Verbal abuse art project

[MavisDavis99]

Hi

I'm working on a project to raise awareness about domestic abuse, having spent 16 years in abusive relationships myself. (Now out, thankfully).
I want to make a piece of art that highlights negative phrases, words and names used by abusers, and also a contrasting piece that uses positive words, phrases and names used by our support networks, including things we tell ourselves, to help us get out, heal and rebuild our lives.
I have lots of material from my own life, but wondered if anyone else would like to contribute anything, so that I can make it a piece that represents a number of women's experiences, not just my own?
Obviously, I wouldn't want anything that could identify anyone as it needs to be totally anonymous due to the nature of the subject.

Examples from my own experience with the abuser include:
Everyone thinks you're a b....
If you don't do it, I'll leave you!
You're crazy
Stupid b....

and on the flip side, from my support network:
You will get through this
Life will get better
I'm here to support you

...to give you an idea.

Happy for responses in the thread or by PM
(hope that's not against the rules)
Language can be censored where necessary, as long as I can work out what it's likely to be.

Thank you

@givemestrengthorahobby I totally agree. The words themselves were horrid but it was the less quantifiable stuff that hurt the most. The glares, the sarcasm, the subtle and less and subtle put down, the ignoring, denial, the mocking laughter, the sneering, scoffing, the shouting, physical intimidation, telling you how you feel, what you mean. Telling you you remembered things wrong. Twisting what was said until it became unrecognisable. The genuine feeling like you don't know what is right or wrong, the self doubt, self loathing, total uncertainty and lack of any confidence in your own decisions, perceptions and thoughts.

Thank you All

Needtogetbackinthesack, that's great that you've found a therapeutic outlet for it. Mine used to say a similar thing "All my friends think you're a bitch, but I stood up for you" (And why did they think I was a bitch when they'd never even met me? Hmm!!!?). Really reminds me of a child "Everyone else's mum says/lets them.....blah", when it's totally untrue, they're just saying what they want/think but not taking responsibility for it!

GiveMeStrengthOrAHobby, yes, so right, I'm realising the limitations of this medium....how do you represent the stonewalling, the coldshoulders, the threatening looks, tone of voice, those deliberate movements that make you flinch? I suppose I could put silence as one of the entries....I'll think on that! So many things that are said would look fine just written down because you don't see the context, hidden meanings or way in which it was said. That might need a different art form to express it!

Fluffedup, Oh, yes, reading everyone's comments is bringing so much back to me that I had forgotten. Mine used to tell me about all the people who'd apparently want to have sex with him.....like....really? His personal hygiene was dreadful, it was hard to believe that many women would want to get that close!

Dontbeme , How awful to use your disclosure of abuse as a tool to further abuse you with! My blood boils for you!

Airo, yes, always us who are "too sensitive", never them being insensitive or downright vile, is it? And, "can't you take a joke?", the classic, like being called "retard!" is supposed to make you laugh? (One of mine's favourite "jokes")

Thank you all again for sharing such personal and painful memories. So far I have 27 women's experiences (and 10 sides of A4 to fit on a canvas!) Wow! I hope this will travel far and help raise awareness. Thank you.x

Thank you, OP. Here are a few of mine...

I'll put you in your grave.
You are nothing but shit.
You rotten little pig.
I will fucking murder you.
You need a shrink. You're not sane. Everything would be fine if you weren't fucking insane.
What is wrong with you? I try so hard to have a good relationship with you, why are you so fucking difficult?
I love you, sweetheart.
I know I hit you but I lost control. You shouldn't have made me angry.
You're a little bitch.
You should never have been born. I wouldn't give a shit if you died.

‘You disgust me’ is one that will stay with me for some reason ...

ShebaShimmyShake, what terrifying threats, how awful for you! I struggle to find the right words.... Thank you for sharing.

bird259, yes, there are definitely ones that stick more than others, that get right to our core and lodge themselves there. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you so much everyone.
I have started drawing up rough copies of my pictures and there's so much input, I'm really finding it hard to get it all on the page! I will try to use something from everyone, so that you are all represented. Ironically, there's not even room for my own experiences at the moment! I might have to paraphrase or cut down some longer quotes so that I can squeeze more on, so I hope that is ok with you.
I am so grateful that you have felt able to share with me and contribute to this project.
When I've finished the pictures I will come back and upload the images so that you can see it.
Take care and stay safe.x

Prattle
Suspicious
Sqwaking
Defensive
Pompous
Patronising
Offensive
Absurd
Sanctimonious
Bad mother
Cook with no love
Harping
Deranged
Hysterical
Impossible
Blinkered
Dictating
Viscious
Jealous
Witch
Hectoring
Haridan
Trolling

Yes, he was cheating.
Got there in the end.

