My husband ended up hating and resenting me

[JustBeingMoi]

So a couple of months ago I ended my marriage after several years of misery. It was posts on here that shifted me into action and helped me see he was abusive and angry. In the intervening time things have been said and I've had time to reflect and think on things.

On a number of occasions I genuinely believe my husband actually hated me (that is certainly the case now) He started calling me really vile names after our daughter was born, but all through my pregnancy was pretty unsupportive and dismissive at times. He'd get angry with me for not eating food he'd cooked (I suffered with terrible sickness and then heartburn all the way through) and having no energy (I actually climbed Helvellyn in the Lake District whilst pregnant, so I didn't sit around doing nothing).

I don't remember things being that bad before I got pregnant. I mean of course we had arguments and cross words, and he did call me a cunt on one occasion before our daughter was born. But afterwards his anger towards me just seemed to build and build and build.

I've had time to reflect on my own behaviour. I don't think I was as supportive towards him as I could be, but at the time was drowning in pnd and anxiety, and I honestly was struggling to drag myself through each day. I went and got help and for me things seemed to improve, but he didn't. He quite clearly despised me. The things he said, the names he called me. He admitted he went out of his way to hurt me, because I'd hurt him.

Since our breakup he has admitted to feeling incredibly angry and resentful towards me. He accuses me of ruining his life and damaging him by making him give up his hobby (totally untrue, but he was out most evenings and most of the weekends, I asked for a compromise and he just threw the whole lot in). Ostracising him from his friends (I have actively encouraged him to keep in contact and on several occasions actually organised occasions to meet up as a group). He has accused me of forcing him to have our baby, and making him get married when he didn't want to (at the time we had been together for a long time, I was keen to commit to him). He has accused me of being abusive, controlling and a narcissist. I'm terrified that I am just a hideous human being. I honestly believe we have.made decision about marriage and family together, but i feel that perhaps that was where the seed was sown.

Is this a normal part of divorce? I have played my part in this, which I am going to counselling for, but what stings I suppose is his very obvious hatred of me. I still can't hate him, I still couldn't say something to him to intentionally hurt him. I'm not really sure what I'm asking, but i just wonder if that level of resentment and loathing is normal. I'm finding the fact that a man I spent 14 years with can so actively regret the time he was with me, and so obviously hate me, very difficult to swallow. He would call me things and say things to me that he wouldn't have said to his least favourite person. At times he would spit with rage. He never hit me, but shut my arm in a fridge because I was in his way, pinned me against a door because I was begging him not to leave and kicked and shoved me in bed to, in his words, check I was alive.

Any experiences, thoughts, would be valued to try and make sense of this large part of my life that has left me with deep feeling of sadness and grief, and concern my whole marriage was build on dust.

Yes he is gas lighting you.
Attack is the first form of defensive, don't question yourself you know what happened around his friends and hobby he is delusional if it was a genuine request for a compromise.
Forget you ever loved him speaking about you and DD like that.
Be strong be ready he sounds like he is going to be nasty.

This is what makes sense OP. Your ex is a vile, abusive man. He is doing the usual thing of rewriting your personal history together. If he hates you it's because he can't control you anymore. He's also making you into a scapegoat for the self-imposed loss of his hobby and friends. It's self pitying and narcissistic--no wonder you're taken aback. Don't feel bad about his abnormal feelings and behavior.

HE is a narcissist. And of course he hates you. He always did but even more so because you have left.

This is not your fault. Please understand that abusers are not like you. They do not have empathy. They are not capable of love. They feel anger, vitriol, glee at the discomfort of others, need to control and dominate, distaste, jealousy, obsession, bitterness and hate. But not love. They are emotionally stunted.

I'm sorry that this person happened to you. And that it is a horrible thought that someone you once loved, turned out to be so vile. Of course that is a bitter pill to swallow. But you need to. You need to understand that he is nothing but a danger to you. And that he sees himself as a general at war with you and any compromise or kindness you show him, will be taken as weakness.

You are free now. You have done amazing and it shows what a strong, brave, capable woman you are to have got rid of this horrible man. Please do not think you are in any way responsible for his lack of humanity.

And trust your gut going forwards. He is an empty shell of a man. You are good and strong and brave and he hates that. Because you are all he will never be. Yes, it's sad you were tricked and trapped for so long. But the villains of our stories should not define us. Now he is the loser, because you're free of him. Never let him drag you back down.

I can't even read it all. Awful.

OP - I think divorce - and unhappiness in marriage prior to that - brings all kinds of things to the surface.

My very recently exH - also felt like what I at times thought was hatred. And I am sure he also was resentful and angry of all kinds of things that didn’t work for him in our marriage.
I, in turn, felt my own resentments and was unhappy in my own way.
As we are different people - we expressed our feelings/hurts in very different ways.
I mostly withdrew. He was at times nasty and aggressive - mostly verbally in choice of words in arguments and tone that I perceived as threatening.
It of course got worse during actual divorce. Hatred multiplied.
So - I don’t think it’s about you and your character. I think it’s what can happen when relationship is breaking down.

I've just seen this happen with a friend. Married for 18 years, two lovely grown kids, he cheated and undermined her and checked out of the family, now says she forced him to marry and have kids and that she is a negative person, all sorts. Put her through hell dragging out the divorce, tried to keep every penny from her, made up stuff about her... It is so odd that a partner can turn like this but it does seem common.

He accuses me of ruining his life and damaging him by making him give up his hobby (totally untrue, but he was out most evenings and most of the weekends, I asked for a compromise and he just threw the whole lot in).

