. But, to me, you can’t tell your brother/son that you fully support them, only to then go on and block their partner after saying said sentence. I feel like that’s not supportive to DH at all.
Now, what I’m about to say here is in no way me trying to excuse what I’ve done and the mess that I’ve made - but, DH is no angel himself. He’s put me through a lot while we’ve been together, I won’t go in to the ins and outs of everything he’s done, but I know that what I’ve had to put up with over the past couple of years, would be enough to make the majority of women walk away. However, I never did. I always stuck by him, I always strived to make us work. Even after he did some appalling things, I stayed by his side. So it’s with that in mind that I’m confused as to how his family have thought I’ve been vile for years. Excluding my recent catastrophic fuck up, I’ve been good to DH on the whole, even on the days when I really didn’t have to be. I know why they’re angry at me now, of course I do, but I’ve been going out of my mind these last few weeks trying to figure out exactly what it is I’ve done in the past to make them despise me so much.
DH doesn’t really see eye to eye with SIL and MIL, I’d even go as far to say that he doesn’t like his own mother - he'd rather not see her than spend actual quality time with her. He's essentially told me to ignore their comments and remarks, that he doesn’t give a fuck what they think and he’ll never let their opinion of me get in the way of him and I. But I’m struggling. People’s opinions of myself really get under my skin and make me lose my mind.
My final point, throughout everything DH and I have gone through, my family have never once got involved. They understood it was between DH and I, and even though there were times in the past when both of my parents were absolutely fuming at DH’s behaviour, they never said anything to him. They knew that if he and I decided to work things through, then they’d just look stupid for sticking their oars in and causing more drama in our lives. I think because my family react so differently to his, it’s making me wonder which family handle things correctly? Are mine wrong for not getting involved? Should they step in and say things to DH when we’re going through problems? Or are DH’s family out of line here?
I’ve told DH that it’s unlikely his family and I will ever be able to be in the same room again. I very much they’d want to be, anyway, but knowing they’ve hated me for years despite the fact that up until now, all I’ve done is stuck by their brother/son has left me feeling bereft. I also said to him, that should he ever want me to patch things up with his family, then I of course will do that for him, but he basically said he doesn’t really care whether that happens or not.
What would you do? Attempt to apologise to his family, explain yourself, do the damage control? Or cut your losses and go no contact? I’m so torn with what the right thing to do is, but I desperately want to do whatever is right.