I can't get over this friendship

[sand2345]

7 years ago I met a girl and we were inseparable. We had so much fun as friends and spent a lot of our day together as we were on the same course. We lived together for 2 years. In the last 7 months we lived together I developed severe depression, I didn't want to go out as much.

My friend was very busy with her course but I still felt as if we were great friends. She was always a great listener and listened to me when I was feeling really down. I was in a toxic relationship with a guy I can only identify as abusive in hindsight.

My friend and I had a lot of fun up until the last day we lived together, I hid my depression every day and forced a smile. When she eventually left that house (she finished course a year before me) she moved to a different city and, she hasn't spoken to me since. I was such a fool, I went for another year still believing we were great friends and sent lots of messages asking her to Skype and what are we going to do for her birthday etc. The penny only really dropped when I saw photos on Facebook of her birthday party with all our friends in the city I lived in and she didn't invite me. At this point I went over all my last messages to her and realized all her replies we're 'I'm busy' 'i'm very busy right now' when I had written her paragraphs. I felt so alone in the world. There was no drifting apart in the last few months of any indication she was planning on going silent. She was a great communicator and always on top of replies.

Now I have new wonderful friends and I have recognized she wasn't a very good friend but it has haunted me not knowing the exact reason she cut me off and at what point that was. I no longer share any problem with a friend or ask for any help or favours over a fear of being rejected. I don't think of her a lot but I notice she crops up a lot in my dreams at night, so subconsciously I am not over it. I would rather she ripped off the band aid and unfriended me on the spot all those years ago with an explanation. I could have got over that. I felt so much trauma over the years feeling humiliated, embarrassed, angry, confused and alone. I was so desperate for her to care as much as I did.

I don't want her in my life again but I can't seem to get over what happened. I feel I need closure. I felt so vulnerable telling her everything and feeling as if she was on my side and I feel so stupid.

Has anyone had anything similar and how did you get over it?

Maybe she felt it was one sided because she always was helping you with your problems and maybe she just wanted you to ask how she was. You shouldn’t stop telling people things, just be aware of the impact on them.

Get the closure that you need. Drop her a message and explain you were thinking about her and ask her outright. You have absolutely nothing to lose, because if she doesn’t reply you’re no worse off. I don’t think you shouldn’t not speak to other people about issues, because that’s what friends are for :)

Give it a go, but just remember it could be a tough pill to swallow if she does reply 🙂

This happened to me but it was a male friend and we weren't flatmates. In hindsight he was slowly edging away for about 6 months or more before he finally ghosted me. It's been 18 months since I last heard from him, he just stopped talking to me and replying to my messages. It was horrible and still hurts like mad, I think about him a lot but like you, the damage is done and I would struggle to have any kind of friendship with him after all that even if he was interested, which he isn't.

I have no advice but loads of sympathy. It really, really hurts. I think what was hardest about it was that in our culture which prizes romantic relationships above all, there is not much airtime given to people experiencing agonising friend-breakups or ghosting. It hurts SO much but people expect you to shrug and move on.

I genuinely don't think I will ever have a friend like that again, we were friends for around 7 years. The main reason. am so sure I won't have a friendship like it is that I am now too scared to be that vulnerable and trusting with another friend in the future. Which sucks.

However good you think you are at hiding depression it can still be picked up on, she may not of known the reason but it's quite possible you weren't yourself.

People have can different perspectives of what you're really like, maybe you acted or said something she didn't like, but if she was a true friend then she would of always been there for you.

I understand depression can be overbearing. I have helped friends through it and been quite selfless and understanding but drew healthy boundaries. I find it really sad she didn't even attempt to try and maintain the friendship especially when I got better.

@LouiseTrees maybe she did, but what really hurts is that I came out of it very soon after and she was not interested in giving it a second chance. She could have gone through the most difficult time and I know for sure I would have been there for here the whole way.

@Tiffbiff she blocked me everywhere, the only way I can do this is by email. But somehow I do feel I have a lot of lose. If I send it it will play on my mind. If she doesn't reply I will feel even more foolish. I literally have nothing to say to her, the only thing I want to hear is that she cares. And she really doesn't.

