Weird Vibe - What is this?

[EleanorOalike]

I was wondering if anyone else experiences this or if I’m just utterly batshit.

I sometimes get very strong “bad vibes” from people and cannot bear to be in their presence. It’s like everything in me screams to get away from them.

I was emotionally and physically abused as a child, grew up essentially with three “parents” who had personality disorders. A narcissist (diagnosed), an Avoidant/Anti Social PD (diagnosed) and what my counsellor and I strongly suspect was a Borderline PD mother. I was a parentified child, codependent, anxious preoccupied attachment etc. I’ve had a lot of therapy as an adult as I’ve had a history of bullying and emotionally abusive relationships

Anyway, occasionally, but too often for me to feel it’s normal, I get way too intense vibes from people and I feel like they are not safe to be around. It’s like something is screaming “get away, RUN!!!”

The example that has made me post tonight is a woman from a Zoom disability Shielded people’s support group that I’ve never actually met. Because of the sickeningly intense bad vibe I was getting from her, I quite literally couldn’t stay in the Zoom group any longer.

We’ve had a handful of meetings together so far and I can’t say why I feel so, for want of a better word, repulsed, by her and like she is “unsafe”. The first week, I found her a bit annoying, over enthusiastic, tactless about another member but nothing “sinister”. Then I felt she was looking at me like I was under a microscope, as she made comments (even though on the face of it they were complimentary comments) about what I was wearing, the way I looked etc, making out I had made an unnatural amount of effort for “just” a zoom meeting but in a “friendly” “jokey” way. It made me feel very self conscious and embarrassed and actually really upset as it felt like the entire group was then looking at me. I didn’t like having the attention drawn to me. Then she started having this tendency to dominate all of the conversations and talk about herself constantly. The other group members seemed to love her and encouraged this, even though she would monologue for pretty much the entire session and no one else would get to speak. The chair person seems enthralled by her.

Anyway, tonight, we started the session with a talk from a lecturer but as it was on Zoom, I could see her nodding and smiling and encouraging the speaker but it made me feel really odd. Like she was a “smiling crocodile”. I know I sound insane! I swear I’m quite normal but the more I could see her the more I was getting this sickening feeling in my stomach like she was dangerous and I had to get away from her and not let her know anything about my life. In the end I actually text a friend and asked them to to fake an emergency phonecall to me so I could politely leave. I don’t want to go back to the Zoom group, just her face on the screen makes me feel like all the hairs are standing up on end and I want to flee. It was really like something was shouting at me “get away from her”.

I have had this before, like an instant “unsafe” feeling and I always feel like I’m under a microscope (which is how I felt with the NPD relative from my childhood until I went NC). The thing is, I’m sometimes right! One of them, who everyone except me adored turned out to be a prolific child abuser. Another turned out to be a stalker with ASPD, several more had BPD. There are maybe 4 women who I’ve cut out of my life because I felt a horrible vibe from them but don’t know if I was right or wrong to do that.

I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I have “people problems” but at the same time it is genuinely like certain people trigger a “flight” or a “freeze” response in me and I can’t help it. The longer I stay in the situation (like a room or something) with them, the louder the instinct to get the hell away is.

I’m not having therapy at the moment but my therapist used to say to trust my instincts and I didn’t have to like everyone anyway.

But I can’t shake the feeling that maybe the woman above for example was actually a really lovely person and it’s me that’s the horrible one.

Can anyone relate? Is there anything I should be doing about this?

I think you should trust those instincts. I get them when a narcissist does 'the stare' at me. I've noticed it in the workplace a few times and it usually is followed by them nitpicking about me over the next few weeks and then onto bullying. Now I trust my gut straight off and move away from anyone giving that vibe.

I think because you've seen disordered individuals, you can recognise subtle 'that's not normal' cues in their behaviour that other people wouldn't.

That's not to say that sometimes you might just meet ppl who remind you of past ones in other ways (eg: looks). But there is no harm in being wary. I'm with your councillor, always trust your instincts.

Even if she was a 'lovely woman', so what? You dont have to like everyone and you don't need to justify not wanting them in your life.

I'd trust your instincts. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to stick around to find out if you're right or not. Sounds like you're picking up on something not very genuine about her

I had a creepy feeling about one of my students once. Soon after he was convicted of a violent rape (not that any rape isn't violent but the level of aggression was remarked on by the judge). My mum had a bad feeling about a teacher who was loved by parents and children and a pillar of the community. She didn't really feel able to say anything because it seemed insane but she made sure my brother was never alone with him. He is now on SOR for viewing and creating images of child abuse. I'd say innocence until proven guilty but at the same time listen to your gut and protect you and yours.

