Help and advice needed with flirting ex girlfriend - 1 year on

[Headinhands2019]

Good evening and thanks for your time.

So I moved out of the family home end of August 2019.
We barely spoke for a good few months.
Spent Christmas together, me, her and the kids.
Since leaving in August right up to February this year, I kept hinting at getting back together. Then I totally backed off, was cold not inviting as before. Then there was a change in her mood.

I would go over there once sometimes twice a week and on occasion so would be kind of flirty for lack of a better word. Bumping in to me on purpose, running her hands through my hair etc. Stuff like when we were together. This has continued for ages and this week was the tipping point.....

I was over there this week, led on one of the boys beds playing on PS4. She comes in and starts sitting on me. I push her off. She then lays on the bed and wraps her legs around me, pulling me closer in-between her legs. I push her off then she does this again. This goes on for a while. When I stop struggling to get her off and give up. After that she does the same to me on her bed. Pulling me between her legs. I end up rubbing her and making her c*m. She was led on her front and didn't touch me. Anyway I left after a while then she texts me....

I'm sorry, it shouldn't have happened.
I replied, honestly it's cool, I thought it's what you wanted.
She said it is but don't think it's a good idea.
I said it doesn't change anything and just forget it happened. Not spoken for a few days now however that's normal.

What do you make of it? I was used and it was to gain control? She has mixed emotions?
She keeps making a point that there is no one else.

She knew exactly what she was doing. Starting wrapping around me with trousers on then went away and came back with pyjama type pants on, saying she was hot. Wrapping around me again. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing.

[helpmum2003]

If you don't want the relationship to rekindle then you need to set boundaries. Don't go round,see the kids at your house.

It's unfair on the kids, so confusing.

[Timeforadvice2019]

And what if I do want the relationship to rekindle?

[Summergarden]

Um, did I misinterpret the bit about you telling her you want another baby next year?

If neither of you have a steady partner and you have 3 children under 10 coming to terms with their parents’ separation, which from your own account has been rather acrimonious, that sounds like a terrible idea!

[Timeforadvice2019]

The kids are over the break up. They even say, mum house and dad's house are two separate places. I crave a family unit again. A happy relationship, a house, a baby, get a dog etc. All these things I'm wanting badly.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Lots of blurred boundaries here. Why are you spending time at her house instead of the kids coming to yours? Why the flirting and touching etc? You both need to decide if you’re over or not.

It must be confusing for the kids to see you being all affectionate but not being together - you say they’re over it, but let me tell you, they very rarely are. Even after 5 years with me, my DP’s kids wish he was back with their mum.

You ask how to ‘play it’... don’t play. Be an adult, sort out proper access arrangements, don’t go laying around on beds at her house (the word is laid by the way, not led) and then you can both move on and get your sexual kicks from someone who’s actually available.

She sounds like she enjoys having you dangling on a string, and it’s easier than having to bother meeting someone new, but whatever led you to split up, unless you can fix that, you’re not going to have a good relationship, so stop playing games and let this one end!

[Timeforadvice2019]

The kids do come to mine every other weekend. Got them more as it the holidays. I got there in the week to see them and do school runs. I live 25 plus miles away and start work at 5pm. So it's not feasible to keep going back and forward. I'm going to ask her later when picking them up, that does she want me to continue coming over? She often texts me and sets the day up. 'fancy a BBQ?'

[backseatcookers]

@Summergarden

Um, did I misinterpret the bit about you telling her you want another baby next year?

If neither of you have a steady partner and you have 3 children under 10 coming to terms with their parents’ separation, which from your own account has been rather acrimonious, that sounds like a terrible idea!

This.

[Timeforadvice2019]

So meeting someone this year and having a baby next year is out of the question? It's not a case of finding someone then getting them pregnant after 2 weeks.

[Timeforadvice2019]

Getting back on track of the real question - basically she knows it's gone to far this time. Hence no texts for days. Embarrassed? Shameful?
If everytime I went over there and rubbed myself against her, stuck her head between my legs over and over then she gave me oral....then I text 2 hours later and say it shouldn't have happened. That would be fucked up right?