@RhubarbTea I totally agree with you thank you for sharing your story. I feel the same. I can't be honest with anyone now. I fear rejection if I share any difficulty. It is truly agonizing and I do feel trauma and haven't gotten over it, and no-one can understand why I can't let go.

@Crystalspider I know I wasn't myself, but she knew who I was really and there was no level of caring. I have helped friends who haven't been themselves. I have listened to them and been a friend. As long as I'm not their emotional crutch I am honestly honoured to be that person. I really thought this girl would be there for me and I am most hurt that I don't think she really thought twice about it. It's very confusing when everything I knew and loved about her pointed towards her being this amazing, understanding and caring person. Her reaction is so out of character

It may not be angst ridden as you're imagining. Some people aren't good at carrying friends over from different places or different times. They move on, make new friendships and drop others along the way.
I also wouldn't put too much weight on her appearing in your dreams. Psychologists would say the dreams aren't about her at all but about the feelings evoked in the dream. So something else in your life is making you feel uncertain and insecure atm. Or you're worried that you are missing layers or messages in something that is currently happening.

I know this may sound harsh and uncaring, but when you are dealing with someone on a daily basis who has depression, it can be really draining and detrimental to your own mental health/wellbeing. Perhaps she just couldn't cope with it anymore. I'd leave it alone and wouldn't contact her as you've tried many times in the past. Glad you're in a better place yourself now.

Sometimes these very intense friendships just burn themselves out eventually. There’s no way you can keep up that intensity for life, so sometimes you just have to accept that they were exactly what you need at that moment in your life, but they weren’t meant to be with you forever.

I had a really intense friendship, I worked two jobs with the same girl, we house shared (with some other people too), spent all our free time together, partied together, everything. Until one day when everyone’s contracts on the house we’re drawing to a close and the whole friendship just imploded.

We were quite unkind and immature to each other (online) for a few years after that. Until on a night out we randomly bumped into each other, spent about 4 hours non stop chatting in the smoking area, like we’d never been apart, got through about 30 fags between us and caught up. We had both moved on with our lives to stages where we couldn’t restart that intense a friendship but have kept a friendly online friendship since then. We talk a lot via IG and I feel nothing but warmth and respect for her, even though we now live very far apart.

Maybe it’s just not the right time, just let it go for now. Perhaps she’s appearing in your dreams because your brain and body want you to process your own feelings about it and make peace with it? If you had a dream about an ex boyfriend, would you assume that meant you had to contact them? I don’t think you would.

This happened to me in my twenties. Very similar circumstances. It hurt like hell for a long time. In reflection, I think there is a grieving process when you lose this kind of close friendship.

If she was such a good friend, she would have invited you to her birthday. It must be very painful for you now - be kind to yourself, you have been through a tough time already

I might be wrong but I think she could be in your dreams because you miss her and feel the loss of your closeness. You are yearning for her friendship. It’s so so tough.

Oh yes and the humiliation, shame etc - I so remember those feelings. I was embarrassed of being so vulnerable to my friend.

Keep focussing on your future - you have conquered depression so you must be quite amazing.

You need to move on I think & focus on finding new friends. She actually sounds helpful and supportive.

She was always a great listener and listened to me when I was feeling really down. I was in a toxic relationship with a guy I can only identify as abusive in hindsight.

This is where things went wrong I believe. Did you ever ask how she was or were things based on you talking to her and her listening to your problems? It can be quite frustrating when someone refuses to leave such a toxic relationship. I obviously don't know for sure but I imagine you used to bend her ear about said relationship but then stay with him?

To survive a friendship needs to benefit both people. There will be times when one needs more support. But it's exhausting to constantly be the one offering comfort.

In my experience, most friendships, however close you may seem, are based on similarity of circumstance - working together, living together, studying together, being new parents at the same time etc. Once that similarity ends or loses relevance, you find there isn't much beneath and you drift apart. You may still enjoy an occasional nostalgic catch up or exchange of news, or you may lose contact altogether. Either way, it's just one of those things.

Sorry you're going through these feelings.