If people have experienced something from someone they have a 'nose' for similar people. It's usually right, and even if it isn't 100% right, there's no harm in erring on the side of caution, and a risk of severe harm if we end up in the wrong place at the wrong time with a wrong'un. I had a friend who could tell someone had narc traits very early on due to her childhood, and this eventually became clear to me too.

I can sense when a bloke is dodgy sometimes (wish I acted on it more, I'dve avoided some rapes etc.)

As long as it doesn't mean you steer clear of absolutely everyone, it's a healthy defence mechanism.

Perhaps she reminds you of one of disordered parents, the narcissist??

Thank you everyone! It seems unanimous to trust my gut.

Even if she was a 'lovely woman', so what? You dont have to like everyone and you don't need to justify not wanting them in your life.

This made me smile as it’s word for word what my counsellor said and also an older “mother figure” that I have in my life who has really helped me. It’s true. I’m never mean to them but sometimes I just don’t want certain people in my life and that’s ok...I just need to keep telling myself that!

I do struggle with feeling mean or wrong about it...like I’m “prejudiced” or something. There’s certain people who give me this vibe that I literally do not want to know and I won’t give them a chance. And that feels mean. It’s all a bit of a headfuck sometimes!

Trust your gut, always.

I can also have the creeped out/repulsed feeling you describe even with strangers ...I can just sense that something is off.

If you're batshit them I must be a complete basketcase! 😂

Perhaps she reminds you of one of disordered parents, the narcissist??

Yeah, I wracked my brains trying to see if it was that and I don’t think it’s that. She does physically resemble and speak like someone who was actually a good friend growing up who had Schizophrenia (and I later found out she had murdered animals and had fantasies and ideation of murdering her elderly parents). Oddly I felt safe around her! And then the vibe I got is very similar to a university lecturer who I had to do a placement with and felt sick every single day of the placement - she was a very emotionally abusive, horrible person though and it was outwardly quite clear she had decided to target me and one other girl.

So I suppose it could be that “triggering” something off in me.

• I can also have the creeped out/repulsed feeling you describe even with strangers ...I can just sense that something is off.

If you're batshit them I must be a complete basketcase! 😂*

Haha, I know exactly what you mean! I feel like picking up the vibes through the laptop is a whole new level though now and so I am questioning my sanity!

But it's not "just a vibe" - you're picking up on her singling you out, dominating the group and being all Queen Bee and insincere.

Same as PP I don’t think they are “bad vibes” - I think that you are using your specific enhanced emotional radar which has developed from your tragic personal experience.

As you have survived the abuse, neglect and manipulation of multiple personality disordered “care-givers” throughout your childhood you have had to be hyper-vigilant to their overt and covert behaviours for your own safety.

Your urge to flee - is the classic “flight” trauma response because you know (from your own personal experience) that you would never win if you “fight” these types. So you are compelled to escape.

Because you are very familiar with PD traits you can see and sense behaviours and possible danger way before anyone else.

The character on the zoom call would agitate me as well. The fawning, the hogging / dominating, the “charm” offensive alongside the just about under the radar snipes and attempts at humiliating you are classic traits - and your early warning alarm signal, rightly started ringing.

These types also have a fragile ego and IME are also on the look out for anyone who threatens their false narc persona. They also sense that some of us can see through them. They are terrified that we will lift the curtain just a little bit. So they often target to put us in our place.

You have been correct on many occasions - the others you don’t know about. There is no issue with just emotionally / socially withdrawing from someone who unsettles/confuses you - you can just watch and wait. Maybe nothing will come if it, or maybe something will.

Also I can assure you that she is likely pissing off everyone else as well.

Not clear from your post but did this person have a disability? Maybe that’s why you felt guilty having these feelings? If you know that their disability isn’t related to a social or communication issue - then continue to trust your gut.

I have learnt to pan back from people who are too intense or unsettle and confuse me - rather than get drawn in.

I am like this. Not sure there is much you can do but follow your instincts- what is the alternative, try to ignore it?? You'll make yourself sick. Your body wants you out of there, so imo its best to just go.

