DH an alcoholic?

[DrowsyDragon]

Some of you may recognise me from a post the other week about our dying pet and my Dh's mental health. Everything has taken a bit of turn and I am just reeling. He started vomiting on Tuesday night, I thought was gastro/norovirus. By 6am he called NHS Direct who sent him to the GP because of the pain and because his stomach was hard and tender. The GP sent him to hospital where he was diagnosed with acute pancreatitis. He told me it could be caused by gallstones or binge drinking. I was shocked because he never drinks around me. I took my DD to nursery and my mum came over. I remembered that a couple of weeks ago I'd seen him take a swig from a bottle of whiskey I didn't know he had and he had, at first, claimed it was coke. He then said he;d been drinking a bit much to help with his mental health but he would stop right now. Like a fucking idiot, I believed him. THis came back to me yesterday. my DM and I found seven empty bottles of whiskey in the house, one hidden under the couch in this home office, one in the desk and five in the back of kitchen cupboard, including some hidden inside an empty box of soft drink. I'm devastated. My whole view of who he is and our relationship feels like it's collapsed. And I feel so bloody stupid. We've had 'a conversation'. I can;t visit him in hospital because of corona. He claims that he drank this 'over a long time' when I was either busy with our toddler or in bed. That it's not as bad as it looks, that he is now completely repulsed by alcohol and will not touch it again and all he wants is rebuild my 'image of him'. He also claims he's not actually dependent. He didn't actually say sorry at any point I now realise writing this and when I said I felt betrayed said he needed to focus on being in a positive place. This is a pack of lies, isn't it? He believes it now cos he's scared but that's no guarantee he won't do this again next time he gets a set back or stressed - like maybe when I give birth in three months? What the fuck do I do now? I love him, we've been together for so many years, we have beautiful daughter and baby on the way. I've told him he HAS to access support because I don't believe he can stick to it but where do I go from here? How do I trust him again? Can I? I'm just beyond devastated and trying to keep everything normal for DD until I know what to do so just holding it together until she goes to nursery. I've told my best friend and parents so I have some support but I am just bewildered.

Hi @DrowsyDragon, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm not going to dispute what most others have told you. Alcoholics are a pretty dire species and are selfish, deceitful and manipulative BUT they can recover if it's what they truly want. I've been in AA for over 12 years - I'm writing this from a somewhat different angle because I know many, many people who have been sober for anything up to and including 40 years, who have previously been the most desperate alcoholics and some of whom have lost everything.

We say that in order to achieve this, you have to put sobriety where you put alcohol - above everything else. I am sure that there are people out there who have done this by themselves, but I certainly couldn't have done. If your husband is truly serious then I would advocate daily meetings at first, finding a sponsor, working the programme and doing every single thing that is suggested. In some ways it's easier with Zoom meetings as you can join all over the world, at any time of the day or night.

I cannot emphasise enough that he has to want this with real desperation. Anything less won't work in the long term. As well as being a family illness, alcoholism is known as the disease of forgetfulness, because after a short time of not drinking, your mind tells you that it wasn't all that bad, you aren't really an alcoholic and that one drink won't hurt. That's when you ring someone in AA, who understand exactly how you feel and they talk you out of it. That's the theory. I can say with truth that it works if you want it enough.

What was his upbringing like? Has he experienced a trauma?

If he is going dry it would be good to seek therapy for any underlying emotional issues that have triggered his addiction.

@SortingItOut so far so good he is adamant he won’t have even one drink. Which is also what his friend who went sober is encouraging as well. But So FAR is a week so that obviously means nothing in the scheme of things. I keep thinking it’s like having the worst hangover of your life and swearing not to drink again but then it’s Christmas or whatever. It’s hard for me to relate in some ways. I’ve never really been a big drinker and I was sexually assaulted when drunk at Uni so I basically used to drink about three times a year and only with people I trust. Not even that since having my DD. I think the last time I drank was probably my birthday in 2019. What worries me a lot is he is still framing it quite a bit as self medication caused by his depression rather than necessarily an addiction in its own right. I don’t know if that’s right or not. I’m not an expert. I don’t even know if the two can be separated. He also gave an account of what he’s been up to. Apparently once a month or so, he would get really down/stressed and have “a couple of fingers” of spirits. He’s also lost his appetite with depression so it seems likely his tolerance went down and it all married up. That matches with his physical state but again I have to try and be skeptical.

@AFitOfTheVapours you might have guessed that I don’t want to see what you are saying but I think I must. I will look at counselling support but right now I do feel very clear in my own mind that he gets one shot at this. I love him but I saw how freaked out DD was just by his absence and hospital stay this week, if he cannot keep this together, if he’s wrong about depression being the principle cause he is NOT putting her in danger and scaring her. The last thing I want is him to be sick like this and to break my marriage. I’ve loved him for a very long time and I still do but she has to come first. I’m trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

@Lobsterquadrille2 thanks so much for your honesty and good luck to you. There is a lot of food for thought there that I will be taking seriously.
@Sssloou
His parents are...some of the most emotionally illiterate people I have ever met. They did things like fight appalling and wake DH and his sibling up in the middle of the night to tell them they were divorcing before deciding to say together. They announced a divorce in the build up to our wedding and then called it off. They are still together but no longer share a room. He calls her a fat cow, she calls him a stupid bastard. I don’t get them at all. DH’s sibling has bipolar disorder and still lives at home. MIL is really struggling and refusing to accept some of this cos DH is the “good son”. MIL also once sent DH a birthday card in the same envelope as the dvd and order of service from his grandfather’s funeral - they live in the Southern Hemisphere.

