Ex husband has a girlfriend

[Wonderwman]

We separated in Dec last year and are on divorce process including child arrangement court and haven’t sorted finance yet.

I recently found out that he has a girlfriend who has a daughter who is same age as my son(y1). He took my son to the beach with them and other places and went to her house and had dinner too without informing me which I got upset about.
I honestly expected this will happen at some point but not this soon.

Now my worries have arisen; if my son will be less important for him? Will he be treated well by him or her? Will they have another child together? Will my son stays overnight and will she be happy about it? Will he be greedier on finance? All sorts.

I don’t know where to stand and want to hear people’s opinions and experiences if you have.

It seems men move on very quickly OP. Whatever the reasons for the break up, it's always difficult to deal with a new 'relationship'. It's normal to have these thoughts.

I think you have to set boundaries in the first instance, if there's any unreasonable behaviour. How their relationship pans out is not your worry, only if it affects your DS, and you'll only know as time goes on, your DS behaviour will be a reflection of this.

Hopefully you will not have much to worry about, and your DS is happy.

He took my son to the beach with them and other places and went to her house and had dinner too without informing me which I got upset about.

I hope you didn’t tell him you were upset; he didn’t need to inform you. Whatever your ex does with your son while in his care is really none of your business.

It’s okay to privately feel upset but it’s been over a half a year and the best thing you can do for you and your son is to move on gracefully.

Nobody can answer your worries and worrying about them won’t change them, so save yourself the heartache and focus on things you can do.

I’m afraid it’s no longer your business what he does in his personal life, unless it adversely affects your child. Ditto for how he chooses to parent.

Personally, I’d like to think that if I split up with my DH we would try to be reasonable with each other and co-parent in such a way as big decisions such as moving in with someone or introducing new partners would be taken together. Whilst it not your business as such, I would hope we could at least warn each other and take any reasonable concerns of the other into account.

However that is probably naive and I know that is not the reality for many / most.

This all sounds fairly new and you’re worrying about things that haven’t happened. Has your son complained about the way he’s been treated or did he have fun with his new friend at the beach ? It sounds to me your ex is including him and both he and his gf have treated your son well. Is there anything in your ex’s past treatment of your son that makes you worry, or is this just tied up in general worries and hurt that he’s moved on so quick ?

For what it’s worth I think it’s awful to be dating someone when your divorce is at such an early stage, let alone be introducing someone so early - they can’t have been together that long and who knows if it will last. The last thing your son needs is a succession of parents’ new bf/gf in their lives. The divorce will be a big deal and they need to deal with that first imo.

I’m assuming your ex does not feel this way and is not interested in your thoughts on the matters either as he’s gone straight ahead and done it. Therefore, I’d stay quiet unless / until your son is upset about it, obviously excluded or mistreated in some way. I doubt you’ll gain anything by raising your concerns now when he appears to have treated your child well so far.

I dont think the 'meeting a succession of girlfriends' issue is a thing with a one year old to be fair!

@BillywilliamV

I dont think the 'meeting a succession of girlfriends' issue is a thing with a one year old to be fair!

How about with a six year old?

I'm in the same situation although we separated in May last year and haven't started divorce proceedings yet. I try not to think about it if I'm honest. There is nothing I can do. I hold him to account when I feel I need to in relation to his parenting but its his life and I don't have a say over it anymore.

There is really nothing you can do.

I’m sorry you’re upset though.

From experience I know it's hard but there is absolitley nothing you can do about it unless the new partner poses a safeguarding risk. It's ok to feel upset and totally normal but you must keep those feelings to yourself.
Your marriage has ended and life goes on... for some quicker than others.

