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Original poster

Is it time to let go?

28 replies

Isreeh · 22/07/2020 17:31

Hi everyone.

I need some advice, I got married in 2017 and the following year my husband I had IVF treatment which lead to a pregnancy. Unfortunately I had a awful miscarriage at 10 weeks and went into a slight depression. My husband did not understand and felt isolated from me, he ended up having an affair soon after the miscarriage. He left me in at the start of 2019 to be with this other woman but it has not worked out well for them. Apparently she mentally abuses him but he is caught up in her manipulation and struggles to break free by not completely cutting all ties with her.
My question is I am 46 years old, no children and this is my second marriage but we are still separated. Would it be wrong for me to ask him to do IVF treatment as he also wants a child? We have his sperm sample still at the clinic so its easy. I am feeling lonely and this is pretty much my last chance for trying to have a family of my own. My close friends and family think I should divorce him and move on. But after what has happened I have low self esteem to start again and fear I will meet more time wasters in the future. Maybe its also desperation from my side to not loose him completely but i know he is no longer the man I once loved and married. There are pro's and cons to this situation but I wanted to get a feel if other people agree with my friends and family.
Thanks xx

OP posts:
Sillymee · 22/07/2020 17:53

I think it depends on what it is you want here. If it’s two people who have loved and cared for each other before and want to have a child
Together and co-parent, and if you see this as like
Your last chance then I would say why not. I would be crystal clear from the get go about how it would work with the child as they get older ( what days he would have the baby, the financial side of things etc). However, if you are
Planning on getting back with him to have the baby I wouldn’t say it sounds like a great idea. This relationship already failed, and the pressure that children bring Certainly doesn’t help a relationship, and also you would never trust him again. What if in a year or two you met the love of your life, do you feel like you would feel disappointed that you hadn’t waited for him? All the best x

BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 17:57

I think if you go ahead with this you have to steel yourself for being a single parent. It sounds like even if your ex does agree, his gf won't be happy about it, she may make him refuse (if he tells her about it), and co-parenting will become a minefield with her in the mix.

Sugartitties · 22/07/2020 18:15

go for it op!

whatever happens with the relationship you will still have your child and you’ll probably walk away from him because you’ll want the best for your child and you’ll see everything with such clarity once your baby is in your arms Flowers

fuck him and go for what you want!

Original poster
Isreeh · 22/07/2020 19:32

@Sugartitties; half of me does think it’s better to be selfish because he has been for a long time with the OW. Can you imagine the affair starting in the first year of marriage! It’s been a complete nightmare and still he makes me jump through hoops as he knows I want a child. He’s actually changed as a person since being with her. Apparently her ex husband was abusive so now she’s become abusive to my DH. Putting all that aside I just want a child and he can do one! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Isreeh · 22/07/2020 19:36

@BurtsBeesKnees, yeah she broke up my new marriage and is abusive to me. It’s all my husbands fault for getting involved with her. She’s said mean things about me Including I’m baron which is probably due to my DH sharing personal information. I know it would make things difficult but I don’t want her in my potential baby’s life. X even to this day I cannot understand women who break up marriages. -

OP posts:
Original poster
Isreeh · 22/07/2020 19:37

@Sillymee it’s hard as I am stuck in my decision. X

OP posts:
Lickmylegs0 · 22/07/2020 20:08

Do you have frozen embryos - or just his sperm? At 45, the clinic asked me to have my FSH levels tested first, to see if using my own eggs was possible.

BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 20:11

With what you’ve said in mind op, I’d just go with a sperm doner if that’s an option

Greengrapes1357 · 22/07/2020 20:37

Can you not just use a sperms doner? It will mean no potential conflict.
Slightly different circumstances but my ex left me for another woman when I was 18 weeks following fertility treatment. I went on to have a second pregnancy using doner sperm.

category12 · 22/07/2020 20:42

You could ask, as long as you're not expecting a yes or to end up getting back together.

Could you use donor sperm and still go ahead, if he refuses his own sample?

category12 · 22/07/2020 20:42

If you don't want his current partner involved in your life, you'd be far far better getting on with the divorce and using donor sperm.

