My husband and I (can’t bring myself to call him DH) have always had a stormy relationship. But then I only ever had relationships with lots of turmoil, mainly due to a somewhat unstable childhood and unhealthy patterns stemming from this (I know see after years of therapy). My husband had an even more unstable life before we met, difficult childhood, living in lots of countries, drugs and drama etc. Been married for 7 years, together almost 10, 2 kids aged 3 and 5.
We’ve always argued too much. But we used to be able to make up and have stable periods. But recently, the arguments are almost constant and happiness is so rare. We even argue in front of the kids. (Please don’t make me feel worse about this aspect than I already do, I literally hate myself for it and it the main reason I’m considering serious action now).
I have suggested couples thereby but he refuses. He also drinks too much and smokes pot frequently even sometimes before the kids go to sleep (not in front of them though, goes for a smoke outside and returns stoned). He is a good dad though - very very loving, attentive and caring. He cooks every night - and very well too - and does almost 50 percent of the housework, although he’s often resentful about it.
What seems to have pushed it all Over the edge now is that he’s become unemployed due to COVID impacts on his industry. Just at the same time, I’ve been offered a much better paid position which I’ve decide to take. It’s also a lot more hours though. I asked him very carefully if he would be okay with being more hands on at home and doing pick ups (especially now when he’s unemployed) and he said yes. I said we need to decide this as a family as me working a lot more will impact us all. He insisted I was making it up when I said I sensed he was against me taking the job. Now, a few weeks before I’m due to start, he begins drooling remarks about me “probably needing to work a lot more so he will have to do more bedtimes” and that “I will be too busy” Etc and when I reminded him that I asked him if he’d be okay with the change he said “I don’t want to stand in the way of your career”. Which enrages me because I’m not even that career focused, I’ve stayed stuck int the same position since having kids until 1 year ago when we moved countries, and I was Unemployed for almost a year then, and then took a bit great position just to have a income, and now this new job is the first good opportunity that comes up for me, while he has been working long hours and made more than me all of our life together and I always supported this. I guess he feels bad that I will be making more than him especially now he’s (temporarily) unemployed and is unhappy with the SAHD role. Even thigh he insist he’s fine with it, all Evidence points to the contrary.
He is so shit and mean to me almost all the time. Inconsiderate, rude and condescending. I just feel almost nothing but anger toward him. I would never have married him could I’ve seen us go this way.
BUT. I still feel some love is left between us. And the kids love him so much it breaks my heart in a million pieces to even imagine taking away from them seeing their dad every day. And I cannot even fathom the logistics of divorce and childcare arrangements, not to mention how we’d Afford two homes, as we are not that financially well off, despite me now having just got this new well-paid job, I was unemployed for a year recently and we are renting.
I’m so scared of the future and have no idea what to do. Staying seems a bad idea and so does leaving. I don’t know how to make the decision but nothing I have tried so far (meditation, individual therapy, more
Clearly divided household chores, talking to him about all this) has helped. I feel like I’m a shit mum for letting the kids witness fights and I wonder all the time if divorce would truly be better for them or just make everything worse as I don’t envision him being an amicable party to a divorce.