When will the gossip stop?

[Ilovebolly]

I’m two years out of a very unhappy marriage, now divorced. When I was married we lived in a small village, the kind of place where everyone knows your business and what they don’t know, they make up. ExH still lives there, I moved with DC about 20 minutes away to a place big enough to be more anonymous. I’m very happy and settled and keep myself to myself.
I was the subject of a lot of small town gossip, especially when my marriage broke down. Some of it was deserved - I was unhappy, was drinking a lot and was involved in some silly behaviour (flirting, getting way too drunk). I absolutely deserved some of the gossip but a lot of it was out of proportion and I was struggling in a very unhappy/emotionally manipulative marriage.
When I moved away I left behind most of my “friends” and only keep in touch with one or two people from my previous life. I’ve deleted social media and live a very quiet life these days, and I’m happy.
The thing is, two years on I still occasionally hear that I’m still the subject of gossip in this small minded village. There’s really nothing to gossip about now, and I can’t help but wonder why people are still talking or even care about what I’m doing after all this time. Can I ever really expect the gossip to stop and how can I rise above it? I’m the first to admit I made mistakes and was involved in some destructive behaviour but I’ve recognised that, turned my life around so why can’t other people just let it go??

Because people, mostly in small villages or communities, have nothing better to do. Or their lives are so boring or horrid they need to think someone else feels worse than them. I come from one of those very small villages and I left as soon as I turned 18.

Only when someone else does something sadly saying that my EX husbands FIRST wife still talks about me we have been divorced for 6 years they have been divorced for 12 he is about to get remarried for the third time too

Because people in villages and small towns have nothing better to do. I grew up in a small village, nothing happens, the same people live there for years. They have nothing to talk about it because nothing happens.

Feel sorry for them that the only thing they’ve got to do is talk about you two years later.

Thank you for the replies. Sounds like I need to just accept that they have nothing else to talk about. It’s just hard to stomach that despite everything I have done to change my life, some people still want to gossip about me. Probably doesn’t help that ExH is still there and despite being a very cold, manipulative man, he has this “pillar of the community” persona and has somehow managed to convince everyone the divorce was a total bolt out of the blue. He was clearly expecting it though - he had been very clever with his money to screw me over! But nobody sees that side and so it’s more fun to make me the bad guy!

They aren't really gossiping about 'you' though are they? It's a convenient picture of you that they've painted, and you've probably taken on some kind of legend status over time. It's like a caricature of you.
People who are bored and small minded often do this, it's like making Corrie come to life or something.
You sound fabulous... I'd be tempted to go back to town head to toe in red, and whip up a bit of a storm for an hour or two.... give the poor loves some entertainment

When me and OH got together it was the talk of the village...17 years later and we still get gossiped about by a few people. I wouldn't mind but we're not that scandalous or exciting.

Nature does abhor a vacuum.

I suffered from this a bit, my town not that small, but there was at least one woman who wanted to find bad stuff to dig up about my life so she could repeat it in a fake concerned way.

I took control of the narrative a bit. On the rare occasions you're late, say ''this is what happens when you're ALWAYS punctual, people think the worst when you're five minutes late!''.

All you can do is show people (slowly) that you're doing better now you're on your own.

It's a slow process. But it works.

Rise above it or plan a suitable revenge in your head but never carry it out.
I threw XH out (for the second and final time) after his second affair. The first was with our au pair.
Long story short, second OW's mother put it about that I had an affair and that was the reason for our split.
This was repeated to my DF, by someone who had it from OW's mother.
OW's mother was supposedly a pillar of the church. I happened to know one of the church wardens very well, and thought about dropping her in the shit up to her eyeballs, but managed to refrain in a dignified manner.
Let them think what they will, and satisfy yourself in living a good life!

I've never lived in a small town or village so I don't know, but I guess its being bored.

Had a child out of wedlock 20 years ago, moved 300 miles away, still the hot topic of conversation

As someone from a small town I can confirm they are still talking about you because small town life is SO BORING that they have nothing else to talk about.

This may seem like weird advice, but I was once in the subject of a lot of gossip and stares, and one thing that helped me was being in a very expansive space - the top of a hill or a high building. Seeing everything look so tiny in the distance made me really feel like I was a speck of dust - that there were millions of other people and thing in the world and if some people were gossiping about me - so what. It sounds really weird but might be worth a go. Made me feel very free.

What might also help is trying to see that these gossiping people are very pathetic if the most exiting thing in their life is your break up!

@mineofuselessinformation you are a big person. I would have told her to go and update anybody she'd given that incorrect gossip to!

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I know it’s only boredom and small minds that are keeping people taking. Out of interest, to the people who have been through similar, did/does the gossip bother you and how do you not let it affect you?

I had some amazing gossip going around about me. It was so out there that I laughed. Ended up spending 2 years "rating it" on originality and total randomness. People do really just make stuff up when they have nothing to do. I know that the people who know me well enough know that's its rubbish. Anybody else i dont really care what they think anymore. It's not important to me.

I fed the gossip by making up ridiculous over the top stories about myself and would creatively plant false juicy nuggets about myself in people's heads...people who had big mouths and small minds.

Before long, no one knew what was true and what was fiction and what was truth.

It may not work, but I had fun and it showed me who I could trust. This is more of a reflection of them than it is of you.

Another strategy I've used is to softly chuckle to myself when certain things in my past were brought up. I never said a word, never tried to explain, and never defended myself. No reaction at all, or just a soft laugh. And then I'd change the subject.

Congrats on your creating a new life for yourself! Enjoy it!

I've never experienced this (not that I know of) as I've not lived in a village etc. Quite frankly I'd be more upset that they'd see the ex as a pillar of the community, rather than my 'bad behaviour'.

I would have nothing but contempt for these kind of people, and certainly wouldn't worry about them now, especially as you're happy and in a good place.

These people do not add any value to your life, so do not give them an ounce of time.

Well done for how far you've come, you don't/didn't need them!

I remember an ex boyfriend of mine who came from the same small town, we split up and he got a new girlfriend. She gossiped about me and slagged me off for no reason at all. I’ve never spoken to the girl in my life! They split up and he got together with her best friend. Small town, everyone sleeps with each other. I just figured her life must be so dull she had nothing else to do.

Just keep reminding yourself thank goodness you don’t still live amongst them! Don’t look back. You don’t need them. Their opinions don’t matter.

Who is telling you about the gossip? Next time you hear any just tell them you'd rather they didnt repeat it, you've moved on and are in a much better place now. If they continue, I'd question their motives! It could be them fanning the flames. I've been there. Some people relish in it.

Unfortunately it seems like it's one of those times where people have got nothing better to do than to gossip about others. As soon as another big event happens like this, you'll soon be forgotten about and they'll start gossiping about someone else.

Unfortunately I've got family members who are like this and this is why we've completed cut them out of our lives now as they've got nothing better to do than to moan and slate off others. The best advice I can give you is to try and just ignore them, although I know it can be hard to do so. I'm always a message away if you want to chat.