Negative self-talk

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I have a habit of running myself down in my mind - ruminating over housework not done, fretting that I was too sharp with the kids, thinking DH would cope better without me.

This is borne, perhaps, from low self-esteem. I am a confident person, quite brash, but under it all I think that I fail at everything.

I am SAHM to 5 young DC. Literally at any point in the day I have the youngest 3 attached to my legs and often with one in a baby carrier. My housework done to loooow standards, and clutter everywhere.

This is not a SAHM rant in full. I know on MN having +2 DC and not being financially responsible is frowned on, so let's not get into that! But just giving context.

DH is accomplished in his career, quite well-known and interesting. I just bring him down. He comes back each day from work to dinner on the table made by me, which he appreciates. Then he's straight in mucking in to what needs to be done with the DC and tidying up. So all in all, he's a fantastic guy. Can turn his hand to anything and will help anyone.

As soon as he is present and helping I start to think darkly. I accuse him out loud and in my mind of criticism for what I haven't managed to get done in a day eg unloading dishwasher or other minor task. My little inner critic gets projected on to him.

I don't have any time on my own. Although I do go on a big grocery shop on my own fortnightly approximately. I try to go for a walk on my own regularly, but counted that this happened once in a 2-month period.

DH encourages me to go out and do things, but I am loath to leave him with all 5 DC as I know how hectic it as, as I do it day in, day out. Also, with lockdown and things being closed recently I have nowhere to go.

Over the years I have forgotten all my hobbies, interests, passions. Even if I had the chance to go to a gig and drink a pint (example of one of my favourite things to do) I would be panicking after about 5 mins about needing to get home to real life.

We have no one to babysit to go out alone. We've been together for 20 years, still like hopelessly in love students, but the rot has set in a bit as we're never alone and I haven't got dressed up or felt sexy in years. So please, no suggestions of nights away, dates etc. It ain't happening!

I feel like DH married beneath him, and is now suffering for it. If I were a better woman maybe my floors would be cleaned and he wouldn't have to do it after being at work all day.

TL:DR - This is turning into a bit of a ramble. Does anyone else have negative self-talk and feel like they are failing, even though on paper they really aren't?

Bump?

Why so many kids? Just seems obvious that 5 is too many for any one person to handle without help. If your DH is doing well in his career, could you not hire help - a cleaner for a start. I'm not surprised you're feeling down with all the schools being shut for months. Sounds like you're ready to find yourself again in amongst the years of mumsy focusing. Think of ways you can lighten up he load and free up space time.

Cut yourself some slack.
You have 5 young children. That's EXHAUSTING.
You sound down and you are not allowing yourself any alone time or rest (Supermarket hardly counts!)
Discuss your concerns with your DH. He sounds like your ally.
Counselling would help. You've already helped yourself by recognising what you are doing to yourself with these negative voices.

FWIW you're doing an amazing job. You are there for your kids and they have you to cling to.
Good mothers berate themselves and promise to try harder tomorrow.
Shit mums just never think like that.

You need a break, you are not the only person who can mind your kids. Your husband (he sounds like a great guy) could give you a break or hire a babysitter. If you had some headspace you might have a different perspective

If you can afford it, get a cleaner in weekly.

You need to retrain your brain to accept and ask for help and allow yourself regular time-out. It takes a bit of practice, but you will learn to love it. Headspace is so important - it allows you time to think and keep life in perspective.

Try to focus on what’s urgent and important each day and break the chores and day up into chunks of time.

Get a cleaner (did I say, get a cleaner?)

I try to walk or run every day, at least once a day, even if it’s for 20 minutes down to the local park and back.

We can afford a cleaner, and had one for a while pre-Covid. Will see if she's looking for work again now that lockdown is easing.

Go to your GP, to me it sounds like you're depressed and not seeing straight. A little bit of support now could make a huge difference.

You also need to stop feeling guilty about leaving the kids with their father. So it's hectic and chaotic - he's their dad, he can be exposed to the reality of his own family life. Take him up on his offers to get some time out.

One way to stop the negative self-talk is to catch yourself every time and replace it with a positive mantra instead.

I’m in my 60s married a long time. My DW was/is a SAHM with 3 children.

Frankly I couldn’t give a .... about housework. It’s trivial

Sounds like you have a great DH

Sounds like you have a lively relationship but understandably are snowed under with 5 young kids. I have 4 myself and now that they're older it's a lot easier. Maybe get your cleaner to come more often and get a babysitter or allow your husband to look after the kids whilst you go out and recharge. You deserve it and if he mucks in when he's at home he'll be more than capable.

It's impossible to have a showhome when the kids are little. As soon as something is done, it gets used or messed up again. Set yourself realistic tasks that you are going to do each day and forget about the rest and enjoy your life.