I have to disagree with pp who said a divorce is difficult for a child. The divorce itself means nothing to small minds! The separation of the family has the biggest impact. And yes it maybe very soon but at 1 year old I doubt the child can really fathom what's happening.
My ex moved on very quickly and introduced his affair partner to our then 3yr DD a matter of weeks after he left. 5 years on and my Dd has an amazing stepmother who loves her dearly and a baby brother too.
She also has a step father and 2 step siblings and all the children have taken the blending of families in their stride. It's not been without it's ups and downs, bit it can and often does work out in the end.

Use your new found free time to do something you enjoy.... eat out with friends. Read the book you haven't had time for and even perhaps book yourself some nice city breaks etc ( I travelled alone for the first time in my life after my relationship broke down and found it wonderful) they key is not to dwell on what they are doing during this time and focus on yourself. Time is a great healer and it will get easier

I think the OPs son is in year 1 at school not aged 1but might be wrong.

A 6 year old is old enough to know you've separated but not old enough to understand why so its tough. However, the new girlfriend was not the ow from the sounds of it (not that it would matter from a practical standpoint if she was) and you don't have say in what he does with your son on his time, just like he doesn't get to tell you what you can and can't do. OP its hard, I've been there. I watched my ex, kids and OW drive off together to have a lovely family Christmas 6 months after he left and it nearly killed me but there is nothing you can do and it is best for your son if he doesn't sense any hostility or sadness from you. Bright detachment "oh does she has yellow hair, that's nice. Do you want chips or waffles?" kind of thing. Give it time, it will get easier.

I understand how you feel. My ex introduced his new girlfriend to our son a few weeks after meeting her and I was very concerned. They then moved in with each other very quickly (something that was hidden from me), had a baby within a year and split when they had been together for less that a year and a half. My 3 year old is very confused by the situation and I am the one picking up the pieces each time and trying to help him through all these big transitions.

Posters are right that you have no control over the situation, but it's very hard to deal with all the changes when you can see the negative impact it has on your child.

Just also wanted to hand hold OP. My stbexh has already moved in with his girlfriend/OW. We also separated in Dec. It was really difficult to process at first but really does get easier with time and I think it's prob nice for my kids to have a woman around. I know "of her" and she seems a reasonable lady - apart from having an affair with my husband of course! - stbexh might be making more effort to take them out etc with her around... if my kids found it upsetting I'd have words but they seem to like her so I just have to hope it lasts.

I get this op, but try to step back and let things just 'be'

My ex has an endless string of girlfriends, introduces them far too early and it never ends well. I just have to show my dc what a proper relationship is via my actions and hope they don't look to my ex as a relationship role model. My eldest is now of an age that she takes the Micky out of ex regarding his girlfriends, rolls her eyes and says 'again' this is off her own back as I never ever comment on it. As long as they are nice to the dc I just have to let it go

My DD's dad also introduced her to a string of women but never actually introduced them as GF's. DD would be coming home each time talking about how she had done this and that with daddy and his "friend". Few weeks later it would be a brand new friend, he seemed to think that so long as he didn't tell her they were an actual GF this was fine? I never reacted or brought it up to him, no point.

I remained 100% single for 5 years after separation. When I met my now hubs, I was only seeing him when DD was visiting dad. Hubs also has kids with his ex and I couldn't see him when they visited either, this meant that my hubs and I initially only got to see each other from 7pm Saturday evening to lunchtime on a Sunday once a fortnight. It was rough.
Eventually I told DD that I had met someone very special, who I liked very much and wanted to spend more time with him and asked her if she would like to meet him. She said yes. I was accused of rushing into things, not considering child, not putting them first, being irresponsible etc. Fast forward 7 yrs, a marriage, 2 sons and another baby on the way. Still the one and only man I ever introduced her too.