[Lifeislikeaboxofchocolat]

Where were your kids whilst this was all happening? You were playing PS4 on your sons bed when she approached you? Why did you then go and sit on her bed? You obviously wanted it to go further.
I personally think this must be such a confusing situation for your children.

[Timeforadvice2019]

She was wrapping herself around me in the kids room. It's not out of the blue for her to come in there when I'm there. She asked me something and sat on the edge of her bed. We had a hug then she lay on her front. Legs pulling me closer.

[Lifeislikeaboxofchocolat]

So she’s either wrapping herself around you, showing affection in front of the kids whilst you’re playing on the PS4 with them?
Or your playing computer games on your own even though you purely go to her house for you to spend time with the kids?
If it’s the former, the kids must not know if they’re coming or going. The lines are so blurred!

[Timeforadvice2019]

One of my son's wanted me to do something on one of the PS4 games for him. Non of them seen what she was doing, she almost shielding them from seeing. Pushing your ass in an ex's face over and over says something right...

[Lifeislikeaboxofchocolat]

Yes, it say’s I want attention. She got it.

[Timeforadvice2019]

I never question what she gets up to on a weekend when I have the kids. Or even text her. I leave her alone and it's her business. If she wants to have sex with multiple people over the weekend then so be it, that's her deal. But don't flirt and crave my attention after.

[Lifeislikeaboxofchocolat]

You already know deep down that she’s using you for attention. It’s making you feel like crap, why are you letting her treat you this way?
Have you not thought about dating yourself so you can have that final push of getting over her?
You sound a decent guy, she appears to want her cake and eat it.

[Timeforadvice2019]

So what are the chances of it happening again or more?

[backseatcookers]

@Timeforadvice2019

So what are the chances of it happening again or more?

Considering you're both happy to use your visits to the home to have sexual contact in the kids room, pretty fucking likely.

Grow up. She isn't doing this to you. You're doing stuff together.

If you're finding it confusing and it's making you crave having another baby with her and a full relationship with her again, tell her that and if she doesn't feel the same you need to be mature enough to end it.

You're adults. Grow up and stop almost shagging in your kids room during visits then texting about it afterwards and ruminating over what it all 'means' like teenagers.

It means she wants your attention and likes having sex / doing sexual stuff with you. Might mean more, might not.

You have three kids together. Grow up and talk to her about it. Decide what you want and if she doesn't want it, draw clear boundaries and stick to them.

You are in control of this situation as much as she is, you're just choosing to feel she's playing games because you want to get back together and think of you do this long enough it will happen.

[ChristmasFluff]

When one thread full of people telling you this is fucked up and you are bringing it on yourself just isn't enough......

Yeah, OP, it means she loves you and is acting hard to get. Sadly, I feel the need to point out I'm being sarcastic, but you seriously won't be happy until someone says this, will you?

Your poor children.

Focus on them, and not some fantasy of rekindling your dysfunctional excuse for a relationship. Be the best Dad to them that you can be, before considering bringing more children into this complete trainwreck.

You might benefit from googling codependency, and getting into a CoDa group. the way you are acting is really unhealthy, and she is playing on that.

[user1481840227]

I responded on your other thread.
She wants to know you still want her. It's an ego boost for her, nothing to do with feelings or mixed emotions about you.

So meeting someone this year and having a baby next year is out of the question? It's not a case of finding someone then getting them pregnant after 2 weeks.

Yes it absolutely is out of the question if you want to do it the right way for all involved.

You say your kids are used to the break up and separate homes but you go over and hang out and chill there for BBQs or to play playstation and so on. That kind of thing would generally have to stop as you both move into different relationships.

[user1481840227]

Clicked submit too soon.
Not only are you going over there to hang out there's this flirting and sexual activity going on too. I'm sure the kids would have picked up on some of it.