I can see you're crying but...
Why should I tell you where I'm going
I'm not doing anything just because you want it.
You were just embarrassing, that's what everyone was really thinking.

"Everyone at work says I should put you 6 feet under."

That one really stuck with me and was a major catalyst for ending the relationship.

horrible woman
you're either stupid or deliberately trying to wind me up
if you just stayed quiet I wouldn't have had to shout at you like that
I have to shout or you don't understand
nasty piece of work
oh she's horrible anyway ( said about me to my daughter )
you'll never manage on your own ( I am )
you'll be licking my boots and begging to come back ( I won't )
you're a snake
you've deliberately turned the kids against me ( I haven't )
stupid cow
you are not ok in the head
you live in cuckoo land
its your fault that happened you provoked me
just sit down and shut up im not even talking to you
you're a piece of work you are
you piece of shit
lazy cow
all you do is sit on the sofa on your fat ass

@MavisDavis99

Thank you All

Needtogetbackinthesack, that's great that you've found a therapeutic outlet for it. Mine used to say a similar thing "All my friends think you're a bitch, but I stood up for you" (And why did they think I was a bitch when they'd never even met me? Hmm!!!?). Really reminds me of a child "Everyone else's mum says/lets them.....blah", when it's totally untrue, they're just saying what they want/think but not taking responsibility for it!

GiveMeStrengthOrAHobby, yes, so right, I'm realising the limitations of this medium....how do you represent the stonewalling, the coldshoulders, the threatening looks, tone of voice, those deliberate movements that make you flinch? I suppose I could put silence as one of the entries....I'll think on that! So many things that are said would look fine just written down because you don't see the context, hidden meanings or way in which it was said. That might need a different art form to express it!

Fluffedup, Oh, yes, reading everyone's comments is bringing so much back to me that I had forgotten. Mine used to tell me about all the people who'd apparently want to have sex with him.....like....really? His personal hygiene was dreadful, it was hard to believe that many women would want to get that close!

Dontbeme , How awful to use your disclosure of abuse as a tool to further abuse you with! My blood boils for you!

Airo, yes, always us who are "too sensitive", never them being insensitive or downright vile, is it? And, "can't you take a joke?", the classic, like being called "retard!" is supposed to make you laugh? (One of mine's favourite "jokes")

Thank you all again for sharing such personal and painful memories. So far I have 27 women's experiences (and 10 sides of A4 to fit on a canvas!) Wow! I hope this will travel far and help raise awareness. Thank you.x

You know, if I were artistic, what I'd do is have the words swirling around the edges and then a huge, empty space with 'silence' in small letters in the middle.

Because it's not the words that cause the fear, the isolation, the sickening feeling that makes it impossible to lift your fork or your eyes. It's the silence.

When the silence is there, you know something is coming. You just don't know what and you don't know when. It might be when the front door is closed, it might be on the way home, it might be at 3.30am when the main bedroom light is switched on and you're woken from deep sleep, it might be days later when there's still no sound, but they just suddenly launch at you.

Silence is the sound of fear.

Thank you, everyone.

MitziK, yes, you're so right about the silence. I'm wondering whether to do another piece to represent that and some of the other forms of abuse, apart from verbal. At the moment I've got the words swirling out from the centre, but there's so many of them that I can't fit them in, and that's on a 40cm square canvas in small writing!

Thank you for sharing your experiences littlenickyy61, NeedToKnow101, 5LeafPenguin and Onaclearday you can see, I have added them in and am starting work on the canvas now.

Take care, everyone.x

You're damaged goods
Poor DD she will be the one at school with the bonkers mum
You fat f**ing moron

Thank you, Flyg....those really sum up the ways they put us down....telling us we have no worth, insulting our appearance and our intelligence, then using using our love for our children to make us feel worse! :(

I will have my revenge - you'll never know when or where it will happen.
The next time I see you I will kill you with my bare hands.

Thank you frocksmock. I hope you reported him, he sounds dangerous!
Take care.x

You’ve changed
The old you would be ashamed if she could see you now - my [name] would NEVER do this (I.e wear less alternative clothes as get some friends)
You’re lucky I’m with you
Talking to you makes me want to razor blade my finger tips
I never claimed to still be in love with you (after getting angry with me for kissing someone at uni after we’d split up)

catsandlavender, thank you. Gosh the razor blades is a bit of an obscure one!