Not long after I introduced my hubs to DD she came home saying that her and her dad had met some brand new friends in a soft play centre, and gone to their house for a sleepover afterwards.... she truly believed these people were complete strangers to her dad. Within a few weeks she was permanently staying over this "friends" house, bathing naked with the BOY child she had just met and bed sharing with them..... this was Easter time, it was not until the following xmas that DD came home and said she "thinks dad and womens name are IN LOVE, because they kissed under the mistletoe" I tried to explain they had always been a couple but she wouldn't have it, they even credited her and her friendship with the little boy for getting them together. For 2 whole years DD was staying overnight at this "friends" house and i did not know the address, he refused to give it to me saying it was none of my business where he stays. DD then started inviting random kids in playcentres to stay at our house (absolutely humiliating), started asking the kids at school to stay over and have a bath with her, then she started exposing herself. School got involved due to "highly sexualised behaviour" made referrals, professional got involved and when I explained that they had "Normalised" this behaviour by letting her bath with an unrelated male child she had just met, they said it was not connected and I was "sick in the head" for even suggesting there was anything untoward about bathing a 7yr old girl and 5 yr old boy together. They would not accept that I was not saying the boy was a danger, I was saying that DD had learnt dangerous beliefs by their actions on contact.... they went full circle and accused me of sexual molestation, saying that was the cause of her behaviour and tried to gain full custody. Luckily it failed but the whole thing took place over many years and was utterly soul destroying.

I can't do a damn thing about it, to most people we ex's will always be the crazy, bitter, controlling, scorned women, that use their children as pawns, not matter what. People generally have a very hard time believing that men also use children as pawns. I hear all the time that its none of my business what dad does in his time, yet I'm constantly dragged to court an accused of "failing to communicate" (I always respond to initial contact but do cease it when the insults start), "withholding information" (he's told me not to contact him unless its an emergency because he hates hearing from me), "being hostile" (because i tell him to stop being abusive when he calls me names). All i ever hear is how its "dads right to know everything about their child" but its also none of my business what's happening on contact.

And some people believe sexism and misogyny is a thing of the past? haha

I have had to learn to let it all go over my head and you will have to do that too, for your own mental health, the soon the better. In the land of separated families, the only person that doesn't matter is mum.

SORRY FOR HIJACKING (wow)

Sending you a big hug. It is so hard. It is unspeakably hard.

All I can tell you is it gets easier. I promise. Lean on your friends just now, accept all the love and support you can. It's just an awful time. So hurtful and sad and difficult. But you will get through this. I thought I never would and I am absolutely fine now. You'll get there.

Hold tight and know there are so many others feeling just this way too x

Thank you for all the comments. My son is 6 years old. My ex got arrested in December for abusive and controlling behaviour ( I know he has a hot-temper and I couldn’t stand it but it seems like English women don’t bother much and I know he wouldn’t behave such a way he treated me to an English woman). He is good with my son in general ( still showing hot temper from time to time in front of my son ).

There Is an assumption (puzzling back after little events and conversations) that he met her before lockdown which means 2 months after our separation and has continued seeing her while he was having my son couple of days every week. As soon as lockdown eased, he introduced them and right next week invited to her home. I don’t really care who he is meeting with, to be honest. just got a thought a bit too earlier than I could have imagined. That’s all.

What I upset about was why would he not tell me about it if he was going to introduce someone and her family? because it’s my son and I would want to know who my son is meeting ( his new relationship and her family) and potentially could be staying with them (soon) if things go well between them. Hopefully she is a nice woman and my son just likes to play with her daughter because my only child has been lonely since the lockdown. Same with if he takes my son far away from home, I would definitely want to know where he is taking him to and with who.

I don’t think this is unreasonable, is it?

What I upset about was why would he not tell me about it if he was going to introduce someone and her family? because it’s my son and I would want to know who my son is meeting ( his new relationship and her family) and potentially could be staying with them (soon) if things go well between them.

Because in the nicest possible way, OP, it really is none of your business. Just as you get to decide who your son meets and gets to hang out with and you don’t need to run it past your ex, so does he.

It’s just part and parcel of being separated; you aren’t involved in that part of your sons life.

Unfortunately it is really none of your business. I’m sorry.