I wouldn't contact someone who did that to me. From your description it sounds as though you could have been quite heavy to be friends with in that period, depression plus toxic relationship don't sound much fun. This might have got too much, especially if the other party is either very selfish or very caring. But to never tell you and to ghost you is very hard and I wouldn't give someone the satisfaction of revisiting that.

In my twenties I was once very aggrieved with how I was treated, but in hindsight I was at fault. I had to re-evaluate myself.

I guess what I am thinking is, it doesn't really matter what their view of you is, it matters what your view of you is - so I would say speak to someone, like a counsellor, to help you get your head round it. This is much safer than reaching out to someone who has hurt you before.

Also, given you were in a toxic relationship at that time, it is possible this relationship was also toxic, in a different and less obvious way. So maybe fresh eyes on the whole thing would help.

But somehow I do feel I have a lot of lose. If I send it it will play on my mind. If she doesn't reply I will feel even more foolish. I literally have nothing to say to her, the only thing I want to hear is that she cares. And she really doesn't.

You've got it figured out yourself op.

However I wouldn't presume she absolutely doesn't care a not, just that she's decided doesn't want to pursue a friendship/keep one going, for whatever reasons best known to herself.

If the friendship was full on, maybe she feels that's the only kind of friendship you can do (or you two can do together) and she has no.option of a minimal, touch base style friendship so it's all or nothing and she doesn't want "all".

She probably did t want to explain it and talk about it in depth because she thought it would become contentious, bitter, stressful etc. As these things often do.

But it looks like she's firmly made up her mind and there's no point in running after her or hounding her for closure. As you say she may ignore it a d you'll feel worse.

Also I do think, as sine posters have mentioned, that many many people see friendships as circumstances- based a d don't really invest in them. I'm not like that and it tooj me a long time to realise that; a d I thought it was bit cold and self serving and shallow etc when I did realise, but that's the way many people are.

Have you had any therapy? That sounds so intense OP. In the kindest possible way, listening to someone talk about themselves on repeat is incredibly challenging, regardless of the circumstance and sometimes it can end a relationship. It doesn't mean she wasn't a good friend, it sounds like she went above and beyond for you, and then the friendship ended. Honour what you had and find emotional closure for yourself. You don't need to contact her, you need to ask yourself why you were asking so much from her and why it continues to haunt you as you have now lost trust. We can not be there continually for someone else on a emotional level like you were demanding. It becomes too intense. She needed to move on but it sounds like you haven't yet. Please try and talk this through with someone who will help you widen your scope about it a bit.

Thank you for all your replies and kindness. I know a lot of your thoughts to be true.

I think she is justified entirely to not be my friend any more if she felt it was intense or too much. But I can't get over the way she did it. I feel it is so cruel and uncaring.

@Perfectstorm12 I have had extensive therapy and am now in a great place with great friends and have 'moved on' or so it would seem. But I just can't seem to let go despite being very happy. I also don't know what I need to be able to let it go. I would love an acknowledgement from her that it was cruel to dump me like that, but I'm not going to get that.

I also didn't talk about my depression a lot at all, I masked it, but occasionally when I was really down I may share with her how I was feeling. I don't think I was hard to live with but I don't think I was the most pleasant to live with either. I understand this maybe a lot to deal with and I wasn't perfect at all. But it's hard to feel like she dumped me without a second thought and blocked me on platforms. Maybe it't the realisation that the worst version of myself is so undesirable that those I love most will just drop me.

It's played on my mind that our friendship was fake for so much longer than I realized and that when I thought we were great friends she was just waiting for the contract to end. It's sad to think I really opened up during this period and told her how unbelievably lucky I was to have her.

I would have liked to have thought a friend would have helped me and encouraged me to see help, and discussed boundaries if needed. I have done that for others.

@GilbertMarkham She has stayed friends with everyone but me.