ChristmasFluff · 22/07/2020 21:06

Having a child with this man will tie you into him and his drama.

Sperm donor is way preferable.

Original poster
Isreeh · 23/07/2020 00:32

Thanks all for your advice. I have no frozen eggs so the plan was to use a donor egg with my husband sperm. If I decide to go alone it would be a double donor and I’d have to be a single parent. It’s a hard decision but I know my DH is making things hard and this women will always be in the background. How do I become strong enough to walk away and take back control of my life? I’ve realised I don’t love him anymore for all the heartache he’s put me through. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Isreeh · 23/07/2020 00:34

@Greengrapes1357 I’m so sorry! X that just sounds awful. I hope you can offer me some positive advice about going it alone x

OP posts:
Original poster
Isreeh · 23/07/2020 00:38

@category12 @ChristmasFluff since being with the other woman he’s become arrogant and blames me for the affair. That’s just crazy after I had a bad MC on my own in the middle of a high street. I was bleeding heavy and suffered for days. He doesn’t take anything I went through into account. I believe his excuse is lame to have an affair. X

OP posts:
Rebeccasmoonnecklace · 23/07/2020 00:47

OP, have you considered having counselling to help you come to terms with the end of your marriage? This may be able to provide you with the strength you need to distance yourself from your DH and raise your self-esteem levels.

Personally if I was in your position I would be inclined to go down the donor sperm route as well. The situation with your DH's current partner does not sound good and I didn't feel comfortable reading that he still makes you jump through hoops. I would not want a person who had treated me so appallingly in my life. I know it's difficult, but you deserve so much more.

Flowers
category12 · 23/07/2020 07:34

Of course he has no excuse to have an affair. But you're deluded if you think she's changed him. He is the one who has chosen to treat you like crap. He has no respect for you.

category12 · 23/07/2020 07:37

Because he knows he's treating you badly, he has chosen to believe you deserve it. That way he doesn't have to feel bad about what he's done. He hasn't changed as a person, this was always there, just never directed at you before.

Arrivederla · 23/07/2020 07:44

Cut both of these awful people completely out of your life. Do not do anything which would mean you have ties with them for the rest of your life; having a child with someone (even in this way) is the biggest tie there is.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2020 08:03

Do not have this awful mans child.
Do not ever consider it further.
You've no time to waste now if you want a DC.
But please use donor sperm.
You do not want to have to co-parent with these awful people.
He's a useless prick any way so why would you want to?
Get to a clinic soon and discuss your options of donor sperm.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 23/07/2020 08:06

He sounds like a total prick. Would you really want him as your child's father? Handing over your baby to him for 50/50 contact to play happy families with the ow? Sperm donor would be so much simpler.

Crystalspider · 23/07/2020 08:28

Listen to your friends and family, they have your best interests.
This isn't a man to have a baby with, use a donor and to be brutally honest here I very much doubt he will want a baby with you unless he's told you that?

Isthisfinallyit · 23/07/2020 08:54

If you have a child with him and he goes for contact then this awful woman will get to abuse your child too. Please use donor sperm.

Original poster
Isreeh · 23/07/2020 10:54

Thank you everyone! The advice from of you is very crystal clear. I need to take control of my life and use a donor. It’s a risk having a child with an abusive man who doesn’t care about me and I do worry if the child will have any of his bad traits. For a long time I blamed the OW but it’s all down to DH as he is responsible and made vows to me. Last year I tried everything to fix things including marriage counselling but he kept blaming me for his actions that I made the MS about me! He never witnessed what actually happened which left me traumatised. As women we have so much strength to go such awful things but it leaves scars. I always support women, a old married friend of mine wants me as his side fling but I refused and told him to F off. We are no longer friends as I would never put another women through what I have had.

Life sucks at time and I need to move on and find my happiness elsewhere so all you lovely people without ant bias are right! Much appreciated and thank you. Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Isreeh · 23/07/2020 10:58

@Rebeccasmoonnecklace, I have considered my own personal counselling. But I know it comes back to rejection from a new husband and having that fantasy dream taken Of having my own family with a happy future. If anything I should do a New revenge body and look great so regrets ever cheating on me. Xx

OP posts:
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