In marriage limbo and don’t know what to do

[boeballs]

Genuine question. Has anyone managed to have a happy life with a partner they no longer love? My husband and I are in talks about separating. However neither of us want to implode our family.. we have two young children and I think we are scared about actually leaving each other.
I thought by finally telling him I couldn’t pretend any longer to make this marriage work, I would feel better, but I don’t.. I don’t honestly know what to do. I don’t hate him, he doesn’t want to leave because of the kids, but will do so without fail if I ask him to as he knows how unhappy I am. I feel I am about to implode this family for no major reason other than I am unhappy and because of that I resent him and everything he does just gets me more unhappy and angry. I don’t think either of us ever really loved each other.. this is awful to admit or maybe I didn’t and was too scared to be left on the shelf. I have low self esteem and he by his own admittance is emotionally stunted.. his brother is like this but worse and pretty much isolates himself from anyone.
We tried marriage counselling twice and neither of us bothered to properly follow through with the advice. He has decided to go and get counselling himself. I think maybe if he sorts himself out I will be happier in the marriage, but how can I ever go back to loving him or even right now liking him.. is that even possible? Has too much time passed? Do we just stay together in limbo for the kids? I honestly don’t want to raise the kids on my own.. I don’t have the strength, I am too tired. I don’t care about meeting anyone else
If I learn to like him again, could we just co parent under the same roof? Am I kidding myself?

Am in similar shoes except iv decided to split. He doesn't want to but I just couldn'tdo it.

Hoping he will move out soon...its been very difficult and im worrried about telling the kids/being on my own with them/money/doing the wrong thing etc

Hand on heart though a know it's the rigjt decision for me. Doesn't take away the fear or guilt tho!

What exactly are you unhappy about? What makes you resent him?

As one half of a 30 year relationship I can say that there have been times when I have felt both these things about my DW but you need to balance these feelings against the positives.

I'm sure all LTRs go through rough patches, it's not clear from what you say that there are fundamental and unbridgeable problems in yours.

OP if both of you basically feel the same then you are perfectly placed to separate and co parent in a way that can potentially be great for the kids.

You being unhappy isn't a small thing. You leading the fullest, happiest life for your kids makes their life much better.

Talk with your husband about how you can achieve separation in a way that preserves his relationship with the kids and role in their lives.... in a way that leaves you both financially viable, in a way that supports each other and doesn't use the kids as leverage etc....

Not all divorced kids are unhappy. My DD sees her dad every day and is completely happy a few years on. She has even said it is better, because she also likes both our new partners and feels she just has a bigger family and two places (3 minutes apart). There is no fighting, no tension, and both her parents are happier than when they were together.

It doesn't sound like either of you have the will to turn your relationship into a happy one- so I would I would not assume that keeping the kids in that environment is better for them....

Exactly the same boat, @boeballs
I know I can't carry on like this forever, living with a housemate. I'm (hopefully) only half way through my life, and I just want to love and be loved. I don't get any of this from my dh, and even if suddenly he became husband/father/lover of the century, it wouldn't change my feelings towards him. But at the same time I just cannot face breaking up the family. I feel like I'd rather put up with my own unhappiness than inflict it on anyone else. He knows I'm unhappy, I've told him we will never again have an intimate relationship, and all he can say is that he's used to it now and he's ok just to carry on to keep the family together. But I feel empty inside. And resentful like you - because he is stopping me finding love! And sex! And nothing would make me happier than to see him find someone who does all this for him, but he just doesn't appear to need it. So I'm stuck. We both know what would be best to do in our situations, but it's so much easier said than done x

@Jadetreesbringluck and @WakingUp55643 thanks in particular for responding and sharing you are in similar situations

@Anothernick it’s so hard to know anymore. It’s been years of resentment building up and now even the littlest of things set me off with him.

I think a bit like @WakingUp55643 I think i never felt loved or in a loving relationship. He has never been horrible but as he admits himself he struggles with emotion. One of the biggest things I have always felt he is always puts himself first.. I just feel he never thinks about me or our family.. it’s never done in a malicious way though. I waited 7 years for him to propose and I should have just kicked it to the curb at that point.. but my lack of self esteem wouldn’t let me.. everything about this relationship I have driven forward. I wanted kids so much sooner.. I am now in my forties.. he even admitted he wasn’t sure he wanted to have kids until he had them because he didn’t want his life to change (going out getting drunk with mates etc) it’s always been on his terms.. and I have just let it and accepted it because I was too scared of the alternative and now I just think I have so much resentment because of it because I preserved so much and I just ended up in a shitty relationship without the love I wanted.. so am also angry at myself for that. We have two amazing but young children, he loves them And is a great dad but again finds it hard to deal with them emotionally.

I was hoping that if he goes to therapy and I just feel happier not pretending anymore we can reach a point where we can co habit as friends and parent the kids.
I can’t overstate enough how constantly exhausted I am and how I couldn’t do it without him. I also have a very demanding job.
And I know this is ridiculous but even something as simple as he does all the cooking.. for that to change when you are as tired as I am just fills me with dread.. I don’t think I have the patience or the time to deal with the kids on my own all day. I am worried I will become even worse of a mum than I already feel I am.
Please don’t jump on me over the dinner comment I know it’s stupid but I am just trying to convey how exhausted I feel and how even the smallest things changing fills me with dread never mind letting friends and family know.