Can't carry on like this

[Rubyslippers76]

Married 25+ years and 3 teenage children. I have not been happy in marriage for a while. Last year my husband had a particularly bad bout of depression and was foul for about 6 months - snapped at everything, constantly picked at me for things I had done right (I am full time bread winner, he doesn't work) told me I was overweight (I am a curvy sized 12/14). I should have left then but other big life things really meant I couldn't. Now he's "better again" and happy as larry in his life. Think he loves lockdown as I am here all the time (running my business from home when I am normally out of the house or away sometimes). I feel like a caged animal. He does have positives and there are days when I feel like I am completely over reacting and we could be happy together (we do really laugh sometimes). He does adore me, but too much in my mind, he never stops me doing anything but there is the mental manipulation that makes me often feel bad about seeing friends etc. We've got into routines that make him happy that I can't stand - silly things like he wants me to watch TV with him every night and I'm mean or in a mood if I don't want to. We do tip toe around him and his moods - or have to be quiet if he decides he wants a nap in the day etc. This morning he said I was in a mood as I didn't make him a pack up or put the bins out at 6.30am (I was up already) and could have helped him as he was getting ready to go fishing......I have a full day of work ahead of me and am cooking dinner tonight! His relationship with our eldest is at rock bottom (she is at uni and yes totally selfish and teenage but he make is 100 times worse). Our other 2 do love him and have fun sometimes but also know how he can be - they would not I expect be totally devastated if we broke up as they are different when he is around. I don't feel my family and friends are welcome in the house at all, he will tolerate it if it is an "occasion" but I really am talking a few times a year and we never really do anything together except go for walks (I do love walking but this is not enough to sustain a relationship). I feel like I take all of the real responsibility and organise everything. I am exhausted by our relationship as it is. This is not to make excuses for his behaviour but I do realise I have facilitated it and it needs to stop. I am starting counselling next week (and will need an excuse of where I am going....) I want to assert myself either to see if it actually changes his behaviour to one that I am happy to have a future with, or to give me the strength to have the conversation about leaving. If I had it now he would feel it was totally out of the blue and quite rightly I can't criticize him for not behaving how I would like if I haven't told him. I know most of you will think it is not worth trying but I feel that after so long our relationship deserves that and I have not stepped up to fully ask what I want before. Feeling so lost and alone in this.

I think you’re doing the right thing and you’re on a good path with the counselling. It’s going to be a long road but you sound like you have the strength and sense of yourself to make things change. Keep going.

The thing that stands out - why doesn’t your husband work?

I think that sort of dynamic where one partner works FT and the other doesn’t work at all creates all sorts of imbalances and resentments, especially once the children are at school / older.

Being depressed is not an excuse for being verbally abusive.

Sounds to me like he needs to get off his entitled arse and get a job.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar yourself at home between your mum and dad?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why is he not working?.

I think your children wonder of you why you are still with their abuser of a dad. And no, your kids won't be devastated (why use that word too?) when you leave him, more like relieved for their own selves. You are showing them also that currently at least, his treatment of you and in turn them, is still acceptable to you.

Your relationship with them is perhaps good for now but going forward it may not be if you choose to remain with him. They could well ask you why you put him before them? You are still choosing this life for your own self and subjecting them to this from their dad at the same time, why?. Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this, no you would not. And its not good enough for you either.

Asserting yourself in front of an abuser will not work and is a dangerous tactic. He knows what you want and does not care about you at all, all he cares about is having you around to abuse and getting his own needs to abuse you met. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. He does this because he can. He won't make any aspect of you leaving him at all easy because he is abusive and likes having this level of power and control over you. He has trained you and put a lot of work into getting you to become this totally subserviant and compliant to him.

If you have not already done so I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and the domestic violence unit at your local Police station. Coercive control is now a crime and the police do take this far more seriously.

This is who he is; an abuser so how can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He won't change and what he does works for him. He has you precisely where he wants you. He targeted you and also in all likelihood started to ramp up the power and control against you soon after you met. Marriage and childbirth were two further flashpoints to further ramp up the control against you and now your children. It was indeed a bad day for you when your paths crossed.

@Dollyrocket - it was supposed to be a role swap about 10 years ago. But the reality he doesn't want to, but equally it would be less of an issue if he fully took on the at home role. He does the bits he wants and expects praise when I still do as much housework/cooking and all of the finance, sorting holidays, car insurance etc. If we were on the bread line he would take a job, but he has no ambition. Recently he is supposed to work for me 2 days a week. On the payroll and sort of training him but it is not working out and its really only an hour or 2 here and there. Wish I had never put him on payroll, it's another complication.

It's jaw dropping that he would expect you to make him a packed lunch to go fishing when he doesn't even work!!!! That is crazily entitled behaviour. Just wow.

Counselling is A fantastic idea. Did I read that you're not going to tell him you're going? You should really start by being honest. It's okay to leave a relationship that you're not finding joy in. You do deserve to have a good life.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I realise that you are most likely right. I have the tiniest glimmer of hope (I am a glass half full person!) that he will react positively if start asserting myself, and I need to try this for me first. I also know that if he doesn't react well to it I have got the answer I need 100% to take pretty swift action. I have already starting putting many " ducks in a row" behind the scenes.

Crikey, you sound like his mother not his partner! I don't think I could live like that
Why are you making his sandwiches for his fishing trip? Presumably you are working today and will cook his tea?

When I was in a similar situation I started counselling with Relate on my own. I found it very very helpful - much more so than counselling we’d had together previously. I also read ‘too good to leave too bad to stay’ (something like that) which was also very helpful.

Have you been able to say “I am very unhappy in our marriage and unless things change the marriage will be over”? If you have said it has he ‘heard’ it?

@AutumnLeavesSeptember No I am not going to tell him about counselling yet. I want to have the space to work through some things first without having to have conversations about it or explain myself.

@Purplewithred I had a "sofer" conversation a while back that said I am not sure what our future will be as I don't think we want the same things. It feels a bit more like "seed sowing" it wasn't a very direct conversation because I don't feel quite ready to have that yet.

I have just had a conversation with my daughter after which I really feel like I need to leave. I still want to have some counselling first but how do I have that conversation? The thought of dealing with the immediate fall out leaves me feeling paralysed.

Wow, usually these "king to be served and obeyed", entitled, controlling types are the main bread winner and that's how they justify to themselves the position they strive for in their household ... (Not saying that makes it right).

This guy doesn't even bring in any money, he does nothing, he's like the lion letting the lionesses hunt and then taking the best of the kill for himself and bullying the rest of the pride.

Cross posted - could you get access to a good counsellor to help you with this process?

@GilbertMarkham - I have my first session on Monday....

Sorry if I missed that, very best of luck op

I am in a very similar position to you OP. Main breadwinner. Husband really try’s to control everything in the household, does not like my family or friends coming round. But my children are very young 6 and 3. I feel stuck where I am for the time being. I know my husband would not willingly leave.

Heart of gold don't wait. It is so much easier to do it when they are small. Mine were 2&3.

OP I do think you need to have a slightly more open conversation along the lines of you are not really satisfied with the division of life. That you feel that you really do pick up all the slack and that it's making you feel frustrated. That too much has to be his way or there are consequences. That you don't want to discuss but that you do want him to be aware.

I suspect counseling will be a validation of you wanting to leave at which point he will still have no idea and the fall out will be unpleasant.