Does your name begin with H? Because if it does, and the hobby was martial arts, HE'S AN ENORMOUS TWAT. If not, he's another man with delusions.

Read back what you wrote.
You asked for compromise and he chucked the whole lot in.
That alone is enough. What a weird over reaction. That’s not normal. I can’t read anything in your post that would warrant how he has behaved towards you. Why is he so resentful. What have you ever done to him apart from ask him to be involved in family life.
Keep going with therapy and WELL DONE on getting out. Stop listening to him. It’s done, tough on him. He can hate who he wants. Time for you to focus on you now

Oh yes he sounds very similar to my ex husband.

He was abusive through the marriage but the abuse escalated after I had our daughter and he lost all respect for me. He thought I was the enemy and this genuine awful woman.

He used to throw his wedding ring during arguments and tell me he felt forced into getting married. He was just a vile man.

You will always be the 'bad guy' the one who broke up the marriage. 3 years after my split from my ex, I met a lovely man who has never verbally or physically abused me. When we are not happy, we TALK...it's amazing. I feel sorry for my ex husband girlfriend as it is unlikely he has changed.

@ukgift2016 oh goodness. He used to do this all the time. His two favourite things to throw were his wedding ring and his phone. I honestly think that's why he had it in a bombproof case, so he didn't damage it when he chucked it in an argument. A controlled tantrum, all the effect none of the cost. Although he did break the TV once when he threw his phone so hard it bounced and hit the TV screen.

yes my H was the same. Completely rewrote our marriage and appeared to hate me. Still does because he's now rewritten the divorce too. He hates and resents me for everything - now I've ruined his life by divorcing him (even though he was an abusive cunt and did some horrendous things to me).

I can't understand if he actually believes the stuff he gaslights me with or knows he's doing it. Incredible.

This is exactly like my ex. He still hates me 4 years on. As you, everything was my fault, tells me now he was never attracted me or even liked me just wanted a family for his son.
He is still regularly rude and abusive and loves to say things to hurt. I am the same as you and could never say anything to hurt him. I just don’t see the point now we can live separate lives.
He blames me for everything as I ended the marriage - strange as apparently he was never happy anyway.
Just be so glad you are out of it, he may calm down in time or he may stay the same as mine has. Having so much anger inside must make for a grim life for him though....

Best friends ex did this. To him he is perfect and a god amongst men. In reality he is a nasty, vain, controlling selfish wanker of a manchild. (Think I hate him more than she does!)

Her leaving him did not fit his deluded narrative of his own perfection. He couldn't face someone taking something away from him, so he decided he'd never wanted it in the first place. The only way he could justify someone leaving him was to rewrite history and make her the villian who had forced a life he didn't want on him. Any woman who left him was obviously crazy and evil and had to be punished. He truely does seem to believe he is the hero who was bewitched by her into having a child and she stopped him making it big in the music industry (cos his sitty little pub cover band was really going to hit the big time. Lol) and deliberately sent out from the moment they met to ruin his life.

If he doesn't blame her, he'd have to accept responsibility for his own crappiness. And perfect godlike men cannot be crap!

Wanker!

I just think the thing that really hurts the most is this hatred, and seeing a shared past as some awful battle, in which i inflicted my wants on him. I certainly don't remember it being that way. I thought we had done these things together. He was the one who proposed, and we had been together 8 years by that point, we were married after 10 years together and had our daughter after 11 years. I don't think we rushed into anything, and not to be crude, but he didn't seem to mind the process of trying for a baby. We got pregnant within the first month of trying which i this he didnt expect. My sister had tried for years before getting pregnant, and i had always suffered badly with inconsistent periods (i later found out I had endometriosis). So we both assumed it might take some time. So maybe he really wasn't ready, but the process was consensual.

Her leaving him did not fit his deluded narrative of his own perfection.

Thingsdogetbetter has just described your husband above, OP. This is all about him and his beliefs about himself. You have dared be your own person, with rights and needs - that doesn't fit his worldview.

This is also classic DARVO - Deny the behaviour, Attack the individual, Reverse Victim and Offender. Does that clarify things? It should, it's him all over.

I hope you will get some counselling for yourself so you can heal from the way he has battered your self-esteem. It's him, not you.

Jesus it's like they all get the same book handed to them at the end of a relationship.
My son's father basically said all of these things to me. Genuinely made me hate myself. I didn't remember things the way he did, but why would he be saying them if they weren't true? But then he would do it about things that happened more recently and I would know it wasn't right. It's gaslighting.
He's making his problems your problems. Turning the tables to make himself seem less the bad guy. Cut contact with him. Let it go.

Interesting thread, I was out with friends last night & most of us have been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour from men.

I think some men are on their best behaviour at the beginning of the relationship to lure you in, then the mask gradually slips & the shitty behaviour starts.

But these men have a "good guy" narrative about themselves which they want to protect/maintain. They don't like being forced to confront their own shittiness - so direct their anger back at you as you have exposed them.

It's very toxic & a horrible situation to be in.

He's the narcissist
He's the abuser

He was abusive, and it escalated once your DC arrived. Minimise your contact with him, and make sure your counsellor is one that understands abusive relationships.

I had one like this too. I ruined his life by forcing him to marry me then ruined his life by not aborting our second child then ruined his life by divorcing him.

Like you, I felt guilty for a loooong time. He genuinely had me feeling like I forced him into all our major life decisions. 3 years and a shed load of counselling later, I'm finally seeing clearly and happy to be free.

@Annabellerina I'm glad you are in a better place. After everything. The hurt and pain. The shouting, name calling, shouting, nastiness. The complete rewriting of our entire relationship is a physical kind of pain.