Do you need your OH’s unconditional support?

[Name7]

Just had a realisation tonight that I don’t have it, ever. Lots of things from lack of support when MIL was horrible to when I was pg to my job. I’ve never felt like he’s had my back. How sad is that? You know when people feel that they have to justify themselves on here to random strangers, I feel I have to do that at home. If I try and explain how tough things are as a woman, he argues. He cannot empathise or see my side. He has to be right. He scoffs and rolls his eyes. I don’t know what I’m asking. Just a realisation I had...

• Ragwort

I don't think your example is a particularly useful indication of whether or not a DH is 'supportive', my DH and I have polar opposite views on most political issues, so much so that we avoid those sort of discussions but, only this week, when my elderly DM collapsed & was rushed into hospital he immediately 'took charge', rushed me over to my DPs home, helped care for my DF and was 100% a support ... that's when I know that he really does support me. And when I got back home after 24 hours away he was the one running me a bath, cooking dinner and insisting I relax and giving up his game of golf to be with me.*

He has done this on occasion, when we I had a mmc, when my Dad collapsed. I think it’s the arguing for something I feel passionate about and affects me. I think you’re right, we don’t probably agree politically and if I say that I feel burnt out, he immediately says that he does and the reasons.

I have told him that I want sympathy and a listening ear but I don’t think he can do that. It’s interesting I suppose. And a little sad that I feel I have to be my own support.

Thank you for replying.

The bold seems to not be working sorry

So he is supportive when there is a big issue but you feel unsupported with daily niggles and when ill? Is your DH your only source of support?
As a PP said, it's difficult to get a grasp of the scale of the problem but I wonder if spreading your support network would help? and then you can reassess what you get out of this relationship. If I have an issue with school, I go to my sibling who is a HT. If my issue is work related, I'd discuss with colleagues, etc. If my issue is DH, I go to my friend or DSIS.

AnneOfQueenSables

I think you’re right. I need to expand my support network.

If I try and explain how tough things are as a woman, he argues.

I had one like this. I would take it as a red flag nowadays. What it's effectively saying is that their view of reality trumps yours, that your perception of what your seeing in the world is wrong etc.

It's not just a political/ideological argument, it says something about their view of women- and by extension, of you.

It also can show that they are trying to stop you seeing what's really happening.

Men can make statements downplaying the difficulties women face, because if you really looked at what they are doing as a person, and what's happened/happening in the relationship, you would question it.

It sounds like he's supportive sometimes but not at other times. Mine was like that too- he would even make a point of that he was not being arsed, while at other times he would be kind.

They don't want us to be able to turn to them reliably, and can even turn nasty exactly when we need them. Being emotionally unreliable is a bad trait in a partner or friend.

I definitely agree about extending your support network...especially for emotional support.

My Dsis and I support each other in a lot of ways...for example she teaches.. and when she talks about the stress of lesson observations..all he says is...you've been doing it for years...why is it an issue.

Anyone who teaches, knows that OFSTED and inspections will always be stressful...she just doesn't bother telling him anymore.

I've realised that getting your partner to support in every way is not always easy...

Some people aren't great with this support.

Actually I have just re-rad your opening post Do you need your OH’s unconditional support - and no, in my case I don't need my DHs 'unconditional support' all the time.

I have a wide range of friends and family members who offer me support for differing aspects of my life - ie; my career, my hobbies, my volunteering, my parenting doubts, my concerns over my elderly parents etc etc. I think it is a bit unrealistic to expect one person to give totally unconditional support for every single aspect of your life.

If I am honest I don't support my DH 'unconditionally' all the time .. sometimes he acts like a bit of a dick so I don't support that .

Fair enough