I had a boss who I just could not be alone in the same room as. I felt, bizarrely, as if he was going to bite me, or punch me, he was just awful but he was a huge favourite of the senior leaders in the company and seemed to be primed for promotion. I spent months reporting to him, feeling as if I were losing my mind, constantly on high alert, backing out of rooms to avoid being around him. He wasn't nice to report to, objectively speaking, but that wasn't the reason I couldn't be around him iyswim. Something was just so so wrong.

He was one day dismissed without warning, everyone was shocked. But years later I found out he had been dismissed from every post he'd had, had been sued by former employers, taken to court for harassment, had even abandoned a family, the stories were crazy but I dont want to out myself too badly.

I grew up in circumstances where I had to keep myself safe. I think i just had to develop certain instincts, and, sadly, learned the hard way when i was wrong. Those lessons stay with you and keep you company for life, i think.

Thank you. It’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling this! I’ve read The Gift of Fear and I know that says about always trusting your instincts but I think, with this person living no where near, not knowing anything about me and just being on a laptop, it really threw me. It was really obvious to me that I couldn’t stay in the group as the feeling was so overwhelming.

In terms of the sort of Disability she has, it’s a physical disability which shouldn’t affect her personality. She normally has a good, executive type of job but obviously can’t do it at the moment due to shielding.

Although, now it’s been brought up two of the people I’ve had this “vibe” from had Epilepsy and I’m wondering if I sometimes wrongly get the feelings around them. It’s maybe something I need to carefully watch out for in case I’m being discriminatory towards people with Epilepsy.

I was just about to suggest reading The Gift of Fear. Brilliant! Always go with you gut!

I agree - go with your gut! Your subconscious is probably trained to pick up very subtle messages which others might not be aware of. Coincidentally, I've just heard a pod cast on Invisibilia about a woman who realised she could detect illness by the way people smellt, and nobody believed her until research proved her right! www.npr.org/transcripts/817977005?t=1595576572610.
Trust yourself, you're doing so well x

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to avoid certain people. Yes, they may be harmless but why force yourself to endure their company if they are irritating?

I wonder if there is anyone you can think of who she reminds you of?

I am like that too OP. I often sense something is not quite right with someone, or may be a little suspicious of them and funnily they have always been the popular colleagues, the ones where most put them on a pedestal. People have auras or energy around them. I know how crazy it sounds but you know how dogs and cats and even some children, sense something is not quite right, even if they haven't experienced anything directly from them? and they recoil or move away from them? It's like that.

I know in my heart that some of these colleagues will get there come uppance someday.

I think you should trust your instincts.

I know how crazy it sounds but you know how dogs and cats and even some children, sense something is not quite right, even if they haven't experienced anything directly from them? and they recoil or move away from them? It's like that.

That makes perfect sense and is really helpful. I don’t think “oooh what a horrible discriminatory dog/cat/baby” I just accept that they can’t settle around that person. And we are all just glorified chimps anyway so why wouldn’t I have quite primal instincts, especially when my childhood has meant I needed to evolve a certain way to keep me safe!

Conversely, I’m known as a bit of a baby/horse/cat whisperer lol. They seem to take to me or settle with me really easy, even really crabby babies or bonkers sheepdogs. Funnily enough I’ve noticed that a lot of my friend’s kids and family children won’t “take” to the people I “take” to and they’ll avoid the same people I feel uncomfortable with. Same with family pets.

Honestly, seeing it that way about it being almost animal instinctual helps me feel less hard on myself.

I meant “won’t take to” the same people I won’t take to.

Discriminatory is absolutely fine in this case.

I mean we're not talking about you presiding at a job interview or deciding this person's fate in court, are we?

We're talking about whether you choose to hang out with them, and in this case, potentially share personal information. You don't owe any random person friendship or time or insight into you.

You're not batshit you're talented as fuck! I'm quite jealous in a way!

This is common, makes sense from a biopsychosocial perspective. Nothing unusual or batshit about it.

Always trust your instincts. We had a dad join the PTA at DS primary school. I had a bad vibe ( hairs on the back of neck type vibe) about him. After a year of over interest in the finances he volunteered for the post of treasurer. He made some odd suggestions, like the PTA buying video equipment to video various events at school and volunteered to take the videos. This was quickly shut down since the school used professional companies for this sort of thing.
Not long after it was discovered he was appropriating PTA funds but more seriously was charged with child abuse (sexual).
Few people were in the know because of safeguarding but he was banned from being on the school site.
Instincts are there for a reason. People give out subtle behavioural signs and is usually no coincidence that you are often right to go by your initial feelings.