This isn't true at all 'Maybe it't the realisation that the worst version of myself is so undesirable that those I love most will just drop me.' Please be kind to yourself over this.
I hear you on believing you have masked it, but I honestly don't think we do as good a job as we think we do when we say that. I have been in your situation and now looking back I am painfully aware that I was asking too much of my friend. And she became overwhelmed by me, becuase I couldn't stop offloading on her. Ironically, or maybe not, I am now in the position of your friend. I have listened, listened, nodded, tried to be kind, tried to support, thought we were friends, and now feel like she is about the last person I want to see or hear from. I feel incredible guilt for this, but I also can't see how I can have the frank conversation that you are reasonably asking for in this post. She is so defensive and guarded and won't accept how anxious she is, she just dumps it on me over and over. The reason I am saying this is because I feel shit in this situation too. As angry as you feel towards your friend, she has her reasons for doing this, and you may never find out. The only point of power you have right now is to accept that it didn't work, accept that there were faults on both sides, and attempt to move on. It is painful and hard, but not all relationships work out. Sorry.

thank you @Perfectstorm12

I really don't think it was obvious how empty I was all the time, and I certainly didn't off load every day.

But if this was the case in all honesty I would have preferred for her to say 'I don't have the emotional space to help you right now,' or ' I feel our relationship is one sided and I don't want to share my problems with you because I know your struggling, but I also can't take on your problems because I have my own, it is too much for me'

I may have been confused, angry and upset short term, but I wouldn't be here all these years later feeling like this.

OP, I'm sorry you are hurting.

But I have been the friend in what sounds like a vaguely similar situation.

We were friends, then flatmates. Over the years we lived together she was in an on-off relationship with a complete wanker who treated her badly and who, when he was around, behaved appallingly in our house. She had no boundaries with her other friends or family and as a result, the way they acted and treated our home was a never ending source of stress to me, particularly as she was a very "helpless" person so even when she saw the behaviour, she would do nothing (eg, a friend who was supposed to stay for 2 weeks not only stayed for 6 weeks but constantly left our house in a mess. Including the day she moved out. My "friend" had got up before me and gone away for the weekend, leaving the unbelievable mess her friend had left for ME to clean up when I got up. Another time, her family stayed in our flat (my bedroom) while I was away. With my permission. But my bedroom was not cleaned, nor was the bathroom, on my return).

She would keep me up all hours of the day and night crying and wailing about this man.... then promptly take him back when he turned up next.

She also never had any money so I would pay extra for stuff, and yet as it turned out, she'd been saving the entire time we lived together. She also literally counted every jar of herb, tin of baked beans etc when we moved out and had a meltdown when she thought that I was taking the bigger pile (I wasn't. I'd left all communal stuff for her and only took the stuff she didn't eat).

The point is that by the end, I wanted nothing to do with her. To this day, I don't think she was or is a bad person. But it was exhausting. The friendship was entirely one way and I genuinely believe she didn't mean it to be and that she wanted to be a better friend, but she just didn't have the emotional tools to do so. It was too much for me. The only time I have seen or spoken to her since was at the occasional group event.

Don't contact her. You're making her responsible for your feelings and she isn't and she doesn't owe you anything. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true.

I had a similar situation whereby I was ‘dumped’ by a friend. She moved away, about 30 minutes drive away, and I made an effort to visit her about once a month. We’d had babies at the same time, went to the same mother and toddler groups, used to go out for coffee etc.so I thought was a good friend. Suddenly I realised she was always busy, her sister was calling around etc, and I gradually got the hint. I since found out she dropped another mutual friend.

It does hurt, especially if there’s no obvious reason. The babies will be 21 this year, and I sometime google to see if I can see what they are up to. I sometimes wonder if the husband was controlling.

Maybe just send a friendly text along the lines of of “ haven’t seen you for ages, do you fancy catching up for a coffee’ type message.

@BlingLoving thank you for sharing but this was not like my abusive relationship. She really liked my EX and I had no idea at the time what he was like- he had conditioned me to make me think I was lucky to have him. He was subtly emotionally and sexually manipulative, but so charismatic that no-one else would know. One friend mentioned to me something was off, but this friend didn't pick up and I never discussed it with her.

@Standrewsschool I tried that for 2 years a got 'I'm busy' all the time when she answered - she won't be interested now and I have nothing to say to her. I just have no idea why I can't let this go. I feel as if she has some control over me still.