How do you even start to “separate well”?

[wintergirl]

I’m pretty sure my marriage is over, it’s not abusive, my husband’s not without his faults and neither am I, but that’s not it, it’s simply that we’ve grown apart and I don’t feel we make each other happy anymore. If we didn’t have children I don’t think we’d still be together now. I could give a lot of detail but this isn’t really about how you know a relationship is over, I’ve spent years wondering about that but in my heart of hearts I think it is. But from anyone who has separated well or who had a difficult separation and would go back and do it differently what advice and thoughts can you share. What did you do/ wish you’d done beforehand to prepare yourself or you children (I have two, 9 and 11), how do you start to open that conversation with your husband when you don’t think there’s a way of fixing things, how do you even go about having those tough conversations without it all ending in shouting and bitterness. I’m not imagining anything will be easy, I’m just wondering what you can do to help male or not toxic for all concerned. I don’t know where to start. For quite practical reasons (we’re currently living abroad and will be for at least another 6 months) I don’t feel it’s the time to do anything yet, but I’m trying to get my head around what’s worth thinking through in advance. I feel very sad and very alone although from all the posts on this section of the chat I know that I’m far from being alone.

No matter how much you want to stay friendly there are days and weeks where it isn't. Im 5 months on from separating from my husband. We generally get along, but have had a few rows along the way. Im learning to 'grey rock' - read about it. It is really helping. Im picking my battles carefully as we have children under 10.

Not sure where we will be in 12 months, other then divorced. Hopefully rubbing along nicely if for no other reason then our children.

Well divorce is a very scary thing for both people. It’s unusual for anyone to come away without losing something, wealth, income or time with children. Unless you are heartless that is painful. Therefore having a good degree of emotional intelligence will go a long way. Steer things away for strong and negative emotions, anger, resentment and bitterness.

Put in place boundaries. That is realistic boundaries in terms of what you will achieve in divorce. And boundaries that will permit healthy co parenting in the future, accepting you will both move on.

I also think that the more roles were shared in marriage, the easier it is manage the split on money and parenting. If you both earn about the same and well, both do more or less equal parenting and both can manage a home. Then it will be more or less 50:50. Plus you both have a relationship based on joint compromise and sacrifice.

I realise people won’t like this and may be upset by it, but divorce exposes the deficiencies of the 100% homemaker and breadwinner model. One will be a weak or remote parent and one is entirely financially dependent. There’s a lot to argue about.

I suppose another thing to consider is the immediate practicalities of what might happen after you’ve had that conversation. Bit of immediate space might be a good thing to have as an option.

It is a tricky situation but it can be managed if managed correctly. My partner and I separated when my daughter was 3. Similar to you, no abuse but things were very wrong. We both knew it. It was me that pulled the plug eventually. The things that happened after that helped ease the way. My partner chose to move out of the house to a flat. Due to my job being out of the country a lot we managed a scheme that he took my daughter when I was away and I had her when I was home. I kept very close to his mother who was a huge help. There was NO mud slinging, no major anger or bad mouthing towards either my partner or myself. On the money front and as my partner had our daughter half the time we just split her school fees, uniforms and school trips. It was hard work at the beginning to navigate good relationships with all sides of the families as they were devastated when we split. All told, with a bit of anger and upset along the way, but nothing to keep us off our tracks, it took just over a year for everyone to settle with what was happening. My daughter, who is 22, remembers nothing of this time. There were some issues when my ex met his now wife as she couldn't understand why it wasn't an EOW with my daughter and she kicked back that my ex would have her sometimes a week at a time. But my ex and I stood firm with co parenting together for the good of our daughter. Fast forward to now and my ex married the new girl, they have 2 beautiful sons that my daughter adores and baby sits for and I am part of that family too, going over to visit a t Christmas and birthdays. It can work, its how you both want to navigate this. One may get very very upset at the beginning so give them space to process it and not get pulled in to any drama from the outside. Stand firm with what you want to achieve and stick to it. Give it time. It can work.

Greyish is absolutely right. Don’t do the announcement that you want to end things followed by your version of how things are going to be. Just deal with the big thing, coming to terms with the separation. Even if pushed by the other party.

If they start asking about the house and the kids, the answer is to say you will both need to sit down and go through things to work out what is best for the kids and each of you. No specifics or examples.

What is best for the kids is that they have security and stability. For that to happen both of you need to have that as well. That common goal is where you need to keep landing.

Don’t react or get sucked into anger and shocked reactions. If he screams you’ll never take my kids, just end the conversation and let things die down. It’s a wild statement. It needs no response.