Falling out of love after baby

[Jr9901]

My and my husband had our daughter 6 months ago and as much as it’s the best thing I’ve ever done and I love her to bits, it’s hit the relationship very hard.

I think our problems started when trying to conceive and into the pregnancy...my husband has always had trouble ‘finishing’ in bed so trying to conceive was very stressful for us both and the added pressure of having to ‘finish’ inevitably made things worse. It made sex very procedural and not fun for either of us..fortunately I got pregnant quickly.

During the pregnancy, despite wanting children, my husband freaked out massively and was generally not very emotionally supportive and caused me a lot of stress when already in a very vulnerable position. He couldn’t get excited about anything, hated me talking about baby stuff, was miserable when he found out she was a girl, didn’t show consideration (e.g asking me to help move a huge chest of drawers?!) and we nearly split up a few times as I felt so let down by him. In his defence, I was very sensitive and hormonal and not easy to live with either! He also had no interest in sex as soon as I started showing so I felt very unattractive and it drove further distance between us.

When our daughter was born fortunately his worries were for nothing and he did fall in love with her straight away. He has been pretty good with her and quite hands on but not without being miserable and complaining about everything constantly...she’s been a pretty bad sleeper (up every 2 hours for months) and because of this we’ve slept in separate rooms so he can function for work. He gets a full night sleep every night then complains of being tired as I ask him to take her from 6-8am to give me a bit of extra sleep. It’s so frustrating to hear how tired he is!! We’ve had sex (barely) once since she was born and we didn’t in later pregnancy so it’s been so long. I just feel like I can’t remember why we got together, I feel resentful towards him and don’t fancy him at all because we’re not getting on. I’ve also gone to massive effort to lose the baby weight and look good and he’s just let him self go and doesn’t seem to care how he looks anymore.

I find him very negative and critical of everything I do, he doesn’t consider how absolutely shattered I am and expects me to be perfect. We had a huge row this morning because I’d slept 10 mins past my 2 hour 6-8 window, he woke me up from a deep sleep screaming at me and I was totally disoriented..I’d already been in tears this morning because of hourly wakings last night before this happened but he shows no consideration or kindness.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how much of this is normal / amplified by sleep deprivation. I also dread the thought of adding more stress and hardship to my life right now by leaving him, I don’t have the energy for things to get any harder.

When you go to the loo in maternity hospitals there are always little stickers on the door advising phone numbers to call if your husband is abusing you, because a lot (not all) of abuse starts during pregnancy (because you are very vulnerable). You are still vulnerable as you are caring for an infant. Your husband is abusive. I would have a read of Lundy Bancroft. I would also google narcissistic personality types (not saying your husband has NPD but most abusers are a bit and they generally follow a pattern). Start confiding in friends. I feel you are confiding in people on the internet as you feel ashamed. That is what your husband is banking on, you feeling too ashamed to tell anyone how badly he treats you. He knows what he is doing. He is not depressed. He is not anxious. He is an abusive asshole. Talk to a counsellor (one who deals with domestic abuse) and make a plan. Even if you decide to stay for a little while, it's good to have techniques to cope with his irrational behaviour. I wish you luck.

OP - MN is often very quick with throwing around labels, like abuse, I find. And I also don’t think it’s that helpful.
What you describe is not uncommon. It is stressful and affects the relationship when TTC puts pressure on sex that has been problematic as is. It is also stressful when the baby is young - and especially when they are bad sleepers. All of that puts enormous pressures on any relationship. And stress and tiredness doesn’t bring the best out of people.
However - explanation of why it is like this doesn’t help much, does it.

So - I think in your place - I’d first figure out how to get more help. This is the most pressing immediate need. Lack of sleep, especially over extended period is torture. I have been there.

I don’t know what you can do - parents, friends, outsourcing - but you need a little break now and then.
And - your H - probably is quite tired just as well - and I presume he is working full time to support you. So, I am not sure if asking him for more help is fair or possible.

Next - it is clear you have fallen into a bad pattern in your relationship and it won’t just get better on its own. I don’t think it can be addressed/fixed now while you are in the most difficult part of the childrearing. Or at least not easily.
Tired people can’t really hear the other.

It may be that the relationship is broken, or maybe it can be fixed. If both people make an effort. And are open to communication and making effort/changes.

For now - just focus on surviving - the first year in the baby’s life is the hardest for all and the biggest adjustment to any relationship. And then you can take stock and decide what to do.
Leaving now won’t solve anything and, most importantly, would only make it harder for you.

Everything seems horrific with broken sleep.

Have you considered sleep training baby? We did at six months with ferber method and it changed our life and marriage (moved him into his own room at the same time). Everything is much easier to work on, we have more time together and space and energy for intimacy. Broken sleep for months on end really takes most couples to breaking point.

I suggest you sleep when the baby is sleeping whether it is during the night or daytime. As you are still on maternity leave I am assuming you can sleep with the baby during the day, forget the housework etc just sleep.
Yes, having a new baby is hard...for both parents. You do have a sensible arrangement in that your dh can get an interupted nights sleep as he does not have the option of naps during the day as you do.
Do what you have to do to get through it, it will pass, then you will have time to re-evaluate your realtionship and see if your feelings change.

Having a child was the end for my relationship with my sons dad,it just showed what a useless, selfish prick he realy was. Some men just arent cut out to be fathers or husbands.