He also has a long history of being “the functional one” in his friends - lots of mental illness, gender identity stuff, one died froman OD. so I do think there is a lot of past catching up with him. I don’t know. I don’t want to walk away from him. It’s like getting my old partner back this week and I love him so much. I know, I know what a cliche the guilty spouse is being lovely. I just hope that if he can’t fix this I have the true put to our DD Which is why I keep saying this. Affirmations and everything.

He’s contacted a NHS referral service for drinking support and they should do therapy referrals as well. We shall see. Been alarmed by how many of you mentioned daily meetings, that’s not something he is doing I am worried. Sometimes I think actual infidelity would be easier. It would be so clear cut. He’d be a lying liar who betrayed my trust but he’d be safe around our kids. But this, is he sick? Should I have seen it and stopped it some how. Trying to decide if he will be safe around out kids. It’s just soul destroying.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?.

You say an affair is worse but his primary relationship is with alcohol and that is a cruel mistress.

I fear you are falling into the sunken costs fallacy trap and that basically causes good people like you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

I would still choose to save your own self and your children here. For him the alcohol always comes first, that is what his primary relationship is with. It’s not with you and it’s never been with you either. He should remain with you in the family home now in any event, he should be living elsewhere.

His alcoholism is no reflection on you as a person but you are and will continue to be dragged down by him and his long standing alcohol problem. Also alcohol is a depressant and he is self medicating.

What do you want your children to remember about their childhoods?
This is no legacy to leave them.

You may still love him op but love is not enough here. Nowhere near enough.

Your children need a functional parent and that is you here, not him. You have a choice still re this man, they do not and they are reliant on your good judgment.

We've got several alcoholics in the family.

You're slap bang in the "convincing yourself that he's been found out and will stop" phase right now.

The reality is that you're in a relationship with someone who is an expert at lying to you, as well as themselves.

It's never going to be happy ending, no mind how hard you try to convince yourself it will be. I hope you find the strength to protect your kids from this, if not yourself.

So many questions whirring round, you must be reeling. Take some time for yourself if you can.

It’s probably likely that his drinking started off as self-medication but has turned into something very different now and I think it’s vital that you separate the two things out.

One: his depression needs help. Alcohol very often stops anti-depressants from working properly. You’ll find lots about this if you google it.

Two: from what you have said, he’s a good way gone into alcoholism territory and went past the point at which he could reverse a long tome ago. There is no reverse from here. He has been hiding bottles, and prob for a long tome- that’s serious. You’ll know in your heart that no one does that unless they have an addiction. He has been hiding the drinking from you but has also been trying to hide it from himself.

It’s good that he’s gone to support services. Did he do that for himself or did the hospital nudge him to it? I’m afraid I think you’re right to be concerned by PPs mention of daily meetings and him not doing that.

Getting out of addiction is very hard. There are amazing people around who have done it amd managed to stay sober in the long term. I’m sure most would tell you they were desperate by the tome they sought help and daily meetings are nothing if you are desperate to get well. Unfortunately, there are many more people who never get on top of it.

Sadly, addiction services on the NHS are not brilliantly funded and if he truly wants to get well, he’ll need to be really proactive and go and find help for himself. There really Is no excuse- he could find multiple meetings a day on zoom if he wanted.

If I were you, I think I’d make daily meetings and finding a sponsor part of your terms.

Please, please, please don’t doubt yourself. When you say “should I have seen it and stopped it” the answer is a big loud NO! You have no control whatsoever over this.m, either before, now or in the future. Alanon advocates the three C’s: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Cure it and I can’t Control it.

Re your dc’s, I really understand how hard it is to come to terms with the fact your h is not the responsible dad you wanted to be able to rely on. let me put it this way: your h is an alcoholic. Would you leave your kids with a childminder you knew to be an alcoholic?
Are your dc’s at school? School will consider this a safeguarding risk. They will be very supportive if you explain what is going on and are able to reassure them that you are taking the right steps. My dc’s school have been so supportive, so please don’t hesitate to share with them. However, if you continue to let him look after the dc alone and to drive them, they will have no choice but to take action.

I absolutely don’t say this to frighten and upset you. People will be really supportive of you if you are both taking the right steps.

I’ll shut up now, because I’m going on and on! If you want to ask anything, there are loads of us on here who have been in a similar position, so ask away.

Sorry, realised you said your dd is at nursery, not school, but the same thing applies. Good luck

Agree with all of what has been said by others, and every word of AFitOfTheVapours.

I was where you are in January, OP. We had 8 blissful weeks where my exDP was sober. I often cried happy tears and often said things like 'it's watching my best friend be reborn". By April they had a significant relapse and we have finally separated, after me knowing deep down for about 2 years (of a 12 year relationship) that it was coming, and 10 months of hell.

Alcoholics CAN recover, but please keep your eyes wide open that they are in the minority. The risk of relapse esp in year one are HIGH. I hope all goes well for you, but please be aware this may be the calm before the actual storm.

I do feel for you, OP.