Apologies for long post. NC for this as am on MN a fair bit.
I'm really struggling and have been for quite a while, not knowing what to do to help myself. Am 48 years old, and never had a 'real' relationship - only flings and a few times have been the target of abusive men. In my teens I was raped at a party, and then in my twenties I was sexually assaulted a number of times. For the past ten years I haven't even tried to have a relationship, except for one man I met online who was very controlling and even though we never met up in person, we talked every day for a year and he absolutely messed with my head. In a way, it was a good thing, as it finally enabled me to see the abusive dynamic clearly.
My mum was (and is, I suppose) not a very nice person. When I was a child she told me many times she didn't love me, and she lied to me about some very important things. She tried to convince me that I had brain damage and that I wasn't like other people.
I have struggled all my life with relationships of all kinds. I now don't have contact with my mum, but many in my family have broken contact with me over this because they think I should 'get over it'. My siblings are all a bit messed up by our upbringing, but I was the scapegoat and main target, and still to this day, they blame me for being upset and 'sensitive' rather than look to mum and her behaviour.
In the past, I have travelled a fair bit and tended to stay only a few years in one place. I have some good friends but they are scattered around the country. I've been in this city now for the last nearly ten years, rent a lovely flat and have a reasonably good job. I enjoy the part of my job (in education) which involves talking to people, as I'm quite an outgoing and extrovert person, but I also had a few experiences of bullying at work which left me feeling disillusioned and demoralised. I think I need a new job/career but I don't really have many skills and while I have paid off all my student loans and am debt-free, I don't have any savings or assets.
I've also not managed to make friends here. Even work colleagues who are kind and friendly don't tend to be in touch outside work. During lockdown I felt very alone - the only people asking after me were friends who are living hundreds of miles away. Then when lockdown was lifted, and everyone was rushing to see their loved ones, I realised that no one was rushing to see me. In some ways, lockdown was easier because at least there was no expectation that I would be seeing people, but now we can see friends and loved ones, it's a stark realisation that I don't have any.
I am successful in some areas of my life, e.g. I am a published author and reviewer. But even that feels empty and pointless these days. I feel like I have fundamentally failed at life. I didn't necessarily want the whole husband/kids/mortgage experience, but I did want to be part of relationships and community and to have people around that I feel close to. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I can't seem to achieve this. I wonder if my mum was right all along, and there is just something about me that is too damaged.
I don't know what I want from life. I feel stuck where I am now, with no community, family or friends - but I don't know how to change. I've tried everything to make friends here, joining groups and even starting them, but although people are nice and I get on with lots of people, it never seems to graduate to actual friendship. I think I am quite a cheerful, kind, positive and funny person - and sometimes I wonder if part of my problem is that people assume I'm all sorted.
I don't know if I should move somewhere else where I'm closer to friends/family, or whether I'm just going to be bringing my problems with me. Also I keep thinking it would be dumb to leave my relatively okay job in the middle of pandemic/recession. I think I need a different perspective but I'm struggling to find it and am starting to feel a bit desperate. During lockdown I spent a lot of time high/stoned just to try and escape myself for a while. I know it doesn't help in the long run but I feel so lost and out of ideas.
So I'm turning to the wise women of mumsnet! Any advice is welcome. Thanks to anyone who got to